Sunday, April 24

Is it an illusion?

When I look into your eyes I could hear nothing! Your eyes don't speak to me! And if they do, I don't get what they say! This tells me that I'm not the one who's meant to get what your eyes say!

Everything was perfect, except for those awkward moments when you don't get what I say? and I don't know how to explain or if I have to! The awkward moments when I feel like I really need to understand you and get you to understand me but you don't seem to give me a chance and we don't easily work it out!

I remember a moment when I looked into your eyes and kept looking without saying a word! And you looked back waiting for me to speak or to understand what my eyes were saying, but you couldn't! And that was the only time I understood your eyes because simply there's was nothing behind them, just the question of what that deep look is for! It ended up without answering your question and I didn't feel ashamed of what you'd be thinking of me because then I really wanted to tell you something that only my eyes could say!

Your smile, your walk with pride, the way you joke, your postures, the way you stand, the way you sit and all those things you do when you're happy are all the things I wait for when I know I'll be seeing you and they are all the things that make me happy too.

Today what I loved the most was hearing you calling my name many times, asking for me and making sure I listen to you. It's just that the feeling that you needed to talk to me thrills me! Even though I know you just did so because somehow you had to!

And sometimes, just sometimes, though how great I see you I also think that you're weak, tender and sweet; someone who sometimes, again just sometimes, doesn't know exactly what to do, or needs some help from others. Someone with a little weak motive and needs someone to boost it!

I have no idea why I dreamed of you that night, but I dreamed of nothing but a long deep eye contact. Maybe it's because I really need to understand and know what goes back there behind your eyes.

I get so much touched by your mood shifts, does this mean anything? And if you're sad you really don't know how much do I need to do anything just to see you smiling again!

Have I told you before that you're smile is such a captivating one?

And sometimes I don't understand you at all. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know you. And I think I really do know nothing about you. What's weird is that though I know that I know nothing about you I feel like I already know everything about you! Is that something you intended to do?

If you have something else that is charming besides your smile, it would be your words! Maybe it's your voice! And I remember those very little rare seconds where our hands in a way touched softly.

And I know nothing about why I'm keeping my mind full and alert of you and everything you do. Will that ever end? Or will I forever be missing you? I need to know, because I just wouldn't be able to live with the fact that I miss you!

Wednesday, April 20

Something to say

This week was the weirdest week ever! It still hasn't ended yet, but everything was just going in the wrong direction. Until today and everything is just starting to get back on track. I had many thoughts and here I'll lay them.
  •  It was all messed up. There was a delay, there was a life to worry about, there was a fear un-handled. But everything went gently greatly. Yes it didn't satisfy me a bit, I didn't satisfy me! But to them, who matter the most, they had the fun of their lives! Thank God!
  •  I had the longest day ever; a day that was more than 24 hours. I was too tired to continue, too emotionally exhausted to carry on! But I did, and amazingly I did a lot of things that I needed to do!
  •  I couldn't believe a gift could bring tears. But it wasn't the gift, it was what it meant.
  •  I got shocked by how you thought of me. It was like you really never knew me. And it hurts when suddenly you figure out that those who you spend most of your time with know nothing about how to appreciate you!
  •  Then came the time I needed my shell to sleep and stay sleeping. Nothing was what I needed to do mostly and nothing I did. Felt nice though not reliving!
  •  Still the nothingness conquers me, but nothing is ever nothing.
  •  And then came the feeling and the confession that I can't help dealing with us specially when we're all stressed up.
  •  Did I mention that you were away and never there never trying to break the barriers being built? You're still away and the barriers keep growing. Did I mention that I do not wish to be the one who breaks them? and I won't!
  •  Things gone messy but found their way at the end after a heartache. I know I might be mistaken and done lots of mistakes. Yes I was, because I was in a need to not to act wisely and so I did! What's wrong with that? I needed to go mad!
  •  And Today was the day of clearing the fog, and tidying the mess. Though the day started with a huge humiliation, but it ended with a compassion.
  •  I let my tears find their way today, I couldn't keep holding them more; they help when they flow.
  •  I know what I came to hear but I couldn't think of a better reaction than what really happened.
  •  Things are worse, but we are much more stronger and better. We're together and no one has given up.
  •  You made me happy to know you moved step forward in this that was causing us all the pain.
  •  And also today, you were the one who corrects me without embarrassing me, who blames me without making me feel bad about myself, who advices me rather than shouts at me and who supports me the most when I needed it the most just from you.
  •  Forgiveness is something that I felt today. I always thought it was an impossible thing to achieve, but you always make me see that it's such an easy thing to do. You're kindness is the kindness I'm searching for; the kindness that comes strictly and unnoticed. 
  •  Did I mention also that you didn't care at all to call? And you know what, I think I should stop this big fat lie that I'm living myself in.
  •  About lying I could write a whole article!
  •  In the end! It's much more harder than before. But I promised myself to never give up! And today gave me the reason of why I should never give up! 
  •  I'll carry on strongly and I'll make it till the end to be the winner that never quits!
  •  Just Thank You!! =)

**Note: Every "you" is different, so don't bother yourself matching the "you"s. It actually might be you.

Tuesday, April 19

To a never-to-forget...

