My 2011 in brief

January, my heart became harder and tougher than ever before. It surprised me, I never knew myself to be that strong. But later, I've discovered a part of me that is capable of doing nothing at all for a long period of time, and it can do that very easily!

February, is my month of every year. I love that month, it comes with happiness and excitement. And specially on this year's February, I had a day that I can never ever forget. That day was the start of my happy days of this year. (I think I should make a list of them!)

March. What about March?! Oh dear, I can't remember! But I think I was struggling. I was striving to become a better person.

April, I was a different person. How I wish I can get back to April. I did things I thought I could have never done. I amazed myself, and it did feel really good! I was good at it, and people loved me! Alhumdulillah. My greatest life achievements -up till now- has occurred in April 2011. And of course, days have been added to my days-to-remember list.

May, I was happy and content. Things were having its way to show up and get clear. I've strengthened my bonds with people who I love, people who worth loving and befriending! And my happy days are still adding.

June, though I love June. But this June was tough and weird and a little bit disappointing! I've known ways to crumple myself in my own shell and lock it up. I've been hit -emotionally speaking- and banged on the head many times. But I've moved on to the next month to find it...

July, a total disappointment. In myself, in my friends and in everyone I've trusted. Still I had those people worth loving around me, supporting through being shinny and smiley and just there. And I've had 3 days, 3 days of my life, 3 days of amazement, excitement, and pride. But other than those 3 days, my life in July can be summed as disappointment, depression, and hopelessness.

August, I needed some time alone. I needed to heal. So, I've decided to lock myself away from everyone, literally speaking. I needed to gain back the "Salma" in me. The person I know who's good and worthy. I needed to rediscover and reshape myself and my heart.

September, an inspiring month. The month of start-ups. Restarting my life, my plans, my projects, my friends...etc. And I was willing to start over easily. And I did, I started and I dreamed again. Even though my starts haven't proceeded to a finish line, but I was happy then.

October, after I prepared myself to start, I had to put myself into the waiting -idle- mood. Waiting for me, to do whatever it takes to proceed, waiting for others to offer help, waiting for opportunities to knock on my door. I've been waiting...And I mean, I've been waiting steadily and still. I wasn't moving!

November, another warm month. It passed in a glimpse of an eye. In between waiting steadily, trying to move a little, letting go of hopes, putting myself in the ignorant mood, having fun, and enjoying my time, November has passed quickly. But as I try to take snapshots of the month, I find them happy. And going back to my happy days list, days were added -actually it's just a one day!

December, a weird confusing month. December is strange, really. It's tough and hard, but it's accelerating the events for me. I've done like millions of things, and so many things have got into my way, and too many hurtful events and joyful ones. It was so full of contradictions. And so many ways have been opening themselves up for me, that I think I'm losing my way and getting lost and finding it hard to choose which way should I go. I'm still waiting though. Waiting for a fresh new perfect start, that hopefully it would come with 2012.


Seems like it's a fair year. A year full of happy days and equally sad disappointing ones. As a matter of fact, if you revised it again, you'll find that my happy days are a lot more. And that's one thing I Thank Allah for. I honestly have got everything I want and everything I need. My blessings are countless, I mean I can't count them because they are a lot, just a lot. And I can't praise Allah rightly and fairly for all His blessings. I've got the love and the friends, though some are lost and some are gained but I do have friends. I've got the knowledge and good brains. I've got chances to grow and be better. I've got dreams and I've pursed them, at least I tried and at least I planned to. I've become a different, hopefully better, person. And I'm really grateful.

But that's just one side of 2011, my side of the year. Other sides, has been dull, or maybe happier. But there's a general side, the side that everyone can watch it clearly. Year 2011 has been a year of deaths, natural deaths and murders. Crimes, total chaos, and drop downs have taken place. Really bad and very hurtful stuff have happened. But at the same time, glories and hopes have been raised, happiness and achievements have been reached. Dreams have been dreamed and strong working hands haven't slept until the dreams were realities.

In brief. Dear year two thousand and eleven, you have taught me a lot. And I've been a good student of you. You've hurt me somehow, but you have also given me the hope that I'll be healed, and that the list of happy days goes on forever, and that at the end the happy days do overcome the sad ones. Year two thousand and eleven, you have taught me patience, a lot of patience. You have taught me how to have faith and dream big dreams. You have taught me to face my life and stand for something and fight for it. You have taught me that it's important to fight for my rights in living a pleasant life that keeps my dignity. And finally you have showed me pure love and how true and real love is really is. Though, maybe you look bloody and doomed, I've learnt a lot out of you. And the least thing you have done is that you have given me very high hopes and anticipation towards year two thousand and twelve.

Two thousand and twelve is coming in five days! May we all have a blessed and happy "2012". My guessing is that it'll be like the "12"-th month of the year, December, tough and hard, but a lot of things will be achieved. We'll have so little of what's called rest, but at the end of 2012 we'll be relieved and happy and enjoying a fruitful meaningful and pleasant life. =)

I apologize

I'm really sorry, that I don't come here too often. But I'm there all the time. And it's nice there and a little easier...(sorry, dear blog!)

