Sunday, January 23

Sometimes...




Sometimes, it's as simple as this: You get up from that bed, wash your face, look at yourself in the mirror, put on a wide smile, thank God for that you're still alive, that you still have another chance, and go out face the world however it is rather than just dreaming about it.

Sometimes, it's not that simple. Sometimes a wide smile on the face doesn't solve anything or motivate you enough. And figuring out what is it that we need to fight more and go on with life is what I failed to do. Is it the faith and hope that your life will be great? Is it the trust in yourself to do whatever it takes to achieve this greatness? Theoretically, yes that's what should motivate you to keep going on. But let's be more practical, it's never enough either!

Okey, let's look at it from the other side. Why do we fail to get out of that bed?

Sometimes it's because we fear what we'll have to face. Sometimes it's because we don't know what are we going to do the next minute after getting up. Sometimes, it's simply because we don't want to get up and do what we have to do.
You'll have like a million of reasons that no one will know better than you. Only then, maybe you should first have a minute to think of how you solve each of these possibilities so that you could find a deep true motive.

   ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

People's motives are different. It's how you see the world, and everyone has a unique eye. So, I fail to know what each person's motive is. But, "life goes on" is a motive no one could resist. Life is as bad as it goes. But that's life that no one can stop. Death is not a choice and failure is not option, so try going for the other options, the other choices. And every now and then try to find an option or a choice, a motive to keep you holding on.

Let me tell you another motive that I'm sure you can't resist. Let people be your motive. If you fail and lose, if you're down and pathetic, what do you expect people around you to think of you? Do you want them to think of you this way?? Now what if you're happy, successful and loved? You'll be appreciated, supported and lifted up. Isn't that what you really want?

Don't wait for anyone to give you the push that will pave your way. No one will give it to you. But surprisingly when you take the first step in your own paved path, you'll find everyone supporting you, appreciating you, proud of you and actually motivating and pushing you up. Now, that's what you needed at the first place, didn't you? It's just that you have had to earn it first!
Only when you stop thinking of taking and start giving, you'll actually be taking. So, give all your best and wait for it to return, for it will, just be patient.

Show the world your true strength. Everyone is strong, those who show it take the title, so why don't you take your title now?



A talk.


You asked to see me, and so you did. We talked. We talked and talked. It was fine, and it left a good impression on me. My hopes were lifted up. But, I thought that was not yet enough to tell.


Then you called and asked for another talk. I agreed and we talked. We talked and talked. This time it wasn't much better, but it wasn't worse. It was okay, good and satisfying. My hopes stood still, maybe lifted a little higher. I felt good, I sensed a wind of change. Maybe not, maybe I was just too excited to live the moments. But it passed, as everything did, and you left.


Then you called again, asking for a thrid talk. Like the past ones weren't good enough for you. This time I said no! If talking with you is this great, as I felt, does a third talk guarantees that our talk would never stop. Will you keep asking for a fourth and a fifth? And will they gauarntee the sixth? If no, then a third talk would make me regret. If yes, then let's do something else other than a talk.


So, I asked you to act this time, not just talk. But there was no answer, you never replied! And you left. Leaving me with the wonder, did you even like our talks? If no, what were you thinking?


But I didn't keep wondering much, because I didn't know what I was thinking either.


** Note: I know I have been talking about you and I. But I'm not me, so you're not you! :)

You're loved.

This is not an ordinary post. This is nothing like a thought I had in mind or a story I thought of to share. This is an appreciation I have to admit. Maybe it's a thank you note. Maybe it's a gift. Call it what you like. It's my feelings let out. So let's see what I've got. And know that it's going to be very long.

I would like to present you the story of this lovely girl I know. A girl who's truly loved by everyone who gets to know her. She's just adorable. She's everyone best friend. But she's truly my dearest friend. She has this talent of making a special friendship with everyone around her. All who know her closely get the feeling that their friendship is a unique and a special one. She has the talent to win everyone's heart and trust. She's truly a blessing, a jewel.

I wish I had that much of information to write about how special she is to everyone, but that thing I couldn't get to know this much. So I thought of telling you how special she is to me.

