Writing: #1 Intro

"There's a huge difference between wanting to be a writer and writing. The first is your own self reward, while the second is the work you do to get the reward."

~ Quoted from a movie, "Shortcut to happiness"

I've been writing a lot. in my head. Have you read any? off course not, I haven't either!

Anyway, this post has come in the right time in so many ways. Because...

This is the post #100 on my two years old blog. And I wanted it to be special. So this's how much special I can come up with. Besides, it's my only chance for a good come back, and a new start.

Do you have any idea how much has it taken me to come here and write this post?!

Well, the idea came to me exactly a year ago. Then some time in the mid of this last year I've developed and processed the idea and decided to make a project out of it. And I have fought myself really hard in order to actually start writing. again. Myself has been telling me to wait for the right time, yet myself never succeeded to answer my question: 'When?!' When is the right time, anyway, to do the right thing? or even just the thing you love to do? .. I know, I now know. The right time is simply now! NOW is the answer. "It's now or never." Yes that's right!

So right now is the right time for me to start this project and actually win the battle. I wish to share with you all that I know about this thing I have some passion for. Some people do it for living, others do it for pleasure. It could end, and it could start, lives, wars, and relations. This inspiring thing that could revive souls, switch on the lights in a dark room, and make blind eyes see clearly. It's so important that nations would fall apart without it. Or that's how I see it. It's huge that a single post won't be enough to cover all its aspects. A series of writings is then what I should do.

And I think you could easily guess what it is? Have you read the title? Yes, I'll write a series of writings about Writing!
Stay tuned ;) .. For I'm coming back. I promise.

I will come back! soon enough.
See ya ;) 

My 2011 in brief

January, my heart became harder and tougher than ever before. It surprised me, I never knew myself to be that strong. But later, I've discovered a part of me that is capable of doing nothing at all for a long period of time, and it can do that very easily!

February, is my month of every year. I love that month, it comes with happiness and excitement. And specially on this year's February, I had a day that I can never ever forget. That day was the start of my happy days of this year. (I think I should make a list of them!)

March. What about March?! Oh dear, I can't remember! But I think I was struggling. I was striving to become a better person.

April, I was a different person. How I wish I can get back to April. I did things I thought I could have never done. I amazed myself, and it did feel really good! I was good at it, and people loved me! Alhumdulillah. My greatest life achievements -up till now- has occurred in April 2011. And of course, days have been added to my days-to-remember list.

May, I was happy and content. Things were having its way to show up and get clear. I've strengthened my bonds with people who I love, people who worth loving and befriending! And my happy days are still adding.

June, though I love June. But this June was tough and weird and a little bit disappointing! I've known ways to crumple myself in my own shell and lock it up. I've been hit -emotionally speaking- and banged on the head many times. But I've moved on to the next month to find it...

July, a total disappointment. In myself, in my friends and in everyone I've trusted. Still I had those people worth loving around me, supporting through being shinny and smiley and just there. And I've had 3 days, 3 days of my life, 3 days of amazement, excitement, and pride. But other than those 3 days, my life in July can be summed as disappointment, depression, and hopelessness.

August, I needed some time alone. I needed to heal. So, I've decided to lock myself away from everyone, literally speaking. I needed to gain back the "Salma" in me. The person I know who's good and worthy. I needed to rediscover and reshape myself and my heart.

September, an inspiring month. The month of start-ups. Restarting my life, my plans, my projects, my friends...etc. And I was willing to start over easily. And I did, I started and I dreamed again. Even though my starts haven't proceeded to a finish line, but I was happy then.

October, after I prepared myself to start, I had to put myself into the waiting -idle- mood. Waiting for me, to do whatever it takes to proceed, waiting for others to offer help, waiting for opportunities to knock on my door. I've been waiting...And I mean, I've been waiting steadily and still. I wasn't moving!

November, another warm month. It passed in a glimpse of an eye. In between waiting steadily, trying to move a little, letting go of hopes, putting myself in the ignorant mood, having fun, and enjoying my time, November has passed quickly. But as I try to take snapshots of the month, I find them happy. And going back to my happy days list, days were added -actually it's just a one day!

December, a weird confusing month. December is strange, really. It's tough and hard, but it's accelerating the events for me. I've done like millions of things, and so many things have got into my way, and too many hurtful events and joyful ones. It was so full of contradictions. And so many ways have been opening themselves up for me, that I think I'm losing my way and getting lost and finding it hard to choose which way should I go. I'm still waiting though. Waiting for a fresh new perfect start, that hopefully it would come with 2012.


