Back to the future

One day I was sitting in the garden alone enjoying my time, listening to music and watching people as they walk and talk. Then out of no where I got distracted by a girl who came to sit beside me and kept looking at me as if she's waiting for me to speak with her. She was a very beautiful, pure and innocent young girl; somehow her look reminded me of myself many years ago. So I asked how she is and tried to start a conversation.

Me: How do you do?

Girl: I'm fine, what about you?

Me: I'm great too, thank God.

[A short pause]

Girl: What is that? [Pointing at my laptop]

Me: That's my net-book. Do you know what a net-book is?

Girl: Yes I do! [Hesitantly she said that!]

Me: Great, it's my mini mini computer.

Girl: A computer, yes. :) That's very small indeed! Sorry, but it's my first time to see such a thing. 

Me: Oh, that's why then! :) Take it, have a look.

[She just looked at it for a while trying to discover without touching it.]

Girl: What are you doing on it, right now?

Me: Reading a book and listening to music.

Girl: Oh, that's very cool. You are a student? How old are you?

Me: I'm 21, just last February, and yes I'm still a student at my senior year at college.

Girl: That feels nice. :):)

Me: How nice, you think? And how old are you too?

Girl: I'm 13, last February too.

Me: Oh, how great, and how young!

Girl: And what college are you at?

Me: Faculty of Engineering, Computer department.

Girl [looking kind of puzzled]: Is it good?

Me: pretty much yes. But sometimes I feel that it doesn't fit.

[She took some time trying to understand my last statement that was said in a pretty low voice.]

Me: And what grade are you at now?

Girl: Third preparatory.

Me [puzzled]: Shouldn't you be at a lower grade now according to your age?

Girl: Really? I don't know, my parents tell me that somehow I skipped a year.

Me: That's cool. The same happened with me too. This will always make you feel younger and that's a nice feeling.

Girl: Great then.

[Then came a somehow long silence. We both started watching the few people with us in the same garden talking or walking together. And I was starting to feel uncomfortable with her presence, she was too wired for a stranger in her age to talk with me like this, I just wished she stands up, says bye and leave.]

Me [breaking the silence]: Where's your mother?

Girl: Oh, hmm, she's somewhere over there. But never mind about her, do you have a car? I think you should.

Me: Ohh, what a question! Yes I do, I have a lovely little blue car, it's as I've always dreamed.

Girl:  :) Yes I can tell.
Tell me about your friends.

Me: My friends? Well, tell you the truth, they are not so many, but I have a few who are really close to me and I just love hanging out with them.

Girl: yeah, that's good.

Girl: Back to your college, what grades do you get every year? I bet you always get an A.

Me: Oh no, not at all. You're so positive. I just do my best so as not to fail!

Girl [sadly she said]: Really?? How is that?

Me: Well, college isn't as I thought it would be, it's much more harder, or I don't know maybe I have changed and maybe this is not anywhere I fit to be at. If I knew it back then, I would have chosen something else.

Girl [very astonished]: Really? Good that you told me this. And what would you have chosen?

Me: How good, I don't understand you.

Girl [looking kind of disappointed]: Never mind what I say. [And she looked the other way!]

Me: You're a little wired, you know! What are you doing here in the garden anyway, don't you have any friends?

Girl: Nothing I'm just hanging around and no I have no friends here.

[I got nothing to say, but I didn't want her to leave anymore. I needed to understand who this girl is!]

Me: So tell me, what's your dream job? When you get older, what would you like to be?

Girl: An Engineer I guess, as my Dad is. But now after listening to what you have said, I don't know I got confused!

Me:  Oh no, I'm sorry I did that to you. I didn't mean it. Don't let my talk about my study disturb you. If you really love to study engineering in order to become an engineer then you have to do so. Besides engineering is really amazing, I truly love it so much; it's just me who didn't know how to make her way right through it. And also don't you worry, you still have many years to think and decide about this. But here's one advice you should know, don't you ever choose unless you're completely sure it's what your heart desires, and once you take a choice do your best to be the best where you are because in the end that's only what matters.