To me, she's more than a friend. She's truly my sister. By every letter, she's my sister. God hasn't given me the blessing of having a sister. But, He gave me something much better. He blessed me by her in my life. She made my life different. I don't know from where to start the story of us. But here's something that I had once wrote about her (secretly). It was a year ago, so I added some words, lines and paragraphs actually, and believe me, there's nothing I had to skip, like my feelings for her hasn't changed since then, they grew deeper. Here it is:
I knew her at my first year at college and I loved her ever since. I still remember what she was wearing on that first day I met her. But we never got this much close until last year. She became the sister I never had. And the way we became this close just sometimes freaks me out - but actually right now, that thought doesn't freak me anymore, I'm grateful it happened. Maybe because it's something I have never experienced before, I never had a sister before. Maybe because it's something so beautiful that I couldn't believe it's actually mine. But there's something I'm sure of, I would never trade this by anything in the world. She's my mind reader, my mind twin. It's really scary how the exact same thoughts get incepted in our minds at the exact same moment. Sometimes, we just text each other the same message.
Being close doesn't necessarily mean that we are 24/7 together, although that's actually the case. It's how comfortable I feel when I'm around her. She's actually one of those very few people I have in my life who I become myself when I'm with them. It's how I can easily tell her everything about me. She's the only one I find it okay to tell her everything goes on my mind, every thought, and you can guess how wild my thoughts can sometimes be. It's how I find it perfect when I study with her, plan for things with her, discuss important and unimportant stuff with her. It's everything we do together that measures how close we are. Her home now feels like mine, and I hope mine feels like her home too. 
Now, even though every thing I mentioned above. We're not that same person, though we have a lot of commons between us, things I wouldn't like to reveal now to keep you wondering about her. Yet, we are different. But that difference is what makes us perfect, isn't it? I had moments where I felt she's not who I know. Moments where I discovered other sides of her, the bad and the beautiful sides. And I accepted them all as they are, just because she's truly amazing just the way she is.
I have to be fair too. She had off course, I think, moments where she was mad at me and just couldn't handle me any more. I'm afraid that she had to put up with a lot of things with me. And that's another thing I'm grateful for and blessed by. She's everything I needed in a friend. I'm thanking her for being in my life. 
May our friendship last forever and after when we meet at al Jannah inshaa'Allah :) May our friendship be this much close as long as we both live. And may it get stronger each day.

That was about our friendship. Let's get back to her. But, before this, let me just tell her something:
"I believe and I'm actually sure that each one who knew you as much as I did, and even less, has the same feelings I have got for you. But each one love you in her special way, as I told you, you share a special friendship with every friend you've got. May God bless you with good friends all along your life. :) "

She. Not only that she's a perfect friend. I see her as a perfect daughter, a perfect big sister for a boy and a girl. And I believe she will make a perfect mother and a perfect wife. Not to mention, a gorgeous bride.
And just this month that I have found that she's an amazing writer, a sensational poet. :)

I wish her absolute happiness. And if there's any song I could dedicate to her, it would be her favorite one.
And because today is her day, yes it's her birthday today. Yes it's you my dear Salma. Please accept this special gift, your favorite song, and our wish for you.




HAPPY BIRTHDAY Salmaaaaaaa!!!!




Our dearest friend, sweetest sister and best mate. We all love you and wish you a happy birthday, actually a happy life.







You are our best friend, who life means nothing without.



You're the best team mate, partner, and the best to work with ;) :)  


College with you has a different taste!


Fun with you is our eternal state. =D :):)


That's a thoughtful moment :)
How lucky he will be ;) 
You're just gorgeous and amazing 



Have a blast! :):)


And this is just how happy we are for you :):) 


  

Saturday, January 22

A heavy heart

I don't know how to start or what to say, but there's something heavy chained to my heart and pulling me downwards. I'm trying to reach in to know what is it that causing me all this burden, but as much as I try to reach I find nothing to put my hands on and remove away. Maybe my hands can't reach enough, maybe I'm searching in the wrong place. But this thing I'm holding is somehow taking over me, it's making me unrecognized by myself. I'm drifting away, taken by this thing I can't define. It's changing me. Let me share with you some of the symptoms I'm having. Maybe you could have an explanation for that thing causing me the pain. This has only been recently, and I need to understand what has infected me.