But here's something...This is the post #98. Which means that what's between me and the 100th post is an only one. And the number100 is special, and I plan to make it really special. Wait for it!

Till then, just catch me there. You'll like it, maybe.

I'll be back soon enough. 

Beyond imagination

I'm wearing a white long fluffy dress. My hair is wavy and brown; it's not long and not too short either, and I'm crowned by a crown made of white roses. I'm in my best shapes and I'm 30 years old. I'm lying on a hammock, that long piece of strong cloth tied between two trees so that it swings, and I can feel the air breeze passing me by smoothly and it smells beautiful, like all the fruits' scents are cocktailed up in the air and made the best scent you can ever smell.

But that's just inside my house, which actually is not too big, just one room but a room that looks like a garden. My house has no walls, it's in the open air, still I have the best security system there ever is. No one can ever sneak in or steal a look inside, like anyone here would actually do this! And I'm living alone in my own house, or let's call it garden. I can sleep whenever I would like to, or maybe I have lots of interesting things to do that keeps me away of sleeping. Anything I'd like to eat or drink I can find it easily in front of me and already done for me. I can read all the beautiful stories I fancy about. I can play music and dance, I can write a happy novel. Or I can just walk around my garden admiring the colorful roses and the big trees from which marvelous fruits can fall on me.

But then someone knocks on my door, she's my dearest friend ever; we've never been apart ever since I've known her. She's my neighbor now, she has a garden just like mine, even prettier, and she comes daily to spend hours with me. But now she has come to tell me that there's a gathering, that our Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) has invited all of us in for tea at the afternoon and that we have to go. But how can I miss such a gathering? Who am I to refuse? It was one of the reasons why I worked hard to come over here, to meet him and listen to him while he speaks. I run to put on my white long veil, because it makes me look so pretty, and my nicely designed shoes which I haven't wore before. And I take my friend from her hands and step outside.

We pass by all the beautiful neighboring gardens; we knock on each door, telling them the news, the invitation. The first are my mother, my father and brother, then her mother and sister, and then all of our friends we love dearly, one by one, we never get tired or bored. We don't even think of what transportation we'll take, we just fly to there. The sun is shinning brightly but it gives a warm color that you actually love to look at it without getting your eyes hurt. We pass through the rivers of honey, I love their color and how they flow, and the rivers of pure white and sugary milk; we stop to drink a cup or two. We get to meet all the people we've known all our lives, all the good people we hold them as role models, who have inspired us and helped us work hard to earn this place. We greet them warmly and ask them if they are coming to the gathering. They all give the same reply "Sure, how we can miss that!"

And we keep on flying, now we're not alone we have a company of some of our dear friends and family, we move together and laugh and keep a smile. Till we reach there, the highest place of all, it looks so beautiful that it can't be described, it's beyond imagination, it's colorful in colors I've never seen and it's so wide that there at my seat, which is reserved only for me, I can see and hear everything clearly like I'm sitting in the very front seat, but every seat there is the very front seat. Everyone is present, millions, no billions. And I know them all, one by one, I've been introduced to them and to their stories the first day I've entered this place. They all look so beautiful wearing the best smile you can ever see and they talk and they laugh, but it's not noisy, it doesn't even look a bit crowded. And everyone is perfectly seated, it doesn't matter next to who you are seated because you love them all and you can talk with them all at the same time. It doesn't even matter where you will be seated because every seat there is a special VIP seat.

And then he comes (Peace be upon him), a moment of silence takes place because he has caught each one's attention, and he starts greeting everyone of us by his/her name. Yes we're billions and we have time for this, in fact we are enjoying every fraction of a second there is in time in his presence. And when he is done, he sits down, and then we find tea and cake and fruits everywhere to eat and enjoy and he starts talking and telling stories we have never heard about and everyone then by turn tells us a story or sings a song and we laugh like never before. It's never noisy, it's never unorganized and everything is just perfect, more than perfect. And time. Oh time doesn't fly here; it expands or shrinks however we'd like it to. It's the happily-ever-after ending everyone seeks.

That was the story, now let me tell the introduction.

On a night where I was so down and so frustrated with this life (dunya), I found a sweet beautiful girl opening up a chat with me and after some talk, she gave me a task, she asked me to write about how I imagine Paradise. That thought fell on me like an "aha!" moment, like I was blind and all of a sudden I can see again. I got happily excited, but that was a challenging task. First because I wasn't in the mood of writing, second because it's a description and I think I'm a bad describer. Third because I thought that was forbidden because I'm describing something that no one can ever give it its worth description, because it's something beyond imagination. And I admit, that description is just the worse description of how it really is, inshaa'Allah. I've skipped lots of details, because that would take pages and pages and never be enough and also because I don't wish to limit my imagination or yours with that narrow and little fickle images.


And then when I was writing this, I thought to myself that that should be something private, that's un-share-able. But I'm not sharing my imagination; I'm sharing the thought, the idea of imagining Paradise just when you are in the middle of your darkest times in life. I believe, or I do now, that it's a strong weapon to kill the devil inside you. By imagining your prize you'll find a very strong will to win this game, battle, life, or whatever you call it. Keep your heart and mind there and don't ever lose the hope of that happiest ending because it only comes to those who believe and those who truly believe truly work hard for what they believe in. It's never easy, but can you see how worthy it is?! 