Seems like it's a fair year. A year full of happy days and equally sad disappointing ones. As a matter of fact, if you revised it again, you'll find that my happy days are a lot more. And that's one thing I Thank Allah for. I honestly have got everything I want and everything I need. My blessings are countless, I mean I can't count them because they are a lot, just a lot. And I can't praise Allah rightly and fairly for all His blessings. I've got the love and the friends, though some are lost and some are gained but I do have friends. I've got the knowledge and good brains. I've got chances to grow and be better. I've got dreams and I've pursed them, at least I tried and at least I planned to. I've become a different, hopefully better, person. And I'm really grateful.

But that's just one side of 2011, my side of the year. Other sides, has been dull, or maybe happier. But there's a general side, the side that everyone can watch it clearly. Year 2011 has been a year of deaths, natural deaths and murders. Crimes, total chaos, and drop downs have taken place. Really bad and very hurtful stuff have happened. But at the same time, glories and hopes have been raised, happiness and achievements have been reached. Dreams have been dreamed and strong working hands haven't slept until the dreams were realities.

In brief. Dear year two thousand and eleven, you have taught me a lot. And I've been a good student of you. You've hurt me somehow, but you have also given me the hope that I'll be healed, and that the list of happy days goes on forever, and that at the end the happy days do overcome the sad ones. Year two thousand and eleven, you have taught me patience, a lot of patience. You have taught me how to have faith and dream big dreams. You have taught me to face my life and stand for something and fight for it. You have taught me that it's important to fight for my rights in living a pleasant life that keeps my dignity. And finally you have showed me pure love and how true and real love is really is. Though, maybe you look bloody and doomed, I've learnt a lot out of you. And the least thing you have done is that you have given me very high hopes and anticipation towards year two thousand and twelve.

Two thousand and twelve is coming in five days! May we all have a blessed and happy "2012". My guessing is that it'll be like the "12"-th month of the year, December, tough and hard, but a lot of things will be achieved. We'll have so little of what's called rest, but at the end of 2012 we'll be relieved and happy and enjoying a fruitful meaningful and pleasant life. =)

I apologize

I'm really sorry, that I don't come here too often. But I'm there all the time. And it's nice there and a little easier...(sorry, dear blog!)

But here's something...This is the post #98. Which means that what's between me and the 100th post is an only one. And the number100 is special, and I plan to make it really special. Wait for it!

Till then, just catch me there. You'll like it, maybe.

I'll be back soon enough. 

Beyond imagination

I'm wearing a white long fluffy dress. My hair is wavy and brown; it's not long and not too short either, and I'm crowned by a crown made of white roses. I'm in my best shapes and I'm 30 years old. I'm lying on a hammock, that long piece of strong cloth tied between two trees so that it swings, and I can feel the air breeze passing me by smoothly and it smells beautiful, like all the fruits' scents are cocktailed up in the air and made the best scent you can ever smell.

But that's just inside my house, which actually is not too big, just one room but a room that looks like a garden. My house has no walls, it's in the open air, still I have the best security system there ever is. No one can ever sneak in or steal a look inside, like anyone here would actually do this! And I'm living alone in my own house, or let's call it garden. I can sleep whenever I would like to, or maybe I have lots of interesting things to do that keeps me away of sleeping. Anything I'd like to eat or drink I can find it easily in front of me and already done for me. I can read all the beautiful stories I fancy about. I can play music and dance, I can write a happy novel. Or I can just walk around my garden admiring the colorful roses and the big trees from which marvelous fruits can fall on me.

But then someone knocks on my door, she's my dearest friend ever; we've never been apart ever since I've known her. She's my neighbor now, she has a garden just like mine, even prettier, and she comes daily to spend hours with me. But now she has come to tell me that there's a gathering, that our Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) has invited all of us in for tea at the afternoon and that we have to go. But how can I miss such a gathering? Who am I to refuse? It was one of the reasons why I worked hard to come over here, to meet him and listen to him while he speaks. I run to put on my white long veil, because it makes me look so pretty, and my nicely designed shoes which I haven't wore before. And I take my friend from her hands and step outside.

We pass by all the beautiful neighboring gardens; we knock on each door, telling them the news, the invitation. The first are my mother, my father and brother, then her mother and sister, and then all of our friends we love dearly, one by one, we never get tired or bored. We don't even think of what transportation we'll take, we just fly to there. The sun is shinning brightly but it gives a warm color that you actually love to look at it without getting your eyes hurt. We pass through the rivers of honey, I love their color and how they flow, and the rivers of pure white and sugary milk; we stop to drink a cup or two. We get to meet all the people we've known all our lives, all the good people we hold them as role models, who have inspired us and helped us work hard to earn this place. We greet them warmly and ask them if they are coming to the gathering. They all give the same reply "Sure, how we can miss that!"