- I don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore. To be fair, they are so few who I trust, maybe just one, maybe just me. And this one person I'm trusting, I'm only trusting because this one is the closest to me nowadays, if that link between us is cut, I don't think I would link again. There are others who wish to link. But I refuse. I don't want to. Like I really need to be alone. Being alone, solitude actually is the word, is just  what will make me feel safe. I don't hate them, but I don't want to be obligated by their contact. I don't want to contact, simple it is...

- I feel lost inside myself. Even though I'm only living in my head, but I'm lost there. I, sometimes, stand there at the middle of the room for minutes, just trying to figure out what is it that I want to do right now. Like I black out for moments. My thoughts are dispersed. At one moment I'm laughing out loud, the next I'm having tears in my eyes. One minute I'm excited and fully charged, the next I just wish to sleep for years. I'm losing the sense of time. Days pass by me hitting my shoulder, they neither say hi nor sorry!

I thought it's the exams that are making my days run in this haze. But if that was the case and it's working, then I would be happy, not mad, like I am now!

Thursday, January 20

My dearest, you're my perfect.

Dear,

I had to write you because there are many and many thoughts rushing in my head, only for you. And I'll go crazy if I hadn't had the chance to tell you, even if that's only in my fanciest world. I'm still obsessed, you know. My heart still skips that beat for you. Then my heart stays beating fast with happiness that I get scared it might stop right there.

Yes I feel jealous when I see someone else is more attached to you than I am. And if I felt you care too for others just the same way you care for me, tears fill my eyes. And when I find others love you and appreciate you the same way I do, I get filled with fear. Fear that my love would get lost through all other people's love, fear that you might not know how much I appreciate you.

Yes, I'm taken by the thought of you. Whenever  I'm mad and sad, I remember your words, I remember your sight, I remember your smile, and yes I'm happy again, I'm smiling once more. That quick shift from madness to happiness makes people around me wonder if I'm crazy or schizophrenic maybe. But it's you in my head around me all the time to save me from becoming mad and insane.

Yes, I'm thanking you, I'm appreciating you, for just being a thought in my head. You're the best thought I could and would ever think of. You're why I want to succeed. You're why I'm keeping it up. You're the reason for every good in my life. Then, I can't but owe you every good in my life.

Yes, I'm so happy you talk to me. I'm so happy you're proud of me. I'm so happy I did something that pleased you. I'm so happy that I wish you to know how happy I am. You make me happy like no one can. There's that quote that says: "Talk with who makes you happy. But talk more with who can't be happy without you." If we just stick to this quote, then we'll find a reason for talking to each other and we'll end up talking to each other forever. Would you please take this quote??

And yes, I miss you. I miss you talking to me. I need that feeling that you wish to talk with me too. I need you to give me the space to be in your life. But, sadly I am to say that maybe you don't see me as the perfect one for you. I won't blame you. It's your feelings, it's not my call, and I have no control on that.

And nothing I could say to express how I truly feel except the words: "I love you, I miss you, and I wish you here beside me for always and forever."

So, I kept silent, preserving all the special moments we have together in memory, preserving the pure and special look you hold to me, preserving your pride and preserving my dignity. I kept the silence and kept keeping it till I think I lost all the talk with you. I no longer feel safe to talk with you. I no longer feel talking with you makes you happy. Although I never felt it did before. But now, I fear that it would annoy you and repel you away. Now, this thought makes my heart ache. I hope I'm wrong, would you please prove me wrong??

No, don't you go away now. Don't you get mad at me. All that I wish for, is that you be sure that you're everything I dreamed of. You're everything I need. You the right one for me. Your talk, your smile, your love, your tender, your hands, your sadness, your mind, see everything you are everything I dreamed of. And maybe this is all that you need to know to realize that you're right next to the right one. Maybe when you know, you'll think about me and find me worth dreaming of too. Then please know...