Written long before…

L

ove is a mystery that no one could ever solve no matter how hard they tried or dedicated their lives for solving it. Some say love takes only one sight to happen, and they call it the first sight. Others say it needs a lifetime to flourish; that that first sight is not enough to make a love last. They are both right, I say. That doesn't solve the mystery of love; it just gives a clue of how love works.

I say, Love is written long before we even have been created. Love already knows where it has to go, on which hearts it should rest and which souls should it leave heartless, loveless. And because love loves to work silently and by itself, it seeks no help, it always seems mysterious. And we, human, fear the unknown and the hidden. That's why some people fear love and fear drowning into its deep blue opaque ocean. They put their hearts in a box sealed perfectly and they hide it from the eyes of love. They try to play the same game that love plays, being mysterious. By that they think they might eventually solve the great mystery and try to control love, but they fail. Love is always the only winner; in joy or in pain, Love wins.

But there are also who are courageous enough to fall into it. They are ready to do what it takes and go to the extremes to understand Love by all its mysteries. They are taken by its magic and charm and they fall into it with every trust that they would be saved by a parachute or maybe they would fall in a field of straws. Maybe they would never fall at all; they would keep floating in the air of love, flying like birds without wings. And they really do, love never fail them. Until suddenly all their dreams collapse and they hit the ground very hard and end up broken. They blame love for being this much mysterious and hiding its actions. They think maybe if love had told them its plans and showed its cards they would have known what to do to save their selves.

Love again wins with its mysteriousness. Love is always the only winner; in joy or in pain, Love wins. Because, it's true that love never says where it is going, but for those who watch attentively Love keeps its cards open to anyone who'd like to have a look at it. Love is pure and honest, it doesn't betray; it's just silent. It walks blindly, but it knows its destination very well. Love is very strong and Love is always the only winner; in joy or in pain, Love wins. Love is written long before we even have been created. Love knows where it has to go, on which hearts it should rest and which souls should it leave heartless, loveless.

That first sight, I believe it's the moment Love shows you its first card. The moment Love comes to you and introduces itself telling you it's meant to rest in your heart for a while. And it's that moment I want to share with you. A moment in a story I thought of never telling. But in an attempt of solving the mystery of love, at least of how it works, it's a moment that has to be told. And I'll start from the very start of it.

I

 think I've noticed him once at college. I didn't think of him that much, but I always thought he's kind of weird, not the one I'd like to fall for or even know. But I never judged him more than that; it's what I usually do, I don't judge people I've never spoken to. Till one day I found out that we're connected, he's a friend of a friend of mine. I met this friend of mine on a coincidence that was meant to be, and he was there among the crowd that was there too. My friend asked me to join her and her friends, I agreed and it was my first time to listen to his voice. I then was sure that he exists, the same way I've noticed him before. That day I didn't feel his presence that much, though he's fond of making a huge appearance. He was remarkably noticeable, he was the fun, the laugh, and the stories that entertained us. I still remember the details of that day, the conversations and all the laughs. It was that day too that I found out that he had noticed me too, same as I have noticed him before. And later on I knew that I hadn't left a nice impression as he didn't as well.

That day passed but deep inside I was happy, happy to gain some new friends. And another day came, when that common friend of ours asked me to attend with them that concert. It's something I've been dreaming of, attending concerts, and so I agreed happily. Of course he was there… It was okay for me, his presence didn't mean that much for me back then though he's, as mentioned before, not someone who you can easily ignore. It was perfect, that day, I was happy and enjoying my time. Only one thing irritated me, it was a very crowded place, and I didn't like it. Especially that seat I was seated in, I couldn't either have a good vision of the band playing, I wasn't fully enjoying from that place where I was. I searched for every possible available place; I couldn't find a better one. Except that there was a one beside him, that seat felt perfect. But I was too shy to go there on my own, like I wanted him to ask me first. I didn't even complain about my seat or anything till my friend noticed my distress and suggested that place over there, beside him. I accepted her suggestion as if it hadn't come to my mind at all and I moved to there, shyly.

There was the moment, the minute I sat beside him, the minute he asked me if I'm better there. It felt like he was my savior, the one who'll protect me and surround me from any danger that could be. My hero, though he hadn't done a thing. It was an indescribable feeling. I was quite and shy at first, but he hadn't left me a choice, they all didn't. It was a nice enjoyable concert and I was happy. I couldn't keep the shyness and silence too much, I laughed and talked and enjoyed every moment, specially the music. We talked and talked a lot. It felt like that was his moment too, the moment he saw me or felt what I've been feeling too. That he is the one to be responsible for me, my savior. He's the one who's meant to keep me safe and comfortable. He's the one who is meant to make me happy.