And we keep on flying, now we're not alone we have a company of some of our dear friends and family, we move together and laugh and keep a smile. Till we reach there, the highest place of all, it looks so beautiful that it can't be described, it's beyond imagination, it's colorful in colors I've never seen and it's so wide that there at my seat, which is reserved only for me, I can see and hear everything clearly like I'm sitting in the very front seat, but every seat there is the very front seat. Everyone is present, millions, no billions. And I know them all, one by one, I've been introduced to them and to their stories the first day I've entered this place. They all look so beautiful wearing the best smile you can ever see and they talk and they laugh, but it's not noisy, it doesn't even look a bit crowded. And everyone is perfectly seated, it doesn't matter next to who you are seated because you love them all and you can talk with them all at the same time. It doesn't even matter where you will be seated because every seat there is a special VIP seat.

And then he comes (Peace be upon him), a moment of silence takes place because he has caught each one's attention, and he starts greeting everyone of us by his/her name. Yes we're billions and we have time for this, in fact we are enjoying every fraction of a second there is in time in his presence. And when he is done, he sits down, and then we find tea and cake and fruits everywhere to eat and enjoy and he starts talking and telling stories we have never heard about and everyone then by turn tells us a story or sings a song and we laugh like never before. It's never noisy, it's never unorganized and everything is just perfect, more than perfect. And time. Oh time doesn't fly here; it expands or shrinks however we'd like it to. It's the happily-ever-after ending everyone seeks.

That was the story, now let me tell the introduction.

On a night where I was so down and so frustrated with this life (dunya), I found a sweet beautiful girl opening up a chat with me and after some talk, she gave me a task, she asked me to write about how I imagine Paradise. That thought fell on me like an "aha!" moment, like I was blind and all of a sudden I can see again. I got happily excited, but that was a challenging task. First because I wasn't in the mood of writing, second because it's a description and I think I'm a bad describer. Third because I thought that was forbidden because I'm describing something that no one can ever give it its worth description, because it's something beyond imagination. And I admit, that description is just the worse description of how it really is, inshaa'Allah. I've skipped lots of details, because that would take pages and pages and never be enough and also because I don't wish to limit my imagination or yours with that narrow and little fickle images.


And then when I was writing this, I thought to myself that that should be something private, that's un-share-able. But I'm not sharing my imagination; I'm sharing the thought, the idea of imagining Paradise just when you are in the middle of your darkest times in life. I believe, or I do now, that it's a strong weapon to kill the devil inside you. By imagining your prize you'll find a very strong will to win this game, battle, life, or whatever you call it. Keep your heart and mind there and don't ever lose the hope of that happiest ending because it only comes to those who believe and those who truly believe truly work hard for what they believe in. It's never easy, but can you see how worthy it is?! 

Written long before…

L

ove is a mystery that no one could ever solve no matter how hard they tried or dedicated their lives for solving it. Some say love takes only one sight to happen, and they call it the first sight. Others say it needs a lifetime to flourish; that that first sight is not enough to make a love last. They are both right, I say. That doesn't solve the mystery of love; it just gives a clue of how love works.

I say, Love is written long before we even have been created. Love already knows where it has to go, on which hearts it should rest and which souls should it leave heartless, loveless. And because love loves to work silently and by itself, it seeks no help, it always seems mysterious. And we, human, fear the unknown and the hidden. That's why some people fear love and fear drowning into its deep blue opaque ocean. They put their hearts in a box sealed perfectly and they hide it from the eyes of love. They try to play the same game that love plays, being mysterious. By that they think they might eventually solve the great mystery and try to control love, but they fail. Love is always the only winner; in joy or in pain, Love wins.

But there are also who are courageous enough to fall into it. They are ready to do what it takes and go to the extremes to understand Love by all its mysteries. They are taken by its magic and charm and they fall into it with every trust that they would be saved by a parachute or maybe they would fall in a field of straws. Maybe they would never fall at all; they would keep floating in the air of love, flying like birds without wings. And they really do, love never fail them. Until suddenly all their dreams collapse and they hit the ground very hard and end up broken. They blame love for being this much mysterious and hiding its actions. They think maybe if love had told them its plans and showed its cards they would have known what to do to save their selves.

