Tuesday, December 28

Happy New Year!

A new year is on your door, sealed up tight, wrapped up with curiosity and hope, holding mysterious days for you to live. It's beautifully designed, yet unpredictable. You're curious to open it, but you're afraid of what you are to witness. You're opening it anyway. And you're grateful it came to your door.


Three days and a whole new year begins. Three days and you'll be gifted another 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days and 52,600 hours of happiness, struggle, progress, growth and experience.

Three days and the year that five years ago I thought was a year that's too far away will begin. It's a year I thought was in the long future. I couldn't even think of it as a possible year coming. And here it is, I've lived to watch myself living to year 2011.

And I don't know what to think. Should I be happy? I know I'm grateful that I lived this long. It's just that the years have passed too quickly. I regret the day that passed without living it to the fullest. Sometimes I do wish to rewind my days to set things right or to just stay living the happy memorable moments I have lived and make them even more memorable. I admit, I'm a little scared of what 2011 has for me. I've never been scared of a coming year like this before. But this year I am, for I don't have any clue of what's ahead of me. Whenever I try to think, I go blank. Yes, I have some plans, but I have no idea how will they go!

That was watching 2011 coming. But watching 2010 going is also exactly the same. It was a year that I was longing for so long, and it did come, and here it's going without leaving a notice. I can't remember like today a year ago, I can't remember how or when it started. I can't recall all that has been through the year. But to think what was the best that happened to me in 2010, I think a big part of my life has changed. There's only one thing on my mind that I've achieved through this year, and it's the best of all. It's a thing that will stay forever in my memories.

I feel like I'm stuck between two years. One I'm totally scared to go through, and another I'm wishing to rewind to keep it in my memories a bit longer. But there's only one way to take and it's moving forward. It seems like it needs a courageous man to keep moving on a path without knowing what the next step will look like. But here I am ready and willing to face 2011 with every faith I have that this year will be an outstanding one. I'm not giving up today.

And to learn from the past. I'm marking today in my memory to remember it next year, inshaa'Allah.

I wish you a Happy New Year full of happiness, success, many memorable days and great achievements.

A new year is unfolding like a blossom with petals curled tightly concealing the beauty within.

 

Saturday, December 25

I was blind one day...

I had my eyes covered, I was blindly driven...

It's true that feelings change and perspectives differ by time. Today I look at my past and I laugh...I laugh at how I used to see things. I laugh at how I was so blind and so driven towards a fake reality. I couldn't believe I have let go my principles for something that truly wasn't right at all. I laugh at how fearless and stubborn I was to walk through this deadly path. I laugh at how I thought it was a challenge doing it the wrong way and waiting for miracles at the same time. Was I this naive to be driven to such a loosing risk?

Strange that right now I can't remember how I was feeling. I remember I was overwhelmed. I remember I was motivated on doing something completely wrong. But honestly I totally can't see why. I can't remember what was making me keep on moving through that dead ended path. I could say at least I was happy and that's one point in favor of my past, but that's not the case. The happiness of lust I had was something that never last for long. It's gone now and I'm left by nothing. So, what was in it for me? Nothing, just a couple of years I've missed living right! And that's the only thing I regret. How much I missed just because I was afraid of missing. I didn't play the game right. I took the wrong risk. I held on to the card I thought was magical, the card I'd  lose everything without it. Although the winning risk was letting it go. The truth is I've lost everything by holding on to it.

Yes, I sometimes do regret how I was for the past couple of years. I sometimes just wish if I have never been through any of what I've been through. Yes I think I've lost myself there. But, now that I'm getting myself back. I think I would have never felt grateful for who I am right now and who I was except by losing myself and finding it again. It's the same like you never know what you have got till you lose it! I lost myself once and now I'm searching for me. I was this close to the biggest loss. I know I've lost a lot. But the loss could have been more. I have been being driven badly to the darkest of places. And no one is to be blamed but me. Now I thank God for giving me the guide to truth, for giving me the chance to observe this different perspective. Maybe this time I would even find a better version of me.