Girl [smiling widely like she's happy by what she has just heard]: I like how you sound, thank you for your advice, I'll need it!

Me: You're welcome sweetie. :)

Girl: you didn't tell me, what else would you have chosen other than engineering?

Me: It's just that I should have studied all the other options I've been opened to when the time to choose was there. At a point I should have listened to my mother. And at another I should have listened to the voices within me!

Girl: hmm, then I'll make sure I make this when it comes to my choice.

Me: yes sure you will! :)

Girl: Can I just ask you a silly but a very important question?

Me: yes off course, go ahead.

Girl: Are you happy? Satisfied with your life?

Me: hmm, well yes I'm happy. My life is kind of great and I have and I do everything I want to. But I'm not 100% satisfied, not even close. But honestly I think nobody is, and nobody will ever be.

Girl: yeah, I kind of agree with you. Anyways I wish you happiness.

Me: that's sweet. Thank you honey, I wish you happiness too. :)

Girl: Now I have to go, it has been really nice talking and meeting you.

Me: So soon? I loved our little chat. But wait a minute, you didn't tell me your name.

Girl: Can I tell you something before I leave? [She ignored my question!]

Me: yes please do.

Girl: Your look and style is so nice, kind of like how I thought it would be. You're just a little clumsier than how I wanted.

Me [angry]: WHAT is that? "Like how you thought"? Do you know me in any kind of ways?!!!!

Girl: My name is Salma and I'm the 13 years old YOU. I'm wondering, frustrated actually, how you couldn't recognize me!

[I was in a state of shock, unable to speak!]

Girl: Now what? I saw this coming. Don't worry I'm just from your imagination and I'm leaving now. You'll just wake up from this daydream and find out that everything is great.

Me [trying to understand]: I think I understand now why…

Girl [Now she stood up facing me]: let me tell you my advices to you just before I leave. Be on a diet and lose some weight I think we'll be much prettier. You seem to know more what our dream really is, find it and go for it. Don't regret a thing, because I think I'm happy and all your past years are happy too. I'm proud of you as I think you made it. You truly did, just keep on going. And please you deserve to be much happier, do what's right and amaze yourself. For once in our life, please be satisfied! :) I'll be around, all your past years including me; we'll be supporting you and watching you while you make your way through.
Be happy. Goodbye.

The girl walked away and I kept watching her as she leaves till she faded away. And I stayed in that shock state for a while till I finally figured it out, wore a huge smile on my face, jumped up and packed all my things, ran directly to my car and I just knew what I have got to do. Thanks to my 13 years old me!

Mixed up

Forgotten

Something is wrong. Something isn't in its right place. Something is lost. Something is forgotten. Something is definition-less. It's like it has been a phase in life that has ended suddenly and another total different phase has started at once. It's like I badly want to go back to that phase that has ended although I'm now back to an older phase that I had thought I had quitted long ago. Shifting between two phases is the case; I really wonder why can't I maintain both phases at a time? Because missing my life a couple of months earlier doesn't mean that I hate how things are going right now, but it's because both are good to have and great to live simultaneously. 

I can no longer remember what I used to do and how I do it. I wish I could remember easily so that I could define that thing that has been lost through the days and maybe I could retrieve it and put it in its right place once again. I just can't remember nor have that will again, besides I don't want to skip the life I'm living right now. Can't I just have both lives, both phases?

A mess

And the reason why I can't remember is because I'm so distracted by a lot of things. There's so much going on in life, too much to do and I don't get but to miss on some things. I'm feeling the state of mess, an indescribable state that comes to stress and worry me. I'm too tired and I don't have the time to think, feel and act, to actually do these three together. But I shouldn't let it win, I should challenge it instead. I should know how to organize the mess and find my way out of this state. It's a state that I have been living for a while now, let's say a week. And that week has just passed so quickly, same as I expect for my next weeks. 