Love again wins with its mysteriousness. Love is always the only winner; in joy or in pain, Love wins. Because, it's true that love never says where it is going, but for those who watch attentively Love keeps its cards open to anyone who'd like to have a look at it. Love is pure and honest, it doesn't betray; it's just silent. It walks blindly, but it knows its destination very well. Love is very strong and Love is always the only winner; in joy or in pain, Love wins. Love is written long before we even have been created. Love knows where it has to go, on which hearts it should rest and which souls should it leave heartless, loveless.

That first sight, I believe it's the moment Love shows you its first card. The moment Love comes to you and introduces itself telling you it's meant to rest in your heart for a while. And it's that moment I want to share with you. A moment in a story I thought of never telling. But in an attempt of solving the mystery of love, at least of how it works, it's a moment that has to be told. And I'll start from the very start of it.

I

 think I've noticed him once at college. I didn't think of him that much, but I always thought he's kind of weird, not the one I'd like to fall for or even know. But I never judged him more than that; it's what I usually do, I don't judge people I've never spoken to. Till one day I found out that we're connected, he's a friend of a friend of mine. I met this friend of mine on a coincidence that was meant to be, and he was there among the crowd that was there too. My friend asked me to join her and her friends, I agreed and it was my first time to listen to his voice. I then was sure that he exists, the same way I've noticed him before. That day I didn't feel his presence that much, though he's fond of making a huge appearance. He was remarkably noticeable, he was the fun, the laugh, and the stories that entertained us. I still remember the details of that day, the conversations and all the laughs. It was that day too that I found out that he had noticed me too, same as I have noticed him before. And later on I knew that I hadn't left a nice impression as he didn't as well.

That day passed but deep inside I was happy, happy to gain some new friends. And another day came, when that common friend of ours asked me to attend with them that concert. It's something I've been dreaming of, attending concerts, and so I agreed happily. Of course he was there… It was okay for me, his presence didn't mean that much for me back then though he's, as mentioned before, not someone who you can easily ignore. It was perfect, that day, I was happy and enjoying my time. Only one thing irritated me, it was a very crowded place, and I didn't like it. Especially that seat I was seated in, I couldn't either have a good vision of the band playing, I wasn't fully enjoying from that place where I was. I searched for every possible available place; I couldn't find a better one. Except that there was a one beside him, that seat felt perfect. But I was too shy to go there on my own, like I wanted him to ask me first. I didn't even complain about my seat or anything till my friend noticed my distress and suggested that place over there, beside him. I accepted her suggestion as if it hadn't come to my mind at all and I moved to there, shyly.

There was the moment, the minute I sat beside him, the minute he asked me if I'm better there. It felt like he was my savior, the one who'll protect me and surround me from any danger that could be. My hero, though he hadn't done a thing. It was an indescribable feeling. I was quite and shy at first, but he hadn't left me a choice, they all didn't. It was a nice enjoyable concert and I was happy. I couldn't keep the shyness and silence too much, I laughed and talked and enjoyed every moment, specially the music. We talked and talked a lot. It felt like that was his moment too, the moment he saw me or felt what I've been feeling too. That he is the one to be responsible for me, my savior. He's the one who's meant to keep me safe and comfortable. He's the one who is meant to make me happy.

I don't know who started it, was it him or was it me? Were my feelings too strong to reach him the same way I felt them? Or were his feelings of concern and care that reached me first and made me think what I thought, or feel what I felt. It doesn't matter at all. It's that moment that proves it all; that love is a mystery. That love comes at the strangest places and the strangest times to rest in the hearts of two strangers. That moment may not be an enough proof. But that moment was enough to assure me that he's not just a passer by my life, not someone who'll come into my life for a while and leave it untouched, not someone who'll not be mentioned in my stories of my life. That moment was indeed the start of every joy and pain in my life ever since that day.

The proof starts from the minute I noticed him, a stranger that caught my eyes for a while and made me think of him. Then when a coincidence made me realize how close he is to me. And finally love presented its master scene when it took both of our feelings, mingled them together and made them one, an only feeling, a desire that we two have got to stay together forever. Doesn't that prove it? That love is written long before we even have been created. That love knows exactly where it has to go, at what time and on which hearts it should rest or which souls should it leave heartless, loveless. Isn't love mysterious and unpredictable? Isn't that the only truth about love that no one can deny? No matter how hard they tried or what they have been through?

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P.S: Don't judge, don't over-think, and don't assume! Just enjoy this piece of Art.

       It's my first kind of a short story, so a feedback would really be appreciated. Please! 