I'll miss the messages!
I'll miss the ways we study together!
I'll miss picking you up!
I'll miss the breaks between the lectures!
I'll miss "El-genaina" and the wonderful people I meet there!
I'll miss the loud laughs!
I'll miss the way we always bother each other with our silly attitudes!
I'll miss our talks specially when the talks had some philosophy to explain!
I'll miss the hours when we just stand there "3nd el game3" after the exam waiting to see if we'll go out or not!
I'll miss our long lovely meaningless crazy conversations on facebook and twitter through statuses, comments, photos and tweets; specially on the exams' eve!
I'll miss the Club-Studying days! I'll miss the cats there!
I'll miss the projects!
I'll miss the crazy pictures!
I'll miss our gatherings!
I'll miss our rare outings!
I'll miss how we desperately always plan for the outings!
I'll miss the waffles! 
I'll miss your home!
I'll miss praying together "gama3a"!
I'll miss our own unique "tahyees"!
I'll miss that strawberry drink!
I'll miss your obsession with pepsi!
I'll miss the "maccarona" in every way it could be eaten! 
I'll miss your coffee and chocolate!
I'll miss the plans we try to put!
I'll miss the long meetings!
I'll miss the smiles!
I'll miss the talks!
I'll miss the dreams!
I'll miss the walks!
I'll miss the hugs!
I'll miss the discussions!
I'll miss the gmail chats!
I'll miss the standards!!
I'll miss waiting for the meetings to start!
I'll miss the craziness!
I'll miss "Pizza King"!!
I'll miss singing!
I'll miss listening to songs with you!
I'll miss listening to you as you speak fast and I never get it!
I'll miss reading your writings!
I'll miss the "2alsh" online meetings and mails!
I'll miss the hard days!
I'll miss the working meetings!
I'll miss the plans!
I'll miss the family that cares too much on its members!
I'll miss the tearful meetings!
I'll miss the "One Movement" that we always manage to make!
I'll miss the inspiring messages!
I'll miss the phone calls that come on critical times!
I'll miss the serious talks we have!
I'll miss feeling the emotional synchronism! 
I'll miss your support in every way!

I'll miss YOU most of all! :)

** To be updated if I figured what else I'll miss! :)

Monday, April 11


When the time comes to walk away you find yourself attached with every way there is and you can't move no matter how hard you tried. And other times when you feel like you really want to stay and you miss the place you find yourself pushed away with every mean, nothing moves you to stay and everything else just grabs you away.

There are things that you can never trust anyone to share them with. Things that are very special and mean the world to you. And how much you sometimes think there's someone out there who you'd like to share this with, you just then doubt if they truly deserve to know those very special private things about you. And this makes you feel like you're holding on a secret only to yourself but then you think again, is it right to hold a secret just to myself? Or should I have someone who always knows everything about me?

You're hurt when you lose something you had. And when you're hurt you need to show it, and to show it you must tell what was it that you had lost and made you hurt. But what if that thing you've lost you have been keeping it a secret? What if you never said that you posses such a thing? So, when it gets lost you can't tell that you've lost it, for you actually never had it, and so you're not allowed by any means to get hurt. And that's the consequences of keeping things as secrets!

Memories please stay away, and mind please don't think too much! I promised myself not to think for the current months. Because I know, when I think I mess up and I don't focus. But I can't hold on to that promise and when people ask me to talk or say anything, I directly think and that hurts me so I keep the silence.

Oh, about silence! Have I told you that silence is my best self-shield? It is! And I really don't get it how others manage to speak. People always ask me to talk and speak, they actually push me to talk, but I sincerely can't, I don't know how to, I just don't! And until I find the one who understands my silence the best, respects it and knows how to respond to it, I'm not talking!

Sometimes I feel it was a very wrong decision to take, but I took it and I really don't want to take my word back. But every time I get stuck with the fact that I've made such a commitment I feel like an untruthful deceitful person. And when it goes wrong I feel like I'm the one who's to carry all the burden alone. You got to be responsible for your own decisions, and that's what I always do! So please don't make me feel like I've taken a wrong decision, or else help me set it right!

I really just need to understand what it truly is? I need to know the truth! I need to find out how and what do I actually feel and what do I actually want. I need no more dreams, no more fancies, no more pushing, no more lies, no more deceits! I need to understand it all, figure it out, be sure of it and never have any doubts.
Because the things I do are always the opposite of the things I think I should do! And when I do the things I do I really amaze myself, surprise it and sometimes disappoint it. It's I who I don't understand, and no one can explain me but I.

Thinking I shouldn't be posting this, but I will. Because it's something that been bothering my head lately!