I'll be living for the sake of now on the coming next weeks. I sincerely can't imagine how they will pass, thinking they would be the hardest days ever to live. It's just that everything is going to happen on the coming months, everything that I care about, everything that I have to do and work hard for, everything that just has to happen. And so I just don't think I'm going to have time to think or consider what is going to happen next in my life, like my life is going to end after these coming couple of months.

A scene from the future

So maybe now that I'm thinking about it, then I should stop and look for the big picture, imagine it and draw it. But here's what I get when I think of my dream, the how-I-see-myself-in-10-years vision, I get nothing but an outline, maybe just a scene where I'm happy and satisfied with how my life goes, a scene where I do the things my heart has always dreamed of doing. I know who I want to be, but it's just a figure with no details; I haven't got the map to where I want to go, but I can see how the place looks like. That reminds me of something, 10 years ago I used to have these same fickle visions and scenes about the person I should be today and fortunately I became the same person I used to see and think of, off course some things are not exactly the same, but it's the same figure. You might now think that I have succeeded, but hell no I haven't. I'm thinking that maybe if I had a more clear vision about how I would be today I would have known exactly how to tell the difference. But never mind now, this is not what I came to say. I need to have a dream and stick to it, never let it go or let it down and do whatever I need to see it fulfilled. The easy part of this is that I know exactly what my dream is, at least its title, but that's all that I know. And the annoying part is that what I'll be doing on the coming weeks has nothing to do with what my dream has to offer. And that's why on the coming weeks I'll only have the ability to focus on the time being, on the what-I-should-be-doing-now and that's it. Now that will always make me feel worried about something or that I'm living with no aim at all. That's why I'm just going to pass the time that I'll be living the coming days till it's over, till I feel that I'm free of everything except thinking and considering what should I do next.

Dance in the rain

The past statement is a completely wrong motto to live with. Yes I'm aware of this. One should use every minute he lives for the sake of his dream, his bigger picture. There's no moment that's to pass with no aim or no effect at all. Every minute of life, every act you do counts to you, to your future and to the people around you. So you can't just be living with the state of mind that you're just passing the time, pausing life, as you're waiting for something to happen when only then you think your life will begin. This isn't the way life works. It's as this quote says "Life's not about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." You can't just wait for the storm to pass, what if it never had, what if you died before it does? It's unreasonable to waste the time waiting until the storm passes; this is inefficient and useless too. So you've got to do it even if it's raining, and to do it right while it's actually raining then you have to be dancing, don't you? And I think it's actually pretty easy, it's just switching your mind state from waiting the storm to pass to step outside and dance in the rain. It's a one step move that could change your whole life, at least how you perceive your life.

Challenge

There's something else that I have been opened to by the same way I've been opened to the previous quote mentioned. It is "Winning in here means winning out there." If I could do it now, then I absolutely will know how to do it later. If I tried now then I'll sure know how to succeed later. Maybe this should be my motto, my reason of how I'm going to pass the coming days; I'll test myself, challenge it and let it amaze me. I'm setting my mind's state to be open to the coming experience; I'll do all that I could do just to see how much I could actually do. I'm setting myself to a test and I'm training myself on the dance in the rain. It's going to be hard, one of the hardest times to live, that's the same as I was thinking up there in the beginning of this post, but now it's with a different attitude, now it's worth it, now I have a hidden reason for myself for why I do what I do. And I'm going to have many down moments, but at every down moment I'll just remember the words, maybe read this post, and I'll know how to keep my self running. Never had I thought of how much important is the why-I-do-this as I do it, but it truly changes everything.

I will start something and let it last for long, make a promise and keep it till the end, take a challenge and beat it up. Challenges, I dare you!

Action, Reaction and Expectation

Let's talk about this whole process of actions and reactions. I wonder if there's a model for this process to judge upon. But here's how I see it.

Yep, I'm an engineer!