I just wish I learn. I wish I never go back there ever again! I don't need it, I know this very well. I deserve something much better, for there is what's truly perfect. Funny how I let go my perfectionism for something that isn't perfect at all. That's not happening again. Now I see, I'm no longer blind and I trust myself. Thank God for how strong I am right now. And I pray I keep this strength for long.

الحمد لله

Thursday, December 23

Discrete Thoughts...

- This year I have learnt alot; and all that I have learnt makes me feel that my life is all ahead of me to enjoy and do all the things I've just learnt, the things I wish to do.


- Now I know. If there's one thing I have to improve, that will be my concetration and FOCUS ON WHAT I really want TO DO.


- To myself: "Salma, never forget this. You're someone totally great and amazing. And no one has the right to make you feel otherwise."


- I thank the day God let you be in my life. And I thank you for selecting my life to get involved with.


- My life has changed by a single phone call that I answered on a rush.


- Behind my smile is everything you'll never know or understand. Though I wish you do one day...


- Today I looked at you and I thought you deserve more than a smile.


- And you come to my dreams to make my days...Thank you!

Monday, December 13

The game of life

No one will ever know what he has been through...

  No one will know how the pain was or how had he struggled to keep that smile, the smile that everyone wished to have, for he didn't tell anyone about all that has been going on back in his own lonely life. He never let anyone recognize that there was something wrong, something hidden. And although he always needed a support, he never asked for help. He knew that this would only add to their pains and never cure his. For him, that was wasting energy and hurting others, that wasn't what he wanted.

 So, he made it short. He kept that smile on. He preserved that shine in the way he looks and smiles to everyone. He kept loving and giving like a river that never dries. He was the kindest. His heart was open to everyone. He was the most forgiving person anyone could have known. He knew that nothing else mattered than people's love. Everyone loved him, everyone needed him and everyone used his support. And the strangest is that his heart was never tight to bear anyone's sadness, like anything could fit in. What was stranger is that whenever he felt weak, nothing gets him stronger except a call of help from a friend, like he takes his energy only because others needed him badly. He was the candle that lights better when it gets darker. He was everyone's candle.

 It was like he was the happiest person on earth, to them. They saw him the most optimistic, hopeful and strongest person they have ever seen. They never thought of him as a man with a deep sadness within. But no one was ever courageous enough to get deep inside of him and know what it that he's keeping and bearing in his heart is. No one tried to know what does his life misses. They thought there was nothing. Nor that he opened the door for anyone to get in and discover. He never showed a weakness. He didn't know how to be weak.

 At his hardest times, he used to run away from everyone, before anyone could notice that the candle's light he was holding was fading away. And he had times when he wondered why there isn't anyone beside him to support him. He wondered why life has put him in this situation alone. Times when he wished someone would light for him the way to his own candle that was at that moment a little far away. But he believed in not taking from anyone's light, he didn't want to share the light of others, he didn't want to seem selfish or hopeless. That's how he healed himself, healing others was his way. That was what motivates him to find his candle, or even go and buy a new one, a new larger and more living candle that could give a brighter light to all who are around him, and even to him.

 But definitely, that wasn't easy. His feelings were always confusing. At times he felt lost. He missed living a normal life. His life was either at its happiest peaks where he's around people having fun and spreading the hope or at its most painful peaks alone struggling and couldn't move a finger. He had times where he thought he was all fake, times when he thought he doesn't have the hopes he gives others. And others when he felt he was a disappointment only because he was a little late searching for the candle that lights the world.

