Happy New Year!

A new year is on your door, sealed up tight, wrapped up with curiosity and hope, holding mysterious days for you to live. It's beautifully designed, yet unpredictable. You're curious to open it, but you're afraid of what you are to witness. You're opening it anyway. And you're grateful it came to your door.

Three days and a whole new year begins. Three days and you'll be gifted another 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days and 52,600 hours of happiness, struggle, progress, growth and experience.

Three days and the year that five years ago I thought was a year that's too far away will begin. It's a year I thought was in the long future. I couldn't even think of it as a possible year coming. And here it is, I've lived to watch myself living to year 2011.

And I don't know what to think. Should I be happy? I know I'm grateful that I lived this long. It's just that the years have passed too quickly. I regret the day that passed without living it to the fullest. Sometimes I do wish to rewind my days to set things right or to just stay living the happy memorable moments I have lived and make them even more memorable. I admit, I'm a little scared of what 2011 has for me. I've never been scared of a coming year like this before. But this year I am, for I don't have any clue of what's ahead of me. Whenever I try to think, I go blank. Yes, I have some plans, but I have no idea how will they go!

That was watching 2011 coming. But watching 2010 going is also exactly the same. It was a year that I was longing for so long, and it did come, and here it's going without leaving a notice. I can't remember like today a year ago, I can't remember how or when it started. I can't recall all that has been through the year. But to think what was the best that happened to me in 2010, I think a big part of my life has changed. There's only one thing on my mind that I've achieved through this year, and it's the best of all. It's a thing that will stay forever in my memories.

I feel like I'm stuck between two years. One I'm totally scared to go through, and another I'm wishing to rewind to keep it in my memories a bit longer. But there's only one way to take and it's moving forward. It seems like it needs a courageous man to keep moving on a path without knowing what the next step will look like. But here I am ready and willing to face 2011 with every faith I have that this year will be an outstanding one. I'm not giving up today.

And to learn from the past. I'm marking today in my memory to remember it next year, inshaa'Allah.

I wish you a Happy New Year full of happiness, success, many memorable days and great achievements.

A new year is unfolding like a blossom with petals curled tightly concealing the beauty within.

 

I was blind one day...

I had my eyes covered, I was blindly driven...

It's true that feelings change and perspectives differ by time. Today I look at my past and I laugh...I laugh at how I used to see things. I laugh at how I was so blind and so driven towards a fake reality. I couldn't believe I have let go my principles for something that truly wasn't right at all. I laugh at how fearless and stubborn I was to walk through this deadly path. I laugh at how I thought it was a challenge doing it the wrong way and waiting for miracles at the same time. Was I this naive to be driven to such a loosing risk?

Strange that right now I can't remember how I was feeling. I remember I was overwhelmed. I remember I was motivated on doing something completely wrong. But honestly I totally can't see why. I can't remember what was making me keep on moving through that dead ended path. I could say at least I was happy and that's one point in favor of my past, but that's not the case. The happiness of lust I had was something that never last for long. It's gone now and I'm left by nothing. So, what was in it for me? Nothing, just a couple of years I've missed living right! And that's the only thing I regret. How much I missed just because I was afraid of missing. I didn't play the game right. I took the wrong risk. I held on to the card I thought was magical, the card I'd  lose everything without it. Although the winning risk was letting it go. The truth is I've lost everything by holding on to it.

Yes, I sometimes do regret how I was for the past couple of years. I sometimes just wish if I have never been through any of what I've been through. Yes I think I've lost myself there. But, now that I'm getting myself back. I think I would have never felt grateful for who I am right now and who I was except by losing myself and finding it again. It's the same like you never know what you have got till you lose it! I lost myself once and now I'm searching for me. I was this close to the biggest loss. I know I've lost a lot. But the loss could have been more. I have been being driven badly to the darkest of places. And no one is to be blamed but me. Now I thank God for giving me the guide to truth, for giving me the chance to observe this different perspective. Maybe this time I would even find a better version of me.

I just wish I learn. I wish I never go back there ever again! I don't need it, I know this very well. I deserve something much better, for there is what's truly perfect. Funny how I let go my perfectionism for something that isn't perfect at all. That's not happening again. Now I see, I'm no longer blind and I trust myself. Thank God for how strong I am right now. And I pray I keep this strength for long.

الحمد لله

Discrete Thoughts...

- This year I have learnt alot; and all that I have learnt makes me feel that my life is all ahead of me to enjoy and do all the things I've just learnt, the things I wish to do.


- Now I know. If there's one thing I have to improve, that will be my concetration and FOCUS ON WHAT I really want TO DO.


- To myself: "Salma, never forget this. You're someone totally great and amazing. And no one has the right to make you feel otherwise."