You do an action, that's the input. Then something happens according to this action, something that you have no control upon. But before you input the action you also set an expectation for what the action would lead to. The result of this process is the reaction, the output. Then this output, the reaction, is fed-back to be compared with the expectation, if it's validated then the process is announced successful, if it's not then the process has failed and needs to be repeated. Simple it is like anything else in the world!


I don't know why have I said what I have just said, but action, reaction and expectation are three words those have been taking a huge portion of my thinking lately.


Expect another post explaining more about these three words! 

Silence

There was something that bothered him. And he couldn't let it go easily. So when the time has come for them to meet he kept a silence. He only asked one question for which he got an answer, a non satisfying answer it was but he listened to it and stayed silent. And she knew there was something wrong. She expected him to be not okay, she just couldn't guess what would his reaction be. She knew he could blame her for what happened, ask for a justification and try to set some rules so as to avoid this happening again. But she truly didn't want any of this to happen, she wished he would be someone else and not to do as she expected. But somethings never change, never totally disappear, they may fade away a little, diminish a little, but they are always there even if just a few. So, it was as just as she expected, he was mad and not dealing as he usually does and she was unable to get him out of this as she never knew how to.

And here came the silence, the bothering silence, the meaningless silence, the silence waiting to be broken and the hardest silence to break. He kept silent because he wanted to say that he was mad, and she kept silent because she refused and objected his madness. She waited him to break the silence and so stop this ridiculous madness, and he wanted her to break the silence and say something that relieves and satisfies his madness, but none was done. And so the silence was never broken easily. He was thinking that he truly need to break the silence because this is not what he came for, not to stay silent, still he didn't know how, he couldn't get over his madness. And she was thinking: "if he's that mad why did he came at the first place? How I wish I could just step up and leave this awkward moments. But I can't because I'm not leaving him first, this is not what I came for, besides if he wanted to leave, he'll say, and only then I'll let him leave."

Who would win this time was something that neither of them thought about, but I did. Somehow I wanted him to change and I wanted her silence to win. Still I needed her to know how to not let this silence take any place between them. But sometimes it's not what I see that's right, sometimes the perfection lies in the imperfect. It's how it went how it best goes. Yes it's not what either of them wanted, but it's how perfectly fits them both.

And a matter of fact, he changed and her silence won. At the same time, she exactly knew how to cut the silence short. She broke the silence, but he was who relieved his madness. She made clear that she wanted to break the silence, yet she gave him the time. He did too made clear that it wasn't silence that he came for, yet he didn't let it go and pass easily. He did it his way, yet a little more tenderly. And she held on to her own voice, apologized and listened to him till the end.

Yes, they were very awkward moments of silence. Yes, nothing seemed to change very much and nothing will ever change. And yes, they were devastating and worrying moments. But there was something different about it, like this time they were both keen on not to let it go much deeper, specially him. He managed to keep his soft touch. And she managed to listen carefully, apologize, admit and set the rules for herself this time.

And so I say, somethings do change when we need them too. Even if they never physically change, it's how we take and see them that changes. We manage to carry on, only if we truly wanted to. And experience is always the best teacher.

Scars. Or let's say a wrong condition.

I had many, so many thoughts to speak about. Then something happened blocked every thought I was having. Things like these always happen to blow my mood off, then things get back to normal again waiting me to go normal back too. But I never do; it's never this easy!

I wonder how they manage it. How they manage to scream at one another this loud and carry this much hatred and frustration from one another and then, just after few minutes, they talk again normally like they never said anything that hurt any of them! Maybe it's their way to apologize. But I don't truly feel that they forgive each other this way, or even do they forget! Maybe it's just because life has to go on whether they, or anyone else, liked it or not. Maybe it's because they have to communicate eventually. But still there are so many deep, huge and dreadful scars that resulted due to all these unsolved issues. And these scars don't only hurt those who are cut, they hurt everyone who was there watching the cut too. And those who are hurt always tend to hurt and cut others, usually those who watched them getting hurt. It's a kind of putting the blame on others. It's a kind of trying to look strong enough hiding all the scars deep down.