My dearest.
I love you, I admit. You're my perfect.

yours,
a taken by the thought of you.

Tuesday, January 18

A Hard moment......faced with EGO!



When you wish to quit what you are doing at the most time everyone else is working hard to get there.


When you decide that there's nothing you can do but to quit because you haven't done all that makes you continue. When there's no option but to quit. 


This is not the hard moment I'm talking about. Because you are aware of that decision, you're taking it fully aware of its consequences and you're ready for it. It's too late now to save yourself and find other alternatives, because you lost all your options. And it's you who made yourself lose your options. So, this is not the moment you are afraid to face. 


The moment is that when you walk out of that hall in front of everyone else, who are working very hard and so busy to care to notice you quitting. But, still your quit would let them down. Your quit would be questioned. And only at this moment you wish you disappear in silence. You don't want to talk about why you had made such a decision or what made you lose all your options. You don't want to feel the pity in others' eyes, or the request to try harder and keep on moving. Because you already did your best, as you think, and there's nothing left for you to take. And all you really want to do is to QUIT.


You decide to wait for a while, maybe something happens that makes your quitting a little easier. But nothing happens and you keep waiting and feeling the pain much painful. So, that's it. You decide to leave and quit in silence as much as you can. What a corageous step to take!


But after you leave. You have nowhere to go to. No one to talk to. You feel alone and homeless. Even your closest people, you don't want to see them. You don't want anyone to talk with you neither in a bad way or in a good way. All you want is to be left alone. And you are already alone. With no one but yourself to listen to you, scream at you, cheer you up or just stay silent. And you even refuse to go to the only one who you know for sure that He can help you in the perfect way you wish to be helped. Just because you feel like you don't even deserve His help. What a hard heart you have! What a losing weak ego that you hold!


But you need a place to stay in. So you decide to go to where you'll eventually go. That's another courageous step you're taking. And you start facing all the questions, which are just to make sure that you're okay and nothing is wrong with you. But you still refuse to listen to these questions, not to mention that you refuse answering them at the first place. So, you blame yourself for going there. You say to yourself: "Why did the hell I came here? Shouldn't I have just stayed outside alone in the crowd where no one cares?" 


And to make something clear, deep inside you're longing for them to care and ask you all kind of questions. Deep inside you'll get even more mad if no one asked you what went wrong and made you quit this way.


As they keep on asking as your frustration evolves to a limit that makes you wish to die and makes them lose hope in you and hate you more. Now, you forget everything else and just put a big fake spot on the 'Why don't I get what I need, to do what I have to do? And what is it that I need? And what is it that I have to do?' region.


You think you have to do something. Go away, start a revolution, raise your voice. But nothing you can do. Not because you can't, but because you deep inside know that you don't deserve to act this way, it's not your right. Actually, at this moment you know you don't deserve any of that you already have. So, you stay silent. Everyone now is fed up with you. You don't want help, you don't want to help yourself either. And you arrogantly refuse the care others try to give you. So, just stay where you are. Hope your ego helps you with what you're going through.


And even though you really don't deserve at all...May God guide you to the light and help you pass through every hard.

You don't have to settle for this...

Frustration – Top 5 “How To’s”

“When you feel frustrated or upset by a person or a situation, remember that you are NOT reacting to the person or the situation, but to your feelings about the person or the situation. These are your feelings, and your feelings are NOT someone else’s fault.”  - Dr. Deepak Chopra

First, Acknowledge
 Be aware of what is going on at that very moment.

Second, Redirect your focus
 Think about what you can do, and Not about what you can't control at that moment.

Third, Walk away
 Step outside and breathe some lung filling fresh air.

Fourth, Figure out what you want to happen
  There are always options even when our minds are closed.

Fifth, Take ACTION
 Things are always going to go the way you have expected them too…

"I have found in my life that when I stop, look at what I am doing, listen to what my world is telling me and try a new approach, things usually get better. I’m sure the same will work for you."


