A State to live...

Here's a story to follow. A story that has no end yet. The story of how she has been taken by the thought of him...

Here's when she first recognized. The Obsession.

The phase that is just before falling in love, the phase where she likes him alot, the phase whenever anyone mentions his name, she just blushes, and whenever she gets the chance to start talking about him, no one can stop her!

It's breath taking. Her heart skips a beat every time she sees him, or whenever his name is mentioned!

All her dreams become represented in one person, in him. Every song, quote or movie just seems to fit him the most!

Then she becomes obsessed. She starts watching him every time he speaks, walks, or even smiles... She starts doing everything she can to get his attention. But at the same time, she does everything she can to get her obsession out of his way. She's avoiding him, she wouldn't like it if he knew how obsessed she is!

She starts translating every word, every act he does, just to fit her wonderful imagination. She starts making excuses and stories about why he's not talking to her as much as she wishes. She might say that he's avoiding her as well, because he also has some crush towards her!!
Now, that's totally insane!

And every other girl who talks about him, to him, or just get in his way, is a total threat to her; she's totally her enemy!
He's the man of her dreams, and no one likes sharing dreams, especially when they come to reality. She'll be the luckiest, this girl who would captivate his heart.
Now she really wishes it's her!

Only then she starts thinking if only she could know how he feels about her, then she would be relieved! Like she'll eventually stop thinking about all of this.
Well it's nonsense, she wouldn't be relieved except if he said that he likes her too!!

It's over Now, she's on the edge falling in LOVE!

All these feelings makes her feel like a sweet little teenage girl who's having her first crush. How beautiful are those feelings, how happy they make her... =)

She's flying without wings, she's happy, satisfied, free, cheerful, wonderful, amazing, and energetic. She feel like dancing and singing all the time.
And she thinks she can't figure why!!
But not true, she knows why. She just doesn't like admitting it, specially to others; it's enough admitting it to herself!

It's the most beautiful, when during this first stage of love it's not a single side love, it's a love from both sides, maybe a hidden love story. It would be the most perfect, when she hides her love deeply from him, then suddenly she discovers that she's loved back with the exact same extent, and maybe more, by the exact same person, by him!

Love is so mysterious, so weird, so unique. It doesn't matter how much she's loved, it only matters how much she loves. Because she always seeks the attention of the person she loves, of him. Whenever she does anything that all the people appreciate her for it, it's not pleasing as much as when he appreciates it. She doesn't feel beautiful until he tells her so. And she always does whatever it takes to show him how much she loves him, even if there are many others who deserve her love more than him, she just can't give her love except only to him...

 But, she's still Obsessed:

It's not like a love from first sight. It's about being very impressed, being amazed and totally obsessed about someone.

Every time she sees him she gets even more obsessed. He's charming; he takes her soul away. Now she's over that phase of skipping a beat every time she sees him, now she's drown deep into his face as he speaks. She loses time and place whenever she's with him. Nothing seems to attract her more than his voice. He even looks more charming to her every time she sees him. She feels flattered when he smiles back at her, and when he addresses words only to her she's over the moon.

Remembering each detail of how it went keeps her smiling to herself till she get caught. Remembering every incident of being close to him makes her shiver. When it's all over she stays speechless; she keeps living the moments all over again inside her head. And when she's totally not aware of what's happening around, she finds herself whispering "Oh, how do I love him this much??!"

She acts as if she knows everything about him, and she really gets down if she found someone else (specially a her) who knows something about him that she didn't know. Or even if she found "her" knowing something she thought she was the only one who knew.
She always seeks to be his favorite, his favorite student if he is a teacher, his favorite employee if he is a boss, even his favorite friend if he is just a friend. She wishes to be his special, no matter who he is.

She wants to impress him by every act she does, every word she says. She wants to get all his attention towards her, only her. And after every thing she does or says, she keeps watching him attentively like she's trying to read his mind just to know how she has affected him and what he thinks of her at this exact moment. She could do anything just for the sake to know how he thinks of her, like she's dying to find out that he's impressed too. She would die to be his special. She envies the girl he'll fall for one day, the girl he'll choose to be his special. But at the end, she knows, it's not her call.