And I wonder too how do they ever manage to move on and ignore all these scars. How could they easily switch back to being normal in such a very small time? Thinking about it right now makes me feel how strong they truly are. You might say they are unwise because they don't resolve the problems they face. But it's how they have been holding on for so long and how they are still willing to hold on for more. Specially her, she's always the one who starts to lighten up the air, she's one who masters the act of hiding her scars perfectly and she's the one who holds the most scars ever. Even though sometimes I disagree with her, I treat her badly, not the way she deserves to, and think that she's the one who has put herself in that place in the first place, but I always, specially now, regret all this and feel like I truly have hurt her too by the way I thought of her and treated her accordingly. You know what I feel right now? I feel like I miss her so much and that it's been too long since I last felt her, talked with her and actually understood her feelings and appreciated her thoughts. She truly does deserve an award of greatness. But I can never say sorry or set it right again, I'm not used to do so. My stupid ego once again.

Then despite all of these thoughts in my head right now. They never leave my head. Like these are the most sacred thoughts that my mind hold in a vault and never reveal them. And then too these thoughts never pass the phase of just being thoughts, they never enter that phase where thoughts are processed and translated into actions, actions that set things straight. Though I learn to become a woman of act, I learn how to set things perfectly right, but not this act, not these thoughts, not these things. I hate it when I feel so helpless, or that I can't do anything especially after that they did all by coming back to normal. It's like it's not a wrong condition, like it's something so normal, like it isn't a problem at all. And how could I consider it so, when they themselves never admit that it's a problem and a wrong condition that should be set right. Maybe they have their reasons, maybe this's the way they agreed on resolving, maybe because when they thought about it they found it better be a leftover. And I trust them, or maybe I just have nothing to do to resolve.

But I wish one day God gives me the chance and the way to do things that please them, things that could somehow heal the wounds, the scars, or set what's wrong right. And only then I could say I knew how to let go my stupid ego.

Music of my heart

"Music is like a drug. It goes through your veins and straight to your heart. It can make you laugh, cry, smile & think."

                                 

Sitting here alone listening to music, enjoying the cool breeze that hits my cheeks and flies my scarf on my face and looking at you as you're sitting there on the other side with your friends, maybe happy or maybe looking at me too. And so I feel a tear asking me to roll down, a tear of happiness, a tear of enjoyment, maybe, but it's a tear that should have no place in my eyes; I wonder why it asks me to come out. It's the wonderful mood I'm having right now that makes this tear wonder in my eye and it's also this wonderful mood I'm in now that lets my decline my tear's request to roll down.

Here I catch you looking at me and smiling, and I smile back. And now my favorite songs are being played. Yes, I'm sitting alone but I'm enjoying the most. And you're there at the other side, even if you're very far but I know you're there. I'm supposed to be waiting for some work to be discussed. But please no! Work, don't come now, I'm enjoying my momentary solitude. Now the tear has gone away and been replaced by a huge deep smile on my face that won't ever leave for a long while.

It's such an amazing feeling that I don't want to miss or let it end. And it's such an amazing music I'm listening to. The music of my heart!

A fantasy

I miss my dream. The fantasy I used to have, the dream I was living for. That thing that was keeping my life running with a reason. Somehow that's what I'm feeling.

But a little earlier I was feeling completely the opposite. I was so happy, I was living on a hope, hope that I'd do the things I long for one day. I was so happy and my day was fruitful, amusing and lovely. I was feeling the satisfaction that I actually could do all that I want to do. I wasn't remembering my fantasy and that thing I liked because that fantasy is just an illusion. But when I got detached from that dream, that turned out to be an illusion, I got detached from everything else concerning the dream. I truly couldn't recognize anymore, is it truly a dream that I should have? Or is it just a fantasy?

I wonder what are the dreams that do come true.