I don't know who started it, was it him or was it me? Were my feelings too strong to reach him the same way I felt them? Or were his feelings of concern and care that reached me first and made me think what I thought, or feel what I felt. It doesn't matter at all. It's that moment that proves it all; that love is a mystery. That love comes at the strangest places and the strangest times to rest in the hearts of two strangers. That moment may not be an enough proof. But that moment was enough to assure me that he's not just a passer by my life, not someone who'll come into my life for a while and leave it untouched, not someone who'll not be mentioned in my stories of my life. That moment was indeed the start of every joy and pain in my life ever since that day.

The proof starts from the minute I noticed him, a stranger that caught my eyes for a while and made me think of him. Then when a coincidence made me realize how close he is to me. And finally love presented its master scene when it took both of our feelings, mingled them together and made them one, an only feeling, a desire that we two have got to stay together forever. Doesn't that prove it? That love is written long before we even have been created. That love knows exactly where it has to go, at what time and on which hearts it should rest or which souls should it leave heartless, loveless. Isn't love mysterious and unpredictable? Isn't that the only truth about love that no one can deny? No matter how hard they tried or what they have been through?

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P.S: Don't judge, don't over-think, and don't assume! Just enjoy this piece of Art.

       It's my first kind of a short story, so a feedback would really be appreciated. Please! 

Confessions of a protected heart

Unlike all girls I know, and even those who I don't, I have this dream of marrying a man who I never knew before. And if I would know him, then I would only know him because he asked to marry me. Yes this is my dream, since I was a little girl; and my opinion whenever anyone asks for it. It has always made me feel strong; it made me feel good and wise. And as I got older my dream got even stronger, it became like a principle or a promise that I work hard not to break. And this has caused me a lot of pain and confusion. It prevented me from recognizing the opportunity of meeting a possible future husband. It sealed my heart away from falling for any man. I always thought that was my own self protection for my pure and innocent heart. And I still think so. Yet though all these thoughts and dreams, though all the pain and confusion, I've fallen many times and I have hurt my heart badly many times . 

And lately I'm still confused as I wonder, should I hold on to my principle, my dream? Or Should I let it pass and break it? I'm starting to doubt my principle, and the fact that I've already broken it many times before makes it a weak principle to my mind, but to my heart it's still the strongest principle I've ever had. Thinking of it still makes my heart feel strong, protected maybe. And here's the thing, what guarantees my heart's safety and innocence? Marrying a man who I used to love before marriage? Or taking the risk of loving the man I'll be marrying? Or is that taking the safe side actually?

I know all of that talk about love, that it isn't the most important factor for happiness, but why wouldn't it exist? I know the answer which says that love is a feeling that can come easily if everything else that really matters is already there in the first place. I know that the love that leads to happiness is the love that has a good base to settle on. I know that love is so pure and innocent that it can't lead itself, and thus the emotions surrounding love are those who lead it, whether they lead it to heaven or to hell. I know. I still get confused. Maybe I get confused because I simply couldn't hold onto my childhood dream, the dream that made me feel strong. I get confused because as I think of loosing that dream I understand that this makes me weak and unwise.

And it suddenly hits me, I'm just like any other girl I know, and even those who I don't, I get confused between my principles and my fantasies of a happy life full of love. It is okay to wonder and get lost and drifted away by the truth, the truth that no matter your feelings are and how much you tried to express them in words, it remains the same. The truth is that I can have them both if I only choose the right choice; I can hold onto that dream of having a strong heart and at the same time I can have the love I fantasize.

 My heart knows it all well; all I've to do is just follow it.

September, 2

Race

A race that is all made up by my mind, and thus it doesn't resemble any of the races you had ever known because simply it's a race that doesn't match any of the races' rules.

The race's participants are us, some friends and I.

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It's a race. And we're all in it together. The road on which we're racing is filled with mountains, hills, rivers and valleys. It's a very tough and a very rough road. There are no rules for the race, nothing at all. You can walk, ride a bike or ride a horse. You can swim, take a boat or just float. You can stay still and never move or you can speed up till you can no longer move at all. You can climb the mountain or move around it. You can even take a shortcut; but sometimes shortcuts are just a waste of time. There are only two rules; one is that you have to start at the start point and you have to finish at the finish point. Two is that it's a race that is made up of levels. The more time you spend racing, the higher the level you reach.

We all get to start from the same starting point together; at the same time. But each one of us is destined to finish at a certain finish point; a finish point that each one of us has pre-planned and worked for individually. I have just passed level one. Some of us had started level two, others are still on level one making their way out and others, like me, are just waiting aimlessly, maybe they are just gearing up for level two. Level two, for me, is much more difficult than level one. In level two, we get to make up our way, our own road; the road on which we'll be racing. We don't get to start level two together and thus we get shattered; we're no longer close to each other. And obviously level two is still undetermined.

On the other side, level one was already planned for us; it was already determined. The road was clear and mountains were easy to climb. All we had to do is to walk and enjoy. All we had to do is to race as much as our abilities can take us. We all took our first steps together as we all had to start level one at the same starting point, together. We were just starting and thus we were good and healthy, we even had fun and played together. We weren't taking it too serious, we were free and we thought we would stay all our life just in level one. But time has passed and soon we had to leave the freedom of level one to get to level two.