Sunday, January 16

Dearest ever,

Don't yell at me when I cry
Don't shout asking me to try
Don't care with a loud voice
Don't make such a noise

Don't doubt me on what's nasty
especially when I do what it takes to be trusty
And don't build a wall when I need to cross
for it's the only time I feel a loss

Only then, I wish you comprehend
that I wish to explain why I hid
all that makes you stare
about my life that you care

Don't let it be that obvious
when I do everything just for you
Don't judge me based on the pervious
when I come happily saying I made it through

But be a listener
Open your arms and heart for me
Clear your mind and tell me it's safe
to speak and say all that I've been a fray

Because sometimes, it's really you who I seek
and it's my right to have you at times this weak

Because you're my only one, and you'll always be my only best
You're my best companion and best friend
my best sister and best trend

You're my model I proudly have
You're who takes all that on my behalf

You're my way to heaven
You're my way to a better vision

That gives me the strength
to carry on and do what you please
That's what my God has asked me to seize

I thank God your mine
I thank God you're alive
for I can't make it without
your presence around

May God bless you in your life, make you feel safe and guide you to the perfect path.

Yours forever,
your dearest daughter...

Another

Only in another world, another place and another time...

--

Suddenly, she grabs his hand strongly and she takes him away to a place where there's no one else. And there they are on the sand at night with a fading light that's coming from far above, a fading sound of music that they barely could follow and a strong sound of waves crashing the shore softly and crashing the rocks out there roughly. She has taken him to where she has always wished he takes her.

Now she leaves his hand and keeps looking around. And he is speechless, he doesn't know what to say, or even what to think. He never expected her this way, and yes she is feeling a little astonished of what she has just done. And silent conversation between their eyes starts. He's telling her how crazy she is. She replies by how crazy she really is when it comes to him. He thanks her for her bravery. And she replies that someone has had to take the step. He keeps asking what should he do. And just now does her eyes become silent. But she smiles and keeps on smiling and he keeps on staring.

She then breaks the silence by saying: "I just love this music!". He replies: "Should this be the sign?"
And she holds his hand once more. Only now he knows what he has to do. He asks her to dance and she happily agrees. They dance and dance to the music of their hearts. They never wish to stop and their eyes keeps talking. He tells her how beautiful she looks, how he wasted all that time without her and how he's grateful now that he's finally around her. And she says that she doesn't care how much time has been wasted as long as he promises her to never leave her again. And they keep floating, dancing, smiling and talking in silence. And her heart skips a beat that his heart beats it for her. They feel like they lost time and place. They wish this moment never ends. And they keep on dancing.



But suddenly again. She stops. She walks away. And she runs into the sand, happily.
He follows her, getting shocked and worried. What went wrong again? He's wondering.
But nothing has went wrong. Everything is falling into place. She comes back to him. She grabs his hands once more and asks him to run. She laughs loudly like a young girl living the happiest life. So he smiles back. And he walks with her, watching her playing and spinning around. He's happy for how happy she is. He wishes she never loses that smile as she did before. And he promises her silently that he'll do whatever it takes so that she keeps that laugh.

Then she lies down on the sand, looks up to the stars and ask him to lay down and look up. So he does. They both looked up together. And she starts to wish on the wishing stars, that her life could just end up here and happily like now she lives forever. She wishes he stays forever just beside her. Then the silence is broken once again, this time it's him. He asks her if she would like to know the story of each star. Once again she happily agrees. For it's one of her dreams to listen to him telling stories only for her. And he starts telling. And she listens. And the sea roars softly, the music gets louder and the light is no longer needed as the stars above have shown them the way. And their love starts shining all around them. They were just in another world, the most beautiful world. Until she figured it all out....

--

This was just another dream.

Saturday, January 15

During the Rain...

Yesterday it was raining. Yes, it was hailing. Here where I live. And I thank God for that rain that lasted for less than an hour, as I sensed. I'm really am grateful for the rain, specially at those moments. For those moments where the memorable ones.

It was raining and everyone prayed. Some prayed that they pass the exams, some prayed for a better life, some prayed for a deep buried wish to be fulfilled, and some prayed for this Ummah to raise up once again and those are who I praise. But still this is not what I'm pointing to.