It's kind of confusing. I lost my dream or did I let it go? Or did it turn into reality already? It's because I'm missing my dream but I'm loving my reality and I don't feel like I need to keep dreaming anymore. Maybe because I just got sick of dreaming and nothing else. Though my dream was the most beautiful thing in my life, I'm feeling exactly the same about my reality right now. Just because it's reality and not a dream, it still needs some additional features to become just like a dream. And that scenario is what I appeal to the most. That yes, my dream has already come true, but because true and real reality is never like a dream I got confused for a while trying to recognize the link. And for that I'm loving my reality more than my dream. At least reality gives me more hope and guarantees my next life.

Now that I figured out that I miss my dream because it's no longer a dream, it's a reality already. I lost the feeling of living for a reason because that's what dreams are all about. Then right now all that I have to do is to find another dream to dream, another reason to live for. And I think I know exactly what my dream next should be.

And I'm happy, amused, loving and loved.

مقتطفات من الحياة

When certain words remind you of certain people and you feel like you shouldn't listen to these words except from these certain people, then you think you miss them so much that you feel like calling them on the spot. Unfortunately you can't! Because they simply forgot all about those certain words.

When it has been ages since you last talked with your best friend and when you finally get the chance to talk and have all the conversations you have missed you never find anything to say or speak about. And just when you feel free to talk and speak your friend doesn't hear you or get distracted, so you decide to never tell them what you have wanted to say.

Though a part has been missed, it was just perfect.

Nothing ever changes; there are always things that you're missing. When one thing goes on well and perfect other things fade away and you get to miss them. Like you really can never have it all at the same time! You always have to make a compromise and you always have to be pleased and satisfied with it too.

And at the end of the day you have to feel the gratitude of all the good and perfect things going on with your life and let go the things you feel like you missed because you chose to miss them for you had other things much better and greater, as you thought and chose.

You got what you asked for, you got what you like, you got what you thought you had to get and you're truly happy. Then now, what is it that you feel? What is standing in between?! Why is it not enough to make you sleep with a smile on your face? There's something that burdens your heart, like a delayed task or a responsibility that weighs on your shoulders and you need to know how will you ever put it down. And the fact that it has been so long since you learned or knew anything new about that part of your life that has one of your major dreams is actually irritating.

But again I have to say, it's a compromise that you have to make. And I'm pleased by how I compromised.

And despite all, I loved my day today so much and I truly do not regret a minute of it starting with that very special cup of coffee I had and ending with that very delicious and breathtaking pizza.

Thank you today, I truly love you. And tomorrow, I promise you I'll be much more happy and loving you for always.

And yes, I'm sleeping with a very huge smile on my face as I let go all my worries about that I think I've missed and I'll keep only the perfect moments that I'm grateful for living them today.

Good night, Sweet dreams :) 

Ants know it better

A Conversation between an ant and a 10 year old boy:

Ant: So, is this city of yours like a nest to us?

Boy: yeah, sort of.

Ant: And are you all like brothers working together for the greatness of the colony?

Boy: Not exactly, it's more of everyone works for himself.

Ant: But that's so primitive, how things get done?

Boy: Well, some people work together…...

Ant: Some??!! Why not all?!

Boy: I don't know, I think it's because of the differences.

Ant: But the differences are what make us all complete. The workers, the soldiers, the scientists, the engineers, the doctors, the nurses….They are all different, but they all work together for the greatness of each one of them, for the greatness of the whole.

Inspired and taken from the movie: "The Ant Bully"

http://humor.about.com/od/movies/a/ant_bully_movie.htm

Precious thoughts

You could only see your true friend once a year, but when you meet your true friend, it's as if you haven't ever left each other.


Sometimes we live on the memories, hoping they could come back and all we do is going through them again and again inside our minds preventing our lives to move on in a healthy way. Sometimes we live for the dreams, hoping we could achieve them one day and all we do is dreaming more and more and working hard only for these dreams and nothing else. And sometimes we just live and let our lives pass by...

I think 'perfect' is the only word that can't come after more or less, it can't be compared. It's either perfect or not perfect, can't be in between. And It's never perfect!

There are moments when I impress myself, and others when I depress myself. The weird connection is that the time difference between both is very small. And the depression always precedes the impression.