It was kind of easy to pass level one and so we all did though we didn't all reach the start of level two together. And starting level two we get to disperse. Now each one of us is starting level two on his own. But as we'll keep on moving we'll be meeting others who have been racing their races as well, and then they'll get drift away once again. The best thing in level two is that you have the whole area to joggle in. You can even move backwards, sideways or zigzagged. All you've got to do is to plan your route and build your road. And now as I get to plan for my own path and build my own road, I'll have a plan to even work harder and smooth the road I walk, for others who'll be following me. And I'll never forget the levels to come ahead; they'll be the light that I'll be running towards.

And the race will stay on till the end…

I can't remember what I came here to say, but I know I needed to say something that matters. It'll never come back as it was before. And what's gone can never come back. But I miss it so much! I miss how I was when it was there all around me. I miss that feeling of knowing what has to be done. And it's a state that I've never been through. It got worse though it should have been getting better. And I can't understand what made me take the path till here. Here, where there's no return but to keep going till the end and then choosing a different path. And I remember the moments I followed you and you failed me. You failed me because maybe you didn't know that I was following. But I failed myself more by following you. And you know what hurts the most? You never asked me not to follow you.

Life

A conversation that I had with Life:

Me: I hate you and I don't want to live you anymore!

Life: Stop trying to get upset and ignore me. You never succeed!

Me: Well, this time I have to because I'm totally fed up of you and all the people who live you.

Life: Okay, besides the people part, that thing I can't help with. I'll only defend myself! Tell me only one good reason to hate me and I'll just disappear and let you do what you want. 

Me: Okay, You don't give me anything at all. And I expect a lot from you! That's why I have to stop expecting anything. I hate you already as you always drift me away from what would really give me the best and everything I want. You drift me away from doing what I have to do to get the best. And that's why I don't want to care about you or about anyone who's living you anymore!

Life: That's true. But let me explain why I do this. I'm not doing it on purpose. You know, it's like a reaction for your actions. I never do anything to anyone who doesn't deserve it. People say life isn't fair, but it isn't fair for everyone, so it's fair enough. 

I didn't drive you away or do anything of that crap you say, these are just illusions made up by your sick mind. If you want to do something and get it, then move forward and do it. Don't expect me to give you everything while you are sitting at your place doing nothing but just expecting. Back to the reaction action part; you don't take an action, so I don't give you a reaction back. That's it!

ME: No, I give you a lot! And there's where I went wrong! I gave you what you didn't deserve! I cared though you never or ever will care. I just need to stop giving you anything! That doesn't mean that I will stop my actions. But my actions will never be again to please you. Not to mention that I'll never expect any of your reactions. I'm fed up with you. I'm fed up with expecting you to be good!

Life: Okay, fine! You know maybe this is the solution for you and me. Maybe the reason you hate me is because you do it for me. DO IT FOR YOURSELF. Yes exactly as you said. Do it and never expect anything in return, because everything you do, even if you didn't get anything back, is only for your own sake. And when I find that you really deserve it, you'll get it back, as a reaction but never as an action!

Well, I then had nothing to say, because I got convinced. Thank you life, you always understand yourself well. And let me understand you well too.

Life is as bad as it gets, but you have to keep living it as best as you can get.

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The actors in order:

Salma El-Khamy as in Me. (that's me)

Salma Emaduddin as in Life.

Yes, me and Salma have co-authored this written piece. 

I'll be there, I promise

I met her on a very tiring day. It was too sunny and hot and I wasn't ever in a mood to start any conversation with anyone. She was lost and she needed some answers to questions on her mind. I was there and she started talking and talking. I had to help and answer her. And ever since that day I felt responsible for her and she's responsible for me.

She turned out to be the friend I dream of. She came that day to save my whole life ever after. We had a year full of great events and memories together. Then the year after, our story just grew bigger and deeper. And the year after that, things around us began to change dramatically, but she and I never skipped on each other. We proved that true friends can exist together even if they are miles and miles away. And even though our talks and meetings became less and less by each day, but when we had one it was like we have been always together and never apart. And so is the case up till today. We knew everything about each other even though we hadn't had to live it together but it was like we were there in each other's life all the time. 

She's my best friend and the sister I ever wished to have. And though this year that connection became a little less as we don't regularly follow up with each other, but somehow, for me, she gets to know the most major events in my life. And I think I get to know hers as well. And by that I can say that we were never apart and in heart we were too close. And though everything, I never doubted her love to me or I don't think she has ever doubted my love to her.

She's the perfect friend to have. And very soon enough, her day to shine is to come; she'll be the bride of the day. I saw a friend of her planning to be her photographer, and another planning to plan with her everything for the big day and another cheering and writing her happy wishes everywhere and I feel jealous. Yes, I do. But, I won't let that day to pass without me. I won't let myself miss the day where I can keep watching her happy and smiling from deep inside. I'll be there for her, for I know she'll need me. I'll just be there, for anything she needs. I'll take the place of her sister. Yes, I might not be able to photograph her every minute of the day, and yes I'm sorry that I'll be busy to plan for the day with her. But I know that I'll have my special place beside her on that day, the day she'll never forget. And my place won't be just like any other, I'll leave a huge deep mark. And she'll be so happy. But I'll be so much happier. For her! :)

Besides, that's only the engagement party. When it comes to the wedding, I'll literally do everything, just everything for her. And not just for the wedding, but for her whole life ever after.

