"Because I'm complicatedly simple, imperfectly perfect and silently loud. Here's where I'll rest my head and scream out loud."
I'm just talking to myself very randomly and in a very much unorganized haze. Never thinking that you might pass by and read it, but if you did, then please, just read if you truly believe it's worth reading. And it'll be hard, not easy at all, so you shall take it all or leave it all. Make up your mind and proceed. And it has nothing to do with you. :)
Again, I repeat. It shall be too hard read, that I think you wouldn't want to!
March, 23, 2012
It's almost a year now since I last wrote in my dark side. I miss writing so much, this kind of writing, the writing where you just write freely, with no care of what words you'd choose, or how many commas a sentence should have, or what grammar should apply the best. You just write fearing nothing. You write to let out all the thoughts you have in your mind. And I miss here, not the dark side but this Thoughts blog. I miss the reason of why it was made. It's the first place, my home land on which I grew to love the idea of writing. But right now, I can't feel that this is my home, I don't feel like I'm welcome to write anything over here! And I miss the typing processing. That believe me when I say that right now I feel like I don't know how to type and I'm doing so much spelling mistakes, but I'm correcting them. And yes, did I mention that in free writing as well you should not put line spaces, just put down a stream of words the same way they come on your mind. Write what you hear yourself saying inside your mind. It's easy right? Okay, right now I totally and really have nothing to say, there's nothing on my mind. I just want to write so much. Because I believe that writing heals, it was the only way that makes me think, analyze and resolve my issues. But here I am trying to write and nothing, just nothing is coming out. Yes maybe I've lost my dreams. I no longer can recognize my dreams. I've had a lot of plans. And nothing had I achieved yet! Someone had once told me that my writings are too negative and that, well maybe, that's why they don't like to read it. But that's someone a just one, why the hell do I care at all, why do I find this a stumbling stone in my writing path. I'm trying as much as I could to choose the thoughts I write about, the messages I'm sharing, and the news I'm telling the people outside there about me. And that's why, maybe, I fail to write, because I over think what to write. I wasn't that kind of a person. I was more courageous in writing, I was someone who writes all that he thinks and feels without ever the need to be afraid if anyone gets him. But then, things changed, did I grow, or did the world took of the mask it was wearing? Now, I don't write because I'm too afraid of what the people might like and what they might not! Sometimes, I pass this, and write anything I'm thinking about, but that's not happening all of the time. And then there's the other problem that is taking me away of writing. The TIME. I don't have the time to do all that I need to do in my life. I don't have it! Though I do have it! And right now, for example, I'm supposed to be working and studying, but instead I'm here writing about how I desperately want to write and I can't! I remember the night I stayed up all night writing a story till I finished it all! How I wish for another night like that one!! .. Blank again, here I go. Yeah, about working and studying, I truly have no idea, not at all! My work requires a lot of studying, and that thing I'm not worried about. But the fact that I am a so lazy human being. I don't study as well as I'm supposed to. And this makes me think that maybe I need to work in something that requires no studying at all! Tell you a funny thing. I've met, yesterday, the girl who has graduated with the highest grades among my college class. And she's currently working in the same career as mine. Let us see, I rank the 16th, or something like it, if you start counting from the bottom, the least grades. And here's the funny thing, she doesn't want to continue this career, she wants a job where she could work all day long, from 8 am till 5 pm, for example, and then she heads home, sleep, watch TV, go out with her friends, and that's it. She's done studying! She doesn't want to study anymore. Although the fact that she has graduated with the very highest of grades, makes her a geek, in my eyes! On the other hand, there's me, I do love to study and know more, and I do love to teach, a lot. But my grades says that I'm not capable of doing this. And my lazy nature agrees. So who am I, I'm wondering?! Am I a normal person? Am I?? Or am I dark and twisty? Am I someone who just talks a lot? A LOT! and does nothing, nothing at all??!! SO?! what shall I do? Shall I continue with studying and teaching, or shall I look harder for something else. Wait a second, who told me that that something else would be any less tiring? Still, I believe my lazy self shall interfere and gets me back to the dark side of me. Btw, if you've read my earlier dark-side posts, you'll notice that it's my lazy self who is ruining my life. I'm trying, I'm really trying so damn hard to fix it. Or maybe I'm the one who is putting it in situations that makes it unwilling to fix itself?! Like studying!! And then there's writing, my other passion, the passion that I used to have. I still do have it, I swear, but maybe I got used to have it that it lost its edge. Like, okay, I'm a writer and I love to write. Then what?! Don't I have to show it to the world? I have had plans. A plan to publish a book, yes I do have a folder on my desktop that says "My first book", but it has been there for the past four months. Maybe you'd say that this is okay, four months aren't such a long time. But for me, they are. Because I'm so ready to publish it, just if I worked on it hard for two weeks only. Can't I give two weeks of my precious time to my book?! And I have a plan to start up a magazine! I've already worked on this really hard, but every now and then I reach a deadlock, and I don't have the keys! And I had a plan of starting a series of posts on this blog. Maybe it's because of that pinky color covering my blog, I'm not a pinky person! (if it had changed, then know that it was pink and I've changed it, I have done something about it!) But again, I don't feel like I'm ready. I'm not ready to face the world. I'm