Your life is your closest friend, the friend who's always with you and specially when everyone else steps outside. So, don't let your life feel bad, make it glad that it's your life, your closest friend.

Feelings everywhere. Feelings that I can't share, and feelings that I can't hide. Feelings that I long to have and speak about and feelings that I wish I never had to feel. Feelings that I sense, but can't really feel. Feelings that aren't mine, but I smile knowing they are real. And feelings that can't be defined but describing them is another feeling. They are feelings of passion and hope; feelings of frustration and regret!

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."

If you don't face your problems, then your problems will face you. So it's up to you to decide whether you like to attack and win or step back and defend.

It doesn't matter how much people are around you; as long as you feel alone, you'll stay alone.

It doesn't matter how much you want to do something; as long as you are not doing it, no one will know.

Could the ghost of the one you hate the most to become alike haunts you all the time? And exactly why do I hate to become like this ghost that is haunting me?

When I say ghost, it's not necessarily to be someone who died. It could be someone who's still living but I don't see anymore, or it could just be an imaginary friend who's not welcomed to be.

If I only knew then... I would have chosen a total different path. However, it's never too late to start your desired path Today! But just after seconds of thinking, I found that I couldn't have known what my desired path is except when I went through this path I'm on right now. It just feels like I have wasted too much time. But I believe nothing is wasted, as everything was preplanned for and everything happens in my life for a reason that I need the most.

The most important is that you take actions and decisions; and everything else will be set  according to the actions you did. So, whatever happens, Choose and don't let yourself be taken by a choice!

"If you want me so much, first I have to know. Are you thoughtful and kind? Do you care what's on my mind?"

 'A wish is a weak desire'. So, I desire not to say I wish again! Because everything I wish for is actually applicable to become true, so let's plan making it come true, not just wish for it!

Amazing people are all around you, all of them wanting the best for you, truly. But you still feel unable to stand up and face life. You are waiting them to help you, although they already did by every way they could.

Well, it doesn't really matter how amazing are the people around you if you don't choose to be amazing. This privilege only made it easier for you to become amazing too; the privilege of living among amazing and great people.

You have no excuses. The responsibility is yours to choose the right path. There's nothing else to wait for, because now you have got everything you need to have to start standing out and shining. 

Whenever someone tells me: "Now that you know this, you carry the responsibility." I think why did I ever come today to listen to this?!! 

I love doing the things I used to do a couple of years ago, the things that I don't recently do. It makes me feel happy, because it reminds me of my old self, myself a couple of years ago, and more than a couple as well. I don't know if it's because I used to love who I was, or is it because I hate who I am right now. But I'm sure it's because doing things that you love doing, whether you used to do it long time ago or you do it regularly, makes you feel happy.

It's funny how people hurt each other unintentionally. It's funny how hurt people can hurt each other.

Sometimes the hard way out is the easiest way to take. Sometimes you find yourself in a critical situation that you have to choose the quickest way, naturally the hardest too, or else you'll be lost. 

"You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

A peaceful smile :)

Yaaaaaaaaaaaay, I'm 21! It feels good. I feel like a grown up. A true young lady, maybe!

I came to a decision. I've let go what's an illusion for what's real. Maybe because I figured out it really is an illusion and not a dream. And maybe because the reality was too strong to be real.

I'm satisfied by my reality.

I'm happy!

Today was perfect, weird and unpredictable. I enjoyed it still!

I practice speaking with a loud voice. Do you think I could manage this?

Well, tell you the truth, I'm going to face a fight. It won't be easy! But Life isn't about staying safe and secure. Life is about fighting for your dreams. And somehow for some reason dreams don't come easy, or else they wouldn't have been dreams. 

Yes, I believe it's a dream that I have.

No, it's not a dream. It's a beautiful reality I'm living and willing to have it right and beautiful like this for the rest of my life.

I'm thinking I don't have to post this. But why don't I??

I'm happy. I said that before, didn't I?

I'm worried! How weird am I!