And everyone wrote about the rain, how wonderful it is and how happy they are hearing the sounds of thunder, catching the flash of lightening and enjoying the coldness of water drops on their hands.
Some wrote about the memories they got watching this rain drops. As you can see rainy days are that rare that  a rainy day is a memorable one. Some wrote about how their lives have changed from that previous rainy day, how they manged to cope with grief and how they managed to appreciate the peace. Some wrote about the lessons that rain could give us; that learning how to dance in the rain is what makes you enjoy the bright sun that comes after. And they wrote about why some loved the rain, and others didn't. But they all wrote about what that rain meant to them. And I would have never thought of writing about the rain but for those moments I had to live that day.

Because during the rain, I wasn't praying for the things I usually pray for. I hadn't had the chance to watch the rain, the hail or the ice. I didn't catch any lightening flashes or heard any terrifying thunders. I had my own thunders inside me echoing saying: "What should I exactly do right now? How would I deal? Could it really be somewhere near the end? and if yes, then please God, don't let it be today. I know he's not ready yet." That was my only prayer, if he's going, then please God forgive him, if he's staying, then help me do the right thing to save him. And I thank God for listening to my prayers, he's saved. I thank God I knew exactly what he needed. I thank God, he gave us a warning and a reminder to see how death is close. I thank God for reminding us of how we love and care about each other.

Those moments will stay deep in my memory. I might have lost him.

As for him, I would like to say: "Yes, it might have been your last. You might have left leaving us with no help. So, please don't you do this again to me. Seeing you dying like this once again will be heartbreaking and it will leave me with the question why didn't I stop you from the beginning. All I want to know is that you'll be safe. And when you go, please go only when you're ready. And don't make me worried about you."




This time I didn't enjoy the rain, I enjoyed the rainbow. The rain, to me, was when the hardest times are, and after each rain there's a rainbow that this time I managed to see. Alhamdul-Allah :)

Monday, January 10

Final destination


Her voice was all in my head
Her words were all that in my heart

Maybe, I hurt you for her sake
but it's she who I can never break
that's what I was brought up to undertake

That night, she made it clear for me
that you and I can no longer be
I tried to make you understand
but you kept on holding my hand

So, I thought maybe I should
give us a second thought
but I didn't warn you
it maybe the last that we ought

I kept silent and I kept afloat
you drove and I was to flow
Maybe there where I lost my song
that lead me to where I don't belong

Maybe it's the end
Maybe her voice in my head
Maybe it's true 
Maybe I hadn't to

Maybe it wasn't right
Maybe we were just blind
So, please let's close that vault
that contains all the fault

Don't push me anymore
for I have lost my score
And I'm disappointed, you know
I never thought I'd become like the show

Promise me to stay strong
for it has to end some way along
Please, don't be sorry, don't regret
don't say you've lost 
for you can't lose what you haven't got

And I can't ask who's to blame
because on you and I falls the shame
Shame on me for being driven
Shame on you for letting me skip heaven

So, the final destination is a dead end
I'm sorry we've missed the right turn
but there's no way back then.

Saturday, January 8

Don't be late...





If I told you I miss you, would you come
and talk to me like you always do?
And why do I still miss you even though
I know to care is to show
just if you wanted to?

But, I know nothing about you
that scars me a lot
for it makes me wonder

how far you really are
but closer to my heart

Yes, I know nothing about you
and maybe when I do
I'd just long for you more
but also I may think how naive I sour.

Whatever the possibility
I'm happy to take the risk
for you're the dream
I'm longing to live.

I miss you when it's good
and I miss you when it's bad.

I think thanking you is never enough
and I owe you every snap.

So, whenever I find something good
there's no one but you who I wish to run to.
And every time I feel bad,
you are the perfect one to have.

How can I not miss you!

It's hard to feel things
I can never reveal,
when all I wish for is 
to give you a thank you note
and tell you how much I thought.

Then, what can I do to make you realize
how much I always long to break the ice
and spent nights of talks with you
rather than just dream of you.