so broken that I can't get fixed. And I trying to hold myself up with some glue, but it can't stop getting ruined again. By every negative word I hear, and every kind of tough situation I get into, I get broken all over again. And I hate my life. I hate that the weeks pass me by and I don't recognize any of them. I no longer know what day are we? I do know it, but it just doesn't get stuck in my head. And the time pass. And I'm not living. Yes I do feel like I can't face life, not right now. I don't want to go to work, tomorrow, I'm not ready to face the people there. I don't want to write, I don't have the word enough to inspire the world. I don't want to meet my friends, I can't hold seeing them moving forward with their lives, and I'm not. I don't want to think, because I'm not ready with any plan. Yes I wish if I could just stop being alive. But what's the other option? Dying? No I'm not ready for that too!! A deadlock, here it is, a dead-end and there aren't any u-turns. And it's all because of you?! Can you now tell me where the hell are you? And what have you done to me? and Why? Why are you who you are? Why haven't you been someone else?! I really wish to continue and just keep on talking forever, like I'd never get bored, and I'll keep on looping forever till maybe I could find a way to find some peace with myself and my life. But I can't stay. I have an ugly silly voice bothering me with some silly words to make you leave here. So good night, now. And I'll come again. I promise. Some day soon!
Again and again, if you have anything to say to me, Please do. I need it a lot! You know how to find me. And what I most importantly need is your prayers, so Pray for me!
June, 22, 2011
"The only problem in your life is your mind's resistance to life as it unfolds." - Dan Millman
What shall I say? I have no idea. I can't take life anymore, I'm too burdened that I can't think or do anything in my life right now. I don't want to listen to people's plans; I don't want to listen to people's activities about living, things like going shopping to buy a new dress for that major event that's taking place in a week. I'm invited, you know, actually I have to go but I can't handle the burden of going. I'll be happy I know, but I don't want to do what it takes to go. To go and be happy, I have to work and work hard, but I really can't, I mean I don't have the emotional capability to work for that thing which I have to work for it. And then here's this thing in my life, graduation. Yes I want to graduate so hard, I want to end how my life is going on right now and start a brand new life. But to graduate, I have to become up to the level. I have to pass a couple of courses, things that I don't understand, things I didn't learn properly to be examined about them and pass the exam. I have to work in a project to show that I can work practically in this field I'm studying, but I don't actually want to work practically in that field. And I actually don't work, I don't know how. I have no idea how my graduation project is working. I didn't do a thing in it, and don't say no, I didn't do a thing in it! And now, what can I do? I don't know, I have no idea. Someone has to tell me what to do, but no one says. Actually no one has enough knowledge to tell me what to do. Plus I actually can't help them, I too below the level they have reached and I don't know what to do to catch them up. Plus the main problem is, they themselves have problems, plenty of them, things that just don't work how hard they try. And the thing is I know I can help them, I just need to understand what's happening, what is the problem, and then maybe I can help them. But no one actually asks for my help. And I don't know how to offer it! Don't they know that I'm already offering? Okay, there's that part about the work, the part which I can do. But I won't be able to do it all alone, I want to, but actually they won't let me, they won't accept, and not just for me but it's actually for themselves. So, I can't be proud that all that I did in that project was that thing. And another thing, the negative voice they speak with. It just makes me uncomfortable to stay in such an atmosphere. But it's okay, they have their excuses, nothing is working on well with them either. And I bet they have the exact same feelings, negative feelings, I'm having right now. I bet they too can't handle the burden of the work, but they are stronger than who I am to work very hard and not to complain about it, at least not to complain about it in front of everyone else, just inside themselves. I couldn't. And that's the main reason why I can't talk to anyone of them just can't. And actually I can't blame anyone for not listening to me. If I want to be listened, then I've got to work, do and don't just say. I'm taking a decision right now. I won't be there at the same place where they are, just because I don't feel good when we are all gathered like that in one place, and when I don't feel good, my attitude turns bad, and I'm afraid to hurt anyone by anything I do. Just like this moment right now I should be working, yes on that only part I could do, but actually I'm writing this what I'm writing right now. I really don't feel free, don't feel myself comfortable enough when I'm with them, even when they are singing and trying to enjoy their time, even their jokes and laughs, they simply don't get me to laugh too and get the hell out of this what I trap myself into. And I'm considering letting you read this, I don't know if you're really going to read it or not. But if you are, then you have to know that I didn't mean to burden you with my negative feelings as I always do. But for some reason I feel like I need to say them, and you're the only one who pops in my head to listen to me. Sometimes I really hate that I burden you with my negativities, especially when I know that you already have your own and you don't need anyone to overload you with negativity. I know that positivity is what we need, what I have to be spreading, but I'm sorry, right now deep down I'm filled with negativity and I really hate that they are there deep down. I want them out. I'm sorry; I had to handle myself first before I come here. So maybe I won't be back till I work it out with myself. And I promise I'll work and do what it takes to end this suffer I'm living in right now and start a new unknown world. Yes, the unknown that's what I wish to run to right now.