- I thank the day God let you be in my life. And I thank you for selecting my life to get involved with.


- My life has changed by a single phone call that I answered on a rush.


- Behind my smile is everything you'll never know or understand. Though I wish you do one day...


- Today I looked at you and I thought you deserve more than a smile.


- And you come to my dreams to make my days...Thank you!

The game of life

No one will ever know what he has been through...

  No one will know how the pain was or how had he struggled to keep that smile, the smile that everyone wished to have, for he didn't tell anyone about all that has been going on back in his own lonely life. He never let anyone recognize that there was something wrong, something hidden. And although he always needed a support, he never asked for help. He knew that this would only add to their pains and never cure his. For him, that was wasting energy and hurting others, that wasn't what he wanted.

 So, he made it short. He kept that smile on. He preserved that shine in the way he looks and smiles to everyone. He kept loving and giving like a river that never dries. He was the kindest. His heart was open to everyone. He was the most forgiving person anyone could have known. He knew that nothing else mattered than people's love. Everyone loved him, everyone needed him and everyone used his support. And the strangest is that his heart was never tight to bear anyone's sadness, like anything could fit in. What was stranger is that whenever he felt weak, nothing gets him stronger except a call of help from a friend, like he takes his energy only because others needed him badly. He was the candle that lights better when it gets darker. He was everyone's candle.

 It was like he was the happiest person on earth, to them. They saw him the most optimistic, hopeful and strongest person they have ever seen. They never thought of him as a man with a deep sadness within. But no one was ever courageous enough to get deep inside of him and know what it that he's keeping and bearing in his heart is. No one tried to know what does his life misses. They thought there was nothing. Nor that he opened the door for anyone to get in and discover. He never showed a weakness. He didn't know how to be weak.

 At his hardest times, he used to run away from everyone, before anyone could notice that the candle's light he was holding was fading away. And he had times when he wondered why there isn't anyone beside him to support him. He wondered why life has put him in this situation alone. Times when he wished someone would light for him the way to his own candle that was at that moment a little far away. But he believed in not taking from anyone's light, he didn't want to share the light of others, he didn't want to seem selfish or hopeless. That's how he healed himself, healing others was his way. That was what motivates him to find his candle, or even go and buy a new one, a new larger and more living candle that could give a brighter light to all who are around him, and even to him.

 But definitely, that wasn't easy. His feelings were always confusing. At times he felt lost. He missed living a normal life. His life was either at its happiest peaks where he's around people having fun and spreading the hope or at its most painful peaks alone struggling and couldn't move a finger. He had times where he thought he was all fake, times when he thought he doesn't have the hopes he gives others. And others when he felt he was a disappointment only because he was a little late searching for the candle that lights the world.

But he really wasn't faking any of that happiness and strength. He was fighting really strong. He was fighting alone in a battle where there's no one by his side and his enemies were all different, strong and fighting against him. Even his own self was an enemy. It was a battle that no one would ever dare to get in. But he won! The battle was his to win worthily, for he planned to win from the start. He recognized that if he had failed this battle, then it could have been the worst failure anyone could ever fail. And if he won, then that would be a victory everyone dreams to have. So, he valued the opportunity he was given. He thanked God for it, and promised not to lose it. Yes, he didn't win against his illness, he didn't win against death. But he won living the life everyone was wishing for. He won being the smile in everyone's life. He didn't win anything for his own, but he won everything for his existing.

He believed he was dying already, so he lived each day as his last. And only by that did he manage to actually live forever. He lived in everyone else's life, stories and memories, the things that never die or fade away. For everyone, he never really died, in their hearts he remained, in their stories he lived forever. And no one will ever know or tell the struggling part of his life, the part that truly has no reason to live any longer.

Yes he lost life. But he won the game of life!

Disappointing...

    Sometimes we wish life could give us second chances, or times we wish to rewind just to make the right choice back then. Yes, you learn from your mistakes, and you think that the next time you'd be put in the same situation you would then do the right thing. But it's not about the next time or learning from a mistake. It's about missing an opportunity and being put in such a bad situation. There's a price for learning, but it's not about paying the cost, it's about letting others down. It's how you feel about yourself  and how you see it that matters. And actually sometimes, you don't learn this much. You don't learn as much as bad as you committed that mistake.

A story that never ends

She says:
"It was perfect. Everything was exactly as I wanted. I was happy and satisfied with it, the way it was. And I think I was doing great. Because I've been busy, too busy lately, and there still was something. At the end of our day, however our day was, when we go to sleep at night, at least for me, I know there's someone somewhere out there who's loving me, missing me and wishes for just an hour to be spend together. I thought that was something. And something enough to be great, even perfect.