You're everyone's dream
but you'll always be my special dream...
You are my dream I'm never giving up
you are my dream that makes my day...

You're the one who made see brightly
although I was driven blindly.

You're the one who was my inspiration
to what others saw was my best.

You're the only one who can leave me
smiling and giggling from deep inside.

You're the one who just knows
how happily to let others be.

And I'll be waiting for you
to make my perfect dream a reality.

So don't you be late,
for I'm not settling for a less rate.

Who's to blame?

Today I raised my voice over yours. 
Today I didn't keep the silence, the silence that has always been my shield. 

Someone told me once that I have to speak up, I have to ask for my rights. And I listened, so I raised my voice. Now I regret it, for it's not my way. Now, I don't know what to do, because this isn't how I always deal with it. And I don't know who to blame. Should I blame the one who told me to stand for my rights. Or should I blame myself for listening foolishly. Maybe I should blame the spoiled me, the one inside who never sees how wrong is she. I keep repeating, no one is to be blamed but me! And I still keep the spoiled one inside me take the lead. But I'm stuck between unsolved issues. Things that are major and life damaging, yet they have to be left unsolved. And I never think of any solutions, I just don't know how! I'm totally helpless, I've got no clue to this...All I know is that I'm the one to blame, and nothing more.

And I hate to let you feel the way you do right now. I hate that you're not proud of who I am. I hate that you see me irresponsible and that you're fed up with me. I really hate that I'm letting you down. I hate to know that I'm the one who's making your life a living hell. I hate to give you the feeling that I don't need you, and that I'm better without you. I hate that all is really true. But even though, you'll always be mine, I can't replace you, not even if I wanted and I really don't want to. I have always accepted you the way you are. I have always been given the award that I'm the one who deals with you the best. And beleive it or not I truly do love you so much.

But, today! I made you loose your temper and cross the limits, and I foolishly spoke up and thought I should react differently this time. Here I did, and it's left undone. I have no idea how to get things back. Nor that I know how to deal anymore. I don't want to stay and do things over my will, and at the same time I don't want the spoiled me take over. I'm helpless once again. And I'm in a desprate need to that you forgive me and be proud of me. But even that I can't do, something is preventing me, and that's the only thing I blame you for it not me.

I wonder if you're thinking the same. I wonder if you're worried if I think you don't love me. Because I am worried that you think I don't love you. I'm sure you love me, and I love you too so much. But showing it was never what I got used to. As much as I sometimes wish to give you a big hug and thank you for every thing you have given me is as much as I never did so. You have never showed your love to me, although I know from my deep that it's there. So, no one has the right to ask me to show love to you. I simply don't know how to. And you even never taught me.

You're my only special case. I deal with you differently than anyone else. And because you are you, then this proves to me that I fake all others. Because it's only with you who I should be myself. And comparing myself with you and myself with others, they are totally different, then one of them is sure a fake. Should I blame you for my lack of integrity and schizophrenia? Or do I still have to blame myself all the time?

Now, this thing too will pass, just like evey other thing. And time will come to hide the scars. But deep inside the wounds never really heal and the cut gets wider. And I'll be left once agian with all the unsolved. And one question I'll keep on asking, who's to blame?

Friday, January 7

It's ok to forgive, but it's never ok to forget!

Never look back...

Sometimes life gives us hard times to live and then it just simply asks us to move on and forget all about what we have been through. It's true, isn't life just about moving on?

Well, Life is not waiting for an answer, it's moving anyway, whether you liked it or not.

So, is it that simple to forget? And are there ways of forgetting? And just why is it easier to remember than to forget? Is the past this much better than the present?

Many questions to which I'm left with no answers. But...

- Life doesn't ask you to forget. You're not obligated to forget. If you don't want to forget, then just don't! It's actually that simple. Never do something you don't wish to.

- Moving on never includes Forgetting. Weird that these two words always come together, and I can't see any relation between them. You can forget all about it but you actually haven't moved on with life the way you should. And you can move on with your own life but never forget a thing about your past however it was.