After all of this, she still convinces herself that this is not love, that she's just obsessed. She has just found the man of her dreams and she only wants to prove that the man of her dreams is someone real. She's amazed and impressed that she has found him for real and that she's that close to him. 

But is it reasonable to find the man of your dreams and let him go away? Is it reasonable to just get satisfied by the proof that he exists? Shouldn't you do whatever it takes to make your man of your dreams become your reality? 

If only she gets the chance...

Maybe it's true. Maybe it's not love, it's just an obsession. I believe this could happen. But despite all of this, she's still sure that if she gets the chance she'll fall deeply, deeply for him.

But, maybe there's another motive for love that has to be found, another reason to keep the love going, for being obsessed is never enough. It's just a beautiful state to live for some moments. A beautiful dream. But never more!

 One day she was really missing him, so she wrote about it and said:
If I told you I miss you, would you come
and talk with me like you always do?
And why do I still miss you even though
I know to care is to show
just if you wanted to?

But, I know nothing about you
that scars me a lot
for it makes me wonder
how far you really are
but to my heart you're closer

Yes, I know nothing about you
and maybe when I do
I'd just long for you more
but also I may think how naive I sour.

Whatever the possibility
I'm happy to take the risk
for you're the dream
I'm longing to live.

I miss you when it's good
and I miss you when it's bad.

I think thanking you is never enough
and I owe you every good.

So, whenever I find something good
there's no one but you who I wish to run to.
And every time I felt bad,
you are the perfect one to have.

So, how can I not miss you!

It's hard to feel things
I can never reveal,
when all I wish for is 
to give you a thank you note
and tell you how much I thought.

Then, what can I do to make you realize
how much I always long to break the ice.
And spent nights of talks with you
rather than just dream of you.

You're everyone's dream
but you'll always be my special dream...
you are my dream I'm never giving up
you are my dream that makes my day...

You're the one who made see brightly
although I was driven blindly.

You're the one who was my inspiration
to what others thought was my best.

You're the one who can leave me
smiling and giggling from deep inside

You're the one who just knows
how happily let others be.

And I'll be waiting for you
to make my perfect dream a reality.

So don't you be late,
for I'm not settling for a less rate.

And one day she had this weird dream:
Suddenly, she grabs his hand strongly and she takes him away to a place where there's no one else. 
There they are on the sand at night with a fading light that's coming from far above, a fading sound of music that they barely could follow and a strong sound of waves crashing the shore softly and crashing the rocks out there roughly. She has taken him to where she has always wished he takes her.

Now she leaves his hand and keeps looking around. And he is speechless, he doesn't know what to say, or even what to think. He never expected her this way, and yes she is feeling a little astonished of what she has just done. And a silent conversation between their eyes starts. He's telling her how crazy she is. She replies by how crazy she really is when it comes to him. He thanks her for her bravery. And she replies that someone has had to take the step. He keeps asking what should he do. And just now does her eyes become silent. But she smiles and keeps on smiling and he keeps on staring.

She then breaks the silence by saying: "I just love this music!". He replies: "Should this be the sign?"
And she holds his hand once more. Only now he knows what he has to do. He asks her to dance and she happily agrees. They dance and dance to the music of their hearts. They never wish to stop and their eyes keeps talking. He tells her how beautiful she looks, how he wasted all that time without her and how he's grateful now that he's finally around her. And she says that she doesn't care how much time has been wasted as long as he promises her to never leave her again. And they keep floating, dancing, smiling and talking in silence. And her heart skips a beat that his heart beats it for her. They feel like they lost time and place. They wish this moment never ends. And they keep on dancing.