Again, if you have anything to say to me, Please do. I need it a lot! -- Though I know that the chances you read this are much less than few!
June, 06, 2011
"معرفش ليه تنحت للدنيا كدة" -- علي سلامة
Things aren't good yet. I fail to amaze myself. And I can't handle all the obligations that I have to handle, I don't want to do them nor that I know what the things I want to do are. It's not even like I want to quit! I have millions of reasons to keep going. I want to win and I know that "Quitters are not winners." So no, it's not quitting that I want! But I need a push, a very long and strong push actually. But that push has to be right! Now how can I get the right push if I already don't know what is that I want to push?! Complicated, isn't it? I wonder why I'm this much complicated. Life is much easier than all of this. It's me who can't stop thinking of the ideal words but never doing any of them that irritates me deeply. Then comes my life disappointment, myself disappointing me! Facing the fake me! Shouldn't I be the one who knows the answers to every question I wonder about and question? Not because I know everything, but because when others question the same questions I usually answer them with an answer. I look like I know it all, but I don't. I seek to heal others but I never heal me. And I'm in a need of healing so much. This time I'm hurt by me. Actually no one can hurt me as much as I can hurt myself, and I believe it's vice versa, no one can heal me as much as I can heal myself, at least to get strong enough to heal others. And that thing about healing others heals you too, it's not always true. Maybe it's time. Time will heal me. But I've given time and myself too many chances that all have failed. I don't blame time, I still only blame me. Maybe because I haven't tried in any other way than the way that I always try. But I know no other ways. But I don't even seek to know other ways. And if I do, I never try them. I'm too lazy. No not me, but myself who is too lazy. And it seems that nothing is going to train it to work harder. Again it's me who has to be the trainer, no one else. Then comes the fact that it's always you, everything revolves around you, you have to be your own hero, your own savior, no one can help you better than you, at the end you are all alone left by yourself...you you you! You're in charge of yourself, you're in control. You have a huge, a very huge responsibility and that just scars me. -- If you got lost now, I told you it won't be easy to read me at such a moment.-- Yes, I'm so much scared, I'm afraid, afraid of myself mostly. And no I can't help myself get out of that cave, the cave where I'm hiding because I'm afraid, and face the world with more faith in myself. But again, it's the too many mistakes, same mistakes, that I make that let me lose the faith in me. Okay, I'll let my faith only be in Allah. But that too, I sometimes question! I don't even work hard for that faith. I let myself lose the way, intentionally. It's like I'm killing myself. And again I say, I don't want to do so, I don't want to give up or quit. And I'll keep on trying, trying and trying. See how fake am I? I say I'll try, though I've lost faith! What kind of trial is that, if I don't believe? What kind of trial is that if I don't change my way? What kind of trial is that if I'm still scared? What kind of trail is that if I'm too lazy to try? It's a loop, a dead lock actually. To try to feel safe and not scared you have to have courage. No, let me complicate it more. You can only change and be not lazy when you are not lazy. Complicated enough? Have you got it? In order to solve the problem, you have to have the solution, then how can you even try to solve the problem if you don't have the solution. Yes, now it's complicated enough to be understood. Realizing that truth now, has a little bit gave me some power. Now, I got something! It's all about you, because it's always you who understands you the best. No one can ever claim to understand you better than you? That's why it has to be you no one else. Okay, this truth is still scary. I want someone else to understand me better than how I understand myself and only then that someone can successfully replace me in that being my own hero thing, and maybe, just maybe, that one might succeed in that mission then. Now I get it too, this is why I always wish to be someone else, someone who thinks differently than how I think. And just why, do I always seek the easy solution? The hard one is to actually change your own way of thinking. Now why I seek the easy solution, not the hard one? Which by the way, the hard solution is easier because simply the hard solution is the one easier to be applied as the easy solution is just a wish. It's the same like you wish to have a flying car, or to fly like a bird and actually inventing a plane. Inventing is harder than wishing but inventing is applicable than wishing is. Again, why do I seek the easy hard to implement solution, it's because I'm so lazy to seek the hard easy to implement solution. And in order to seek the hard solution I must not be lazy, and actually being lazy is the problem that I seek to solve. I got it, did you? Now, someone might easily say that the solution is as simple as this: Get over yourself and don't be lazy. And there's also another very creative solution, a one that holds only one word: Act! Didn't I tell you? I'm simply complicated. And that's the only thing that I love about myself. But that isn't going to get me anywhere. I have to find something else.