But, it wasn't like this a month ago. A month ago, love for me wasn't being free, love was a commitment. I hated it this way that I started to doubt the love I have for him. I didn't wish to commit to this side of love. Specially because now is not the time for love to be a commitment, now is time for love to be inspiring and an energy source. And, because for a whole month, I've been discovering a new side of the love I have, the side I think is perfect, I've become afraid of how it would turn out? How much will it last? 


Unfortunately, it didn't last, just as I expected! Though he was loving unconditionally, he was always in doubt that I love him back. I kept doing my best to prove him wrong and still preserve the side I love about love. But, it all was in vain, when I did that one thing, just one thing to prove his doubts. One thing I wasn't completely aware of. One thing, because I was a little biased to preserving my loved side of love, being somewhat not committed, being trustful of each other's feelings, however was the case. And that was it, the end of my perfect phase."


He says:
"My passion was high. I loved her like I never did before. I gave her everything. I appreciated, I waited, I showed every compassion I could ever show. She kept my heart and mind haunted by her, everything about her. Missing her was my habit. Loving her was the only thing I'm living for. I never let a chance to pass without telling her how much I love her, how much I miss her, how much I wish to see her, and that just talking to her wasn't enough for me. I would have done anything just to be with her in every minute of her life. I needed her to start living my life. And I kept being beside her. I kept on proving to her all of my true sincere feelings.


But lately, she has been strange. Like she loves me less now. She used to fight for me more. She did more for me before than she does now. I know she has been busy with her own life. I know that for now, each one of us has his own life, we're not sharing our lives yet. And I know we both love each other so much. But I don't know, I keep doubting her feelings for me. Even though every time that I ask her, she proves me wrong, by words! And I believed her. I kept on believing her. But I believe more in acts than in words. And she knows this! I've been trusting her love to the max. I've been believing the words although her acts were proving otherwise. I kept on appreciating. I kept on loving unconditionally. She has always been asking for a total belief in her words. She needed me to trust her. And I did as much as I could. 


I only needed one act to prove the words right. One act of her showing love more than I do. I needed to be felt and loved deeply. I needed to know her love is there and let it recharge my passion. I kept waiting for this act for so long that I couldn't keep on any more. My motive to love unconditionally began to grow less. I didn't appreciate this time.


On that day, I couldn't handle the feeling of being ignored by her. I couldn't handle the feeling of being the only one who appreciates. I wanted her to care enough. And she didn't. And that was it. That was when It was proved that her words she kept deceiving me with, the words she kept me blindly believing, are totally wrong. I faced her with this fact. That she doesn't love me as I do truly love her. And, as expected, she didn't act. She never acts! Just words I have to believe and that's it. 


Enough is enough. Let her learn the responsibility of the feelings she says she has for me!"


She, again, says:
"Maybe, he's right. Maybe I don't love him this much. Maybe not as I used to. But hell no. If I don't love him, then why do I still badly need him in my life. Yes, I needed him less lately. But I never needed his love less. His love to me is like the air I breathe. How can I not need air? Doesn't he know this? I believe he knows. I trust him when he tells me that he'll never leave me ever again. I trust his love to surround me wherever I go. That's why it hurts so much when he doubts my love. And he leaves me with thinking, is he right? He makes me go over and assess my acts. I find myself guilty, yes I know. But when questioning my deep emotions, my heart, I find it overwhelmed by love of him! No, he is not right.


Yes, maybe I didn't value that perfect relation I had. Maybe I took it for granted. Maybe I took his love for granted. But not every being taken for granted is bad, sometimes it means that you have become a comfortable, trusted element in someone else's life. I trusted his love too much that I thought he trusted mine as much. I forgot that he's someone who doesn't believe in believing. He's someone who needs acts to support words. And my acts recently have been not that expressing. And it's all because I wanted to preserve a something for me, something to satisfy me, not him, in this relation.


Now, does he has the right not to trust me?"


And he says:
"But I deeply love her. I don't want her to start worrying. She has her life to live, and I want her to live it normally, live it as she likes. I don't want to control her. I'm there to love her. I only needed her to love me back. Although I'm in a deep need to set rules, rules that will keep my dignity.


Now nothing I can do, except giving her a chance to prove me wrong. I'll keep my distance, till she acts. I'll stay acting as I act. I'll only keep my love to myself. I'm done with showing unconditioned love. Not that I can control it but I'm really honest with my feelings and I can't give any now.


Let her act!"


She says:
"He's acting normal, like nothing is there. But I know I can't breathe. It's his love not around me. Does he think I wouldn't recognize? Does he think I would survive?


I'm waiting him to give my life back to me. I'm waiting for his love to come back. Only then I can tell him again and again that I love him so much. He has to know that I'm not breathing. 


Am I selfish?


I think I've got to call him. I've got to act to breathe again, to get my air back."




They never stop telling, nor will they ever...