I've got work to do. Time flies fast.

I love that I feel busy and that my days are long.

My life seems stable and great.

There's someone I'm missing, but somehow I can feel his presence around.

This time it has to work. This time I won't let it fail. That's a huge responsibility.

Yes, it's huge! In a happy way.

I hope this is not another illusion. I hope it's true. I hope it never last. I hope everything else going on with my life be as great as this.

‎"You can have it all. Just not all at once." -Oprah Winfrey

And I'll keep my smile. And I'll keep it right and straight.

Good night and Sweet Dreams :)

A shift and a change

Sometimes you don't understand, is it the sky you're flying through? Or, is it the sea you're drowning in?!

I've been through the most strange and weird thing I've ever seen till now in personal relationships. Over a night, my feelings changed 180 degrees, a total shift. It was like I woke up one day hating instead of loving as I used to.

Feeling strange and wondering how could feelings change tremendously like this over a night, I kept asking myself and searching in my memory for one reason, a reason that I could say  yes that's why I've changed, but I found nothing. Like as much as I try to search and go back by my memory as much as I find it blank and erased. Trying to figure out is it possible or hasn't it been over a night? But nothing I could find. I tried even to re-feel the feelings I used to feel, still nothing stimulates my feelings to change back. I started to feel like a reckless young girl who goes by as she feels and has no responsibility over any of that she feels.

Then I thought maybe that's it, that's how it's meant to be and I have to respond and accept. I felt happy for being strong and knowing what I want strongly this way. I asked God to keep me strong. And I did I was so strong that I was truly amazed, astonished actually, by how strong I was. Though all the attempts to change my feelings back to fall again, I didn't and I stayed as I am, forgetting. I was asked to forgive and give second chances, but it really was beyond forgiving. Forgiving is something that I usually do. I'm not the kind of persons to be asked to forgive because I forgive without asking. It was like there's nothing wrong that happened that I should forgive and let go. It was simply how I felt, rejection, never understanding why.

Trying to put a reason for how I've changed, I thought I have lost trust. And trying to put a reason for losing trust, I said it was because of all the hurt in my heart, scars in my heart that have been reopened and deepened many times before. And as my heart gets cut as I forgive and ignore. And I kept ignoring my hurts and I kept being strong and holding on. But my heart kept taking more than it could hold. And I still kept ignoring and holding onto the knife. Till my heart couldn't take it anymore that it decided to take the lead. My heart needed to heal itself up. And as much as it waited for me to heal my heart as much as it never found me taking an action. So, it simply took over me and over my feelings and it overwhelmed me by these feelings of repletion, denial and hatred. It made me reject and throw away the knife. And I did, never understanding why I did. Never thinking I was hurting myself.

And my heart felt strong and right once again. My heart became happy and healing. But my mind was very confused. Things weren't going as my mind was programmed. Things were trying to get in and confuse my mind more and more. But my heart was strong trying to heal itself and take it's time. And as my heart began to heal as my mind began to think much better. And I started to figure out all that was going on. I started to understand where I'm and where I want to be. I started to understand my heart better and better.

And now that my heart is healed, not totally maybe but at least it could love again now, and that my mind learned to listen carefully to my heart and give it the lead sometimes, I can say that I'm back. My feelings are re-changed, they are not the same as they were before, nothing comes back exactly how it was, but they have re-changed to be more mature, clear and strong. And I just love how they have re-changed.

By the way, the re-change in feelings has also come over a night! But maybe because this time I understand more why I have changed and then re-changed again, maybe because I now believe in my heart and mind to work well together, I don't feel it a strange shift in feelings, I see it as a natural beautiful change. Yes, I'm afraid; I'm taking a risk as I always did before. But there's one rule that I will always seek to retain: To be right and honest with yourself, your heart, first then with others.

I don't regret a feeling I felt. I'm actually grateful for what has this weird and un-understandable experience gave me. Thanks heart. I believe in you now more than ever. 

"The heart has reasons that reason cannot reason."