- Moving on is the good side, the winning side...But Forgetting, that's what you should never do!
   Moving on means forgiving, accepting and coping with what's not in your control, what you can't change. And that is what's really hard to do, that is what's not simple and what needs algorithms and techniques to achieve. And you'll be amazed to find out how simple those ways are and achieving them is truly an appreciated achievement. Moving on is the healthiest act to do, you're born to move on with life. So if you're lost and couldn't find the way, search for the way where you'll be moving on. And that will be the right way for you.
   Forgetting, on the other side, means letting go your past, letting go your history. And being with no history is just like not being ever before. Forgetting means having nothing to talk about, no stories to tell, no legacy to leave and no inheritance to pass. Forgetting includes forgetting your experiences. Imagine a man with no life experiences, how would he be? Now, you would say I'm overrating. We're only forgetting the bad memories, but actually what makes a good experience but a bad, hard and heartbreaking memory. Try to figure out all your life lessons learned and then think from where did you learn such a lesson? And what if you forgot the source of the lesson that you have learned? Won't you fall again in this hole, won't you live through hell, once again? Now, how could you ever be moving on this way?

- So, if you're finding it hard to forget. Then that's what I'm asking you, don't forget. Now, you're finding it hard to move on. Then I'll ask you to take your time and keep on finding this simple way of moving on that's so hard to find easily. Yes, it looks complicated, but it gets easier by time. And time is yours, time is who asks you to move on, so don't worry it will help you move on. All that you need is to decide to move on. That decision is what needs hard work from you, but you have the keys: forgiving and accepting, work on these two and you'll find your way.

And, to you, please know this: I'm never forgetting any of our story...I'm just on my way to accept our fate. And I'm happy I finally figured it all out. I forgive you. I've loved you, and I'm never forgetting how I felt for you. And my love to you will be my key to move on. Another thing you just have to never forget...I'm never losing the hope, at least not until hope loses me!

Monday, January 3

A state of mind

And this place will forever stay my only home. It will forever be the place I long to for healing and feeling safe.


It's sad that we don't get to keep on all the things that really please us, that at the end we've got to put up with some struggle. But actually that's what gives life a meaning and a taste. Still it's a sad fact to face.

I've learned that we shouldn't matter to the circumstances around us. If there's something we desire to accomplish, then nothing should get into our way. But, sometimes it would be more pleasing if we were only surrounded with the right atmosphere, the perfect one for us. And, I believe that it's all in our hands to create the perfect atmosphere, but even that perfect atmosphere doesn't last forever. We keep working hard and suffering to maintain that perfection we're looking for inside our heads. And that's why it's sometimes stressful, and by it I mean life.

So, I'm too sad I'm leaving that soon...I'm leaving the place where I truly feel home, the place where I become better, happier, normal and more stable. I'm only staying for a couple of days, and that isn't ever enough. I'm just getting started, and now I have to leave soon. I have only been healed but still I didn't get enough. I'm supposed to be here to give out my best, but I wasted my two days in taking from the place and not giving any. Now, I only hope that it's true, and that I got enough of what I need in order to start all over again.

Because by facing reality I'll have to leave, I cannot stay here for many reasons that I also believe in. It gets complicated when you have to choose between two things that are both right. It's hard to decide when you have to consider others, as well as yourself. And although that decision is totally for your own sake and everyone around you is ready to do anything for your own relief, it's still hard to say that this's how things will be, they will be the way you and only you want them to be. That's how I think and that's why I'll leave.

It's just a state of mind. A state I build in my mind saying that I'm better staying here rather than going back there. So, maybe if I just switch places - in my head; if I just create another state of mind. If I just become more focused on the end of the road and not on how the road is paved. For I believe it all happens in your head, the reality you think you're living came from inside you and no one but you.
I hope it's as simple as this. I believe I can make it. I promise, I'm trying.

I still have one more day to spend here in the place I call my home. And I'm getting the best I could ever get out of here, I'm getting the best I could get out that one day left.

And to make my first days of this new year remarkable, I'm marking them by spending them here in my best place ever.

And I'm coming back again...