Stuck

Yesterday, I took my car and kept driving. I drove into places I've never been to before. I wanted to do something reckless, have a new experience, know more places and just drive aimlessly. And I did, I kept driving into the most unexpected areas never expecting what to find. Till I reached a dead-end; I no longer then could move forward or even backward, and it was too narrow to make a turn. I gave up. I couldn't think of a way out, except me getting out of the car thinking if I can actually leave it behind and go. I stopped the car, stepped outside, locked it and moved away. A passer by stopped me and said "Are you leaving it here, like this?" and I replied like "Do I have any other options?"

I left, I walked around the place unknowing where to go, I got myself some chocolate, I stood there in the middle of the streets staring at every thing around without having a single thought inside my head. Till I found myself heading back to my car, just to find that my way out has even got more blocked. But I thought to myself, with a smile on, shouldn't I take my car home? Then I must get out of here. I asked about that car that was blocking my way. They told me that the man driving this car is the doctor living in that building, I asked them to kindly go and ask him if he can move his car. They did, he moved it away, and I got out. Though it was hard getting out of that too narrow street in backward steps, but I got out. I was finally free again. I drove safely ever after till I reached home. I had enough of adventures of the day.

Now, isn't that life? You get yourself stuck in places where you can no longer move a step forward. And then you've got to take a moment to think of a way out, as there's always a way out. You can give up on figuring out the way. You can step out, thinking by that you're actually leaving your problems behind. You can go and move around aimless thinking by that you'll find another path to walk. You can take as much time as you can, you can waste your whole life figuring out your way. But you'll keep on going back to that same place where you got stuck. And one day or another, you'll have to have the guts to get yourself out. And only then, you can continue moving on with your life. Time won't stop or wait for you, you waste a part of your life getting out of blocked dead-ends. So hurry up, find the way. For your life can't wait any longer. Actually, it won't wait; it's you who has to catch up with it.

He

He came to mess our lives up and down, change them and rearrange them. He came to spot a light on what should be right. He came to tell us how to dream high, look up to the sky and say the moon is meant to be ours. All he had was something in his smile, his words and voice. He also had a brain that thinks in all the things of life. He taught us one thing, in together we should be, for together we will be. And so we were together in the dream to be. We all shared one dream. Till we got confused, whose dream it was? We were gathered upon one thing, it was his love, loving to please him and never letting him down. Sometimes we had to fight for who dreams to achieve more, sometimes we were hurt by just holding the dream. But every time we got confused, he reminded us of the lesson. Together we can do something no one has ever done. So we did things together, we got the best memories to hold together. And we knew then if we'd ever find ourselves alone, then we'd be in that together too.

But then he left. Shall we then be shattered, or has he succeeded in putting us together forever?

Couldn't find a name

I'm over the moon.. For I think I got it all.
I'm over the moon.. But earth keeps calling.
It doesn't seem right, and not wrong too.
Is it Perfect?!?!

I tell things that when others know they abandon their minds' peace.
Then should I be proud or should I doubt?
Is it the truth being told in the face? A hard reality to embrace?
Or is it just a talk being told to hurt and damage?
Then do I inspire? or make a bonfire?

They say it's obvious. I say it's normal.
As a matter of fact it's a state of mind.
Once set right, nothing can cause a fight.
And I got the insight that gave me peace of mind.
So, nothing worries me, nothing else matters.

But then comes you, and I feel like it's mine.
For I saw it coming and I said I won't let it grow.
And I acted with a good intention helping you know.
Have I succeeded, I couldn't say? Have I been trying enough, maybe no?
I think it all came by itself. Maybe I had no hand in that show.
But I swear I had no plans in mind, just a loving vow.

Have I taken someone else's place? Who said it's his place at all?
Were I playing games, trying to be smart but failed? Or have I made it through?
But no, I said I had no plans. Is it normal to play plain, can it even hold any gain?
So, I'll have faith. I'm all good as all good can attain.

To know me better, you have to always keep the letter.
Be nice and always break the ice. But don't surprise.
Very odd, very strange. Actually too complex to compromise.

You're thinking what is this all about. But I figured no name out.
And I have no idea why I tend to rhythm every word I write.
Though they don't but I needed to keep a sound.
This isn't a poem, so don't bother.
Or even a feeling to be stated out loud.
It's me putting words together
to find a meaning that was never found.
And I still keep the rhythm.

Have you enjoyed? I kinda feel you'll say No!
Did you get it? Definitely ..  I know!
But it's okay, I'll stay on the way
And maybe it's a way ready to be in play.

Thank you for putting up with me!
And sincerely, don't judge me! =)

Trick or Treat

On a night so cold,

I felt alone; missing or maybe missed.

Getting ready to weep like a kid,

as I got nothing in my head.

There came a word, that took my breath bit by bit.

I thought of every possible meaning it hid.

But I got the courage to respond,

though all the thoughts that lit.

It started fine though I didn't get it right.