Confessions of a protected heart

Unlike all girls I know, and even those who I don't, I have this dream of marrying a man who I never knew before. And if I would know him, then I would only know him because he asked to marry me. Yes this is my dream, since I was a little girl; and my opinion whenever anyone asks for it. It has always made me feel strong; it made me feel good and wise. And as I got older my dream got even stronger, it became like a principle or a promise that I work hard not to break. And this has caused me a lot of pain and confusion. It prevented me from recognizing the opportunity of meeting a possible future husband. It sealed my heart away from falling for any man. I always thought that was my own self protection for my pure and innocent heart. And I still think so. Yet though all these thoughts and dreams, though all the pain and confusion, I've fallen many times and I have hurt my heart badly many times . 

And lately I'm still confused as I wonder, should I hold on to my principle, my dream? Or Should I let it pass and break it? I'm starting to doubt my principle, and the fact that I've already broken it many times before makes it a weak principle to my mind, but to my heart it's still the strongest principle I've ever had. Thinking of it still makes my heart feel strong, protected maybe. And here's the thing, what guarantees my heart's safety and innocence? Marrying a man who I used to love before marriage? Or taking the risk of loving the man I'll be marrying? Or is that taking the safe side actually?

I know all of that talk about love, that it isn't the most important factor for happiness, but why wouldn't it exist? I know the answer which says that love is a feeling that can come easily if everything else that really matters is already there in the first place. I know that the love that leads to happiness is the love that has a good base to settle on. I know that love is so pure and innocent that it can't lead itself, and thus the emotions surrounding love are those who lead it, whether they lead it to heaven or to hell. I know. I still get confused. Maybe I get confused because I simply couldn't hold onto my childhood dream, the dream that made me feel strong. I get confused because as I think of loosing that dream I understand that this makes me weak and unwise.

And it suddenly hits me, I'm just like any other girl I know, and even those who I don't, I get confused between my principles and my fantasies of a happy life full of love. It is okay to wonder and get lost and drifted away by the truth, the truth that no matter your feelings are and how much you tried to express them in words, it remains the same. The truth is that I can have them both if I only choose the right choice; I can hold onto that dream of having a strong heart and at the same time I can have the love I fantasize.

 My heart knows it all well; all I've to do is just follow it.

September, 2

Race

A race that is all made up by my mind, and thus it doesn't resemble any of the races you had ever known because simply it's a race that doesn't match any of the races' rules.

The race's participants are us, some friends and I.

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It's a race. And we're all in it together. The road on which we're racing is filled with mountains, hills, rivers and valleys. It's a very tough and a very rough road. There are no rules for the race, nothing at all. You can walk, ride a bike or ride a horse. You can swim, take a boat or just float. You can stay still and never move or you can speed up till you can no longer move at all. You can climb the mountain or move around it. You can even take a shortcut; but sometimes shortcuts are just a waste of time. There are only two rules; one is that you have to start at the start point and you have to finish at the finish point. Two is that it's a race that is made up of levels. The more time you spend racing, the higher the level you reach.

We all get to start from the same starting point together; at the same time. But each one of us is destined to finish at a certain finish point; a finish point that each one of us has pre-planned and worked for individually. I have just passed level one. Some of us had started level two, others are still on level one making their way out and others, like me, are just waiting aimlessly, maybe they are just gearing up for level two. Level two, for me, is much more difficult than level one. In level two, we get to make up our way, our own road; the road on which we'll be racing. We don't get to start level two together and thus we get shattered; we're no longer close to each other. And obviously level two is still undetermined.

On the other side, level one was already planned for us; it was already determined. The road was clear and mountains were easy to climb. All we had to do is to walk and enjoy. All we had to do is to race as much as our abilities can take us. We all took our first steps together as we all had to start level one at the same starting point, together. We were just starting and thus we were good and healthy, we even had fun and played together. We weren't taking it too serious, we were free and we thought we would stay all our life just in level one. But time has passed and soon we had to leave the freedom of level one to get to level two.

It was kind of easy to pass level one and so we all did though we didn't all reach the start of level two together. And starting level two we get to disperse. Now each one of us is starting level two on his own. But as we'll keep on moving we'll be meeting others who have been racing their races as well, and then they'll get drift away once again. The best thing in level two is that you have the whole area to joggle in. You can even move backwards, sideways or zigzagged. All you've got to do is to plan your route and build your road. And now as I get to plan for my own path and build my own road, I'll have a plan to even work harder and smooth the road I walk, for others who'll be following me. And I'll never forget the levels to come ahead; they'll be the light that I'll be running towards.

And the race will stay on till the end…