But suddenly again. She stops. She walks away. And she runs into the sand, happily.
He follows her, getting shocked and worried. What went wrong again? He's wondering.
But nothing has went wrong. Everything is falling into place. She comes back to him. She grabs his hands once more and asks him to run. She laughs loudly like a young girl living the happiest life. So he smiles back. And he walks with her, watching her playing and spinning around. He's happy for how happy she is. He wishes she never lose that smile as she did before. And he promises her silently that he'll do whatever it takes so that she keeps that laugh.

Then she lies down on the sand, looks up to the stars and ask him to lay down and look up. So he does. They both looked up together. And she starts to wish on the wishing stars, that her life could just end up here and happily like now she lives forever. She wishes he stays forever just beside her. Then the silence is broken once again, this time it's him. He asks her if she would like to know the story of each star. Once again she happily agrees. For it's one of her dreams to listen to him telling stories only for her. And he starts telling. And she listens. And the sea roars softly, the music gets louder and the light is no longer needed as the stars above have shown them the way. And their love starts shining all around them. They were just in another world, the most beautiful world. Until she figured it all out....This was just another dream.

But she's not giving up on her dream. She's not losing the hope. And her story is going still. As she'll forever be taken by the thought of him...

So just the next day, she thought of writing him a letter and maybe put it in a bottle and throw it into the sea hoping that he finds it on the other side.


I had to write you because there are many and many thoughts rushing in my head, only for you. And I'll go crazy if I hadn't had the chance to tell you, even if that's only in my fanciest world. I'm still obsessed, you know. My heart still skips that beat for you. Then my heart stays beating fast with happiness that I get scared it might stop right there. 
Yes I feel jealous when I see someone else is more attached to you than I am. And if I felt you care too for others just the same way you care for me, tears fill my eyes. And when I find others love you and appreciate you the same way I do, I get filled with fear. Fear that my love would get lost through all other people's love, fear that you might not know how much I appreciate you. 
Yes, I'm taken by the thought of you. Whenever  I'm mad and sad, I remember your words, I remember your sight, I remember your smile, and yes I'm happy again, I'm smiling once more. That quick shift from madness to happiness makes people around me wonder if I'm crazy or schizophrenic maybe. But it's you in my head around me all the time to save me from becoming mad and insane. 

Yes, I'm thanking you, I'm appreciating you, for just being a thought in my head. You're the best thought I could and would ever think of. You're why I want to succeed. You're why I'm keeping it up. You're the reason for every good in my life. Then, I can't but owe you every good in my life.

Yes, I'm so happy you talk to me. I'm so happy you're proud of me. I'm so happy I did something that pleased you. I'm so happy that I wish you to know how happy I am. You make me happy like no one can. There's that quote that says: "Talk with who makes you happy. But talk more with who can't be happy without you." If we just stick to this quote, then we'll find a reason for talking to each other and we'll end up talking to each other forever. Would you please take this quote??

And yes, I miss you. I miss you talking to me. I need that feeling that you wish to talk with me too. I need you to give me the space to be in your life. But, sadly I am to say that maybe you don't see me as the perfect one for you. I won't blame you. It's your feelings, it's not my call, and I have no control on that.

Nothing I could say to express how I truly feel except the words: "I love you, I miss you, and I wish you here beside me for always and forever."

So, I kept silent, preserving all the special moments we have together in memory, preserving the pure and special look you hold to me, preserving your pride and preserving my dignity. I kept the silence and kept keeping it till I think I lost all the talk with you. I no longer feel safe to talk with you. I no longer feel talking with you makes you happy. Although I never felt it did before. But now, I fear that it would annoy you and repel you away. Now, this thought makes my heart ache. I hope I'm wrong, would you please prove me wrong??

No, don't you go away now. Don't you get mad at me. All that I wish for, is that you be sure that you're everything I dreamed of. You're everything I need. You the right one for me. Your talk, your smile, your love, your tender, your hands, your sadness, your mind.... See everything you are is everything I dreamed of. And maybe this is all that you need to know to realize that you're right next to the right one. Maybe when you know, you'll think about me and find me worth dreaming of too. Then please know...

My dearest,
I love you, I admit. You're my perfect.

a taken by the thought of you.

To be Continued...