Then another word opened my heart wide.

Strange as I felt, I got all that from inside,

to let it out smoothly, happily and with no other side.

It was a minute I've been waiting for so long in time

to flow all the words I kept for a moment that is mine.

And the part that captivated my mind

was the part where my words were listened and admired.

Then at the peak of all that rush

something was about to make me hush.

As I expected what to be stated next

but didn't expect how it could be fixed.

I stopped to listen, I paused to understand.

I got it all, but time was short to make a land.

And I was impressed at the trust I set and got.

Only then that I understood

I'll have a new friend, a friend I'll never hurt,

a friend where strength I'll give, and strength I'll find,

a friend who I'll long for and wish the best,

and a friend who'll see the friend in me.

Still time didn't hold all that I sought,

Things I missed to say and things I haven't caught.

And I thought I've got an unlimited vote,

But I'll never lose the hope.

The hope of the friend I'm waiting for.

But while the wait

I get thoughts that I hate.

Thoughts that, if proven, will hold the knife

that kills my heart's life.

And I think, Is it all a trick? Or a treat for me?

Is it a too smart or a too kind act

to grab me in through tact?

Just to show me the thoughts I didn't let in,

and tell me how it will go on then.

Or still, nice it is as I felt when I got that trend

of having you as my dearest friend?

So I'll kill the thoughts that kill,

and relive the hope that live.

And I'll find a way to make you my tent

and prove you I'm indeed a friend!

Restless heart

When there's this urge to write but words are not found.
It's like the words refuse to be let out.
Or is it my heart that has captivated my tongue and mind.
Maybe because it's confused with those too many emotions around.
And maybe it's my mind that has taken all the words left out.
To try to understand the barrier that has been built inside.

But I try as I might.
And I find some guide.
To what's behind my heart and mind.
And here I'll start.

One:
You said you'll shine like you always do. And you did shine my life too. You gave me the light I love to live in. The shine was so strong that my eyes blinked at first, but then came the smile that never left. Suddenly you shined away. You didn't stay for long, you shined out taking the lights away from me. This time it hurt because you gave me the happiness that I couldn't enjoy for long. But then comes... 

Two:
Are you back there? There to where I can't find you. And I think I should get you back here. But I have to find you first. It's like you run away! And I think, is it something I did? Or did I have already used up my turns? Thinking like that hurts, both you and I. It's a fact you're there, and it feels like my duty to get you here. But it's also a fact that you don't let me in and I can't find you if you kept running. I blame myself for how weak I try, but actually I'm killing myself just by thinking of how much I should try. And then a step like saying 'Hi' seems like the gun that aims up high, at me! 

Three:
The lie I'm living! I admit that I don't! I just do because I promised I would! Then you come and tell me how much you did and how much you'll do. You're too sweet I couldn't repel. And only then I figure that I missed. But you weren't what was worrying me, or what was confusing me. You weren't in me!
Is it because we're not connected? Is it because of the uneasiness I feel when I get to talk? But you're too sweet to be true. I can't believe you're already there. It's your sweetness that keeps me attached. If ever you got sour you should be aware that I'll never try to re-attach. That's why it's a lie.

Four:
You're supposed to be my best friend. We have this unique kind of blend. But recently I don't feel the harmony of our minds. I'm finding you acting like you don't know me at all. Or you do, but you just don't do it right. Maybe because I know that you know me the best then I expect you do what I expect you to do, but you don't. And I feel like we're detaching in every way. It isn't like any of that I used to say.
And it hurts as much as it does to think you're not trying enough, or that you can't feel the detachment that I feel. I don't believe you're not thinking that something is wrong, and that's why I'm waiting you come back strong. Strange as it may be, but I miss you my best self! :) Yes, that's how I describe you, please be back to this same description, I can't nor that I want to find a replacement!

Five:
Me. I disappoint me! But then comes hope that tells me: be patient and wait, for I promise I'll keep my faith. My faith in me that I can be who I want to be. My faith in my heart for how strong it stands against all that breaks me. And my faith in my mind that it will work right when the moment is tight. But I still can't trust me on the promise I made to myself! And I simply don't trust me for the many times that I disappointed me. It's a kind of a loop that has to be broken with a decision of trust that I should make to myself! So I'll decide to give myself one last chance to prove me wrong. Or I won't be able to forgive myself any next.

Six:
Isn't it enough? Or is there more.

Because this moment shall pass in a blink of an eye like any other moment.
And my heart's state will turn as the clock ticks.
Then will come other emotions to confuse my heart,
or another block to complete the barrier.
Maybe someone will come to break the walls and fix the links inside,
or maybe my heart and mind will cooperate to defeat all enemies.

And it will all go well and perfectly fine.
The light will shine back to let me breathe,
or maybe I'll understand that the light is not necessary for me to breathe.
I'll manage to get you back here, or maybe you'll come all by yourself.
And the sweetness might turn even sweeter and fill my life with all the happiness I wish for,
or maybe it would suddenly turn sour and I give up.
And finally I think the harmony will soon be back too quickly, for the beats won't sound right if they beat differently.