نفسي ابقى حد غيري, نفسي يتغر مصيري, نفسي ابقى حر اكتر أو اطير زي الحمام" -- هاني عادل - وسط البلد"
Enough for now! I lost what I needed to say else. But I think I have more. I don't know. All I know for now is that I have to let that go, because there are other things that need to be done rather than just thinking about doing them. I'll go try again, try to seek a solution. Wish me luck. :)
And if you have something to say, please say; that might just make my day! :)
June, 04, 2011
اللهم اني اشكو اليك ضعف قوتي و قلة حيلتي و هواني على الناس..
Okay, I need to let things out! I just can't figure what's wrong with me! But I'm having no interest at all in life! And it's this only one thing I love to do, to write, but I even can't get along with that too. I have millions, and I mean it, millions of thoughts inside my head waiting to be written but nothing is getting out. Writing is my healing and since I don't write then it means that I'm not healing. And writing for me is a daily medication that if I forgot one day, bad consequence might happen. I don't know why or how, but I suddenly felt like I don't want to open up to people and talk to them with a wide open heart. I don't want to tell them I'm here. I'm disappearing unintentionally. It's something that runs in my veins, I don't like the crowed! When too many people are gathered, I step back, not in! And when I get the feeling that my place is already filled I don't even try to go and look for it. That's why I don't feel like replying a long threaded mail, because everyone has already replied, what else I should say. That's why I like to be the first to reply or comment. Like the thing that's going on right now as I write this, I'm not joining it, though I'd love to, but it's too crowded there and so I hate being there, it aches my heart! I hate repeating words. I guess it's a good principle though, if you have something good, useful and additional to say, say it or you shall remain silent. But it's me disappearing that worries me. Sometimes, I just reply to say I'm there and I know what's happening and going on. And sometimes I just don't reply because then I really couldn't speak. That's the thing about my silence and my love for it. Talking is sometimes exhausting especially when my heart is not open to speak. Talking for me is the one thing I can't do easily. So if you ever caught me talking too much, Please don't let me stop and keep listening to me, because that will help me as I don't speak much. And those, who can get me to say anything that pops into my mind, they are truly very special people to my heart. I hope they know themselves. And maybe they won't ever know, maybe I'll never tell them and maybe they'll never ask. Here comes something irritating, it's the place I hold for you in my heart, the place you never or ever will hold it for me in your heart. And another thing that has just happened now, your comments, your depressing irritating comments, the comments that just tell me in the face that I'm worthless, till when should I keep taking them, standing them? Then comes you, too, and I hate how I get that feeling that we're too far away though we are actually very close. I hate it when I feel you're kind of away though you're actually here standing right next to me. What is it that's missing? But you, another you, you're the sweetest thing in my life and I truly wish to love the way you love me, I wish I love you with devotion, because that's the least you deserve. Finally you came along, you took my heart with a single word and it was like I found myself in you, and strangely I found myself attached in every possible way to take care of you and be taken care of by you. You're myself when I like to get out of myself. That's too confusing I know you got lost as you read this, now you get that you is you who reads this, but the previous you-s were different, they are actually five different you-s. And that's reading this is hard for you. Don't mind that. Human relations are the hardest of all things, indeed. Isn't that what's life is all about? Now comes me, and that's a whole different story. I'm over burdened with all emotions. And I over burden others with me too. I lost my peace and I have no idea how will I get it back. And it hurts even more when I think that it actually shouldn't have been lost and loosing it is something that I make up everyday. I lost the trust in me. But I keep my state of denial because facing myself now will actually break me down very hard. Yes I fear breaking down, especially now in the time that I have to keep holding on. And why do I have to keep holding on, why don't I just go break down?! Now, I like to think of it this way, that I'm actually courageous enough to decide to keep holding on rather than breaking down, but it's the tool I'm using, staying in denial, is what shouldn't be, but I've lost all the other tools.
How about enough with that? I feel much better now. I just crossed the line between me and talking. Thank you! :) And if you have something to say, please do, that might just make my day! :)