That's life and that's how it keeps my heart restless. Thank God it is, for if it hasn't, that would have meant that I died. And I'm still alive! =)

Is it an illusion?

When I look into your eyes I could hear nothing! Your eyes don't speak to me! And if they do, I don't get what they say! This tells me that I'm not the one who's meant to get what your eyes say!

Everything was perfect, except for those awkward moments when you don't get what I say? and I don't know how to explain or if I have to! The awkward moments when I feel like I really need to understand you and get you to understand me but you don't seem to give me a chance and we don't easily work it out!

I remember a moment when I looked into your eyes and kept looking without saying a word! And you looked back waiting for me to speak or to understand what my eyes were saying, but you couldn't! And that was the only time I understood your eyes because simply there's was nothing behind them, just the question of what that deep look is for! It ended up without answering your question and I didn't feel ashamed of what you'd be thinking of me because then I really wanted to tell you something that only my eyes could say!

Your smile, your walk with pride, the way you joke, your postures, the way you stand, the way you sit and all those things you do when you're happy are all the things I wait for when I know I'll be seeing you and they are all the things that make me happy too.

Today what I loved the most was hearing you calling my name many times, asking for me and making sure I listen to you. It's just that the feeling that you needed to talk to me thrills me! Even though I know you just did so because somehow you had to!

And sometimes, just sometimes, though how great I see you I also think that you're weak, tender and sweet; someone who sometimes, again just sometimes, doesn't know exactly what to do, or needs some help from others. Someone with a little weak motive and needs someone to boost it!

I have no idea why I dreamed of you that night, but I dreamed of nothing but a long deep eye contact. Maybe it's because I really need to understand and know what goes back there behind your eyes.

I get so much touched by your mood shifts, does this mean anything? And if you're sad you really don't know how much do I need to do anything just to see you smiling again!

Have I told you before that you're smile is such a captivating one?

And sometimes I don't understand you at all. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know you. And I think I really do know nothing about you. What's weird is that though I know that I know nothing about you I feel like I already know everything about you! Is that something you intended to do?

If you have something else that is charming besides your smile, it would be your words! Maybe it's your voice! And I remember those very little rare seconds where our hands in a way touched softly.

And I know nothing about why I'm keeping my mind full and alert of you and everything you do. Will that ever end? Or will I forever be missing you? I need to know, because I just wouldn't be able to live with the fact that I miss you!

Something to say

This week was the weirdest week ever! It still hasn't ended yet, but everything was just going in the wrong direction. Until today and everything is just starting to get back on track. I had many thoughts and here I'll lay them.

•  It was all messed up. There was a delay, there was a life to worry about, there was a fear un-handled. But everything went gently greatly. Yes it didn't satisfy me a bit, I didn't satisfy me! But to them, who matter the most, they had the fun of their lives! Thank God!
•  I had the longest day ever; a day that was more than 24 hours. I was too tired to continue, too emotionally exhausted to carry on! But I did, and amazingly I did a lot of things that I needed to do!
•  I couldn't believe a gift could bring tears. But it wasn't the gift, it was what it meant.
•  I got shocked by how you thought of me. It was like you really never knew me. And it hurts when suddenly you figure out that those who you spend most of your time with know nothing about how to appreciate you!
•  Then came the time I needed my shell to sleep and stay sleeping. Nothing was what I needed to do mostly and nothing I did. Felt nice though not reliving!
•  Still the nothingness conquers me, but nothing is ever nothing.
•  And then came the feeling and the confession that I can't help dealing with us specially when we're all stressed up.
•  Did I mention that you were away and never there never trying to break the barriers being built? You're still away and the barriers keep growing. Did I mention that I do not wish to be the one who breaks them? and I won't!
•  Things gone messy but found their way at the end after a heartache. I know I might be mistaken and done lots of mistakes. Yes I was, because I was in a need to not to act wisely and so I did! What's wrong with that? I needed to go mad!
•  And Today was the day of clearing the fog, and tidying the mess. Though the day started with a huge humiliation, but it ended with a compassion.
•  I let my tears find their way today, I couldn't keep holding them more; they help when they flow.
•  I know what I came to hear but I couldn't think of a better reaction than what really happened.
•  Things are worse, but we are much more stronger and better. We're together and no one has given up.
•  You made me happy to know you moved step forward in this that was causing us all the pain.
•  And also today, you were the one who corrects me without embarrassing me, who blames me without making me feel bad about myself, who advices me rather than shouts at me and who supports me the most when I needed it the most just from you.
•  Forgiveness is something that I felt today. I always thought it was an impossible thing to achieve, but you always make me see that it's such an easy thing to do. You're kindness is the kindness I'm searching for; the kindness that comes strictly and unnoticed. 
•  Did I mention also that you didn't care at all to call? And you know what, I think I should stop this big fat lie that I'm living myself in.
•  About lying I could write a whole article!
•  In the end! It's much more harder than before. But I promised myself to never give up! And today gave me the reason of why I should never give up! 
•  I'll carry on strongly and I'll make it till the end to be the winner that never quits!
•  Just Thank You!! =)

**Note: Every "you" is different, so don't bother yourself matching the "you"s. It actually might be you.