But he really wasn't faking any of that happiness and strength. He was fighting really strong. He was fighting alone in a battle where there's no one by his side and his enemies were all different, strong and fighting against him. Even his own self was an enemy. It was a battle that no one would ever dare to get in. But he won! The battle was his to win worthily, for he planned to win from the start. He recognized that if he had failed this battle, then it could have been the worst failure anyone could ever fail. And if he won, then that would be a victory everyone dreams to have. So, he valued the opportunity he was given. He thanked God for it, and promised not to lose it. Yes, he didn't win against his illness, he didn't win against death. But he won living the life everyone was wishing for. He won being the smile in everyone's life. He didn't win anything for his own, but he won everything for his existing.

He believed he was dying already, so he lived each day as his last. And only by that did he manage to actually live forever. He lived in everyone else's life, stories and memories, the things that never die or fade away. For everyone, he never really died, in their hearts he remained, in their stories he lived forever. And no one will ever know or tell the struggling part of his life, the part that truly has no reason to live any longer.

Yes he lost life. But he won the game of life!

Sunday, December 12

Disappointing...

    Sometimes we wish life could give us second chances, or times we wish to rewind just to make the right choice back then. Yes, you learn from your mistakes, and you think that the next time you'd be put in the same situation you would then do the right thing. But it's not about the next time or learning from a mistake. It's about missing an opportunity and being put in such a bad situation. There's a price for learning, but it's not about paying the cost, it's about letting others down. It's how you feel about yourself  and how you see it that matters. And actually sometimes, you don't learn this much. You don't learn as much as bad as you committed that mistake.

Friday, December 3

A story that never ends

She says:
"It was perfect. Everything was exactly as I wanted. I was happy and satisfied with it, the way it was. And I think I was doing great. Because I've been busy, too busy lately, and there still was something. At the end of our day, however our day was, when we go to sleep at night, at least for me, I know there's someone somewhere out there who's loving me, missing me and wishes for just an hour to be spend together. I thought that was something. And something enough to be great, even perfect.


But, it wasn't like this a month ago. A month ago, love for me wasn't being free, love was a commitment. I hated it this way that I started to doubt the love I have for him. I didn't wish to commit to this side of love. Specially because now is not the time for love to be a commitment, now is time for love to be inspiring and an energy source. And, because for a whole month, I've been discovering a new side of the love I have, the side I think is perfect, I've become afraid of how it would turn out? How much will it last? 


Unfortunately, it didn't last, just as I expected! Though he was loving unconditionally, he was always in doubt that I love him back. I kept doing my best to prove him wrong and still preserve the side I love about love. But, it all was in vain, when I did that one thing, just one thing to prove his doubts. One thing I wasn't completely aware of. One thing, because I was a little biased to preserving my loved side of love, being somewhat not committed, being trustful of each other's feelings, however was the case. And that was it, the end of my perfect phase."


He says:
"My passion was high. I loved her like I never did before. I gave her everything. I appreciated, I waited, I showed every compassion I could ever show. She kept my heart and mind haunted by her, everything about her. Missing her was my habit. Loving her was the only thing I'm living for. I never let a chance to pass without telling her how much I love her, how much I miss her, how much I wish to see her, and that just talking to her wasn't enough for me. I would have done anything just to be with her in every minute of her life. I needed her to start living my life. And I kept being beside her. I kept on proving to her all of my true sincere feelings.


But lately, she has been strange. Like she loves me less now. She used to fight for me more. She did more for me before than she does now. I know she has been busy with her own life. I know that for now, each one of us has his own life, we're not sharing our lives yet. And I know we both love each other so much. But I don't know, I keep doubting her feelings for me. Even though every time that I ask her, she proves me wrong, by words! And I believed her. I kept on believing her. But I believe more in acts than in words. And she knows this! I've been trusting her love to the max. I've been believing the words although her acts were proving otherwise. I kept on appreciating. I kept on loving unconditionally. She has always been asking for a total belief in her words. She needed me to trust her. And I did as much as I could. 


I only needed one act to prove the words right. One act of her showing love more than I do. I needed to be felt and loved deeply. I needed to know her love is there and let it recharge my passion. I kept waiting for this act for so long that I couldn't keep on any more. My motive to love unconditionally began to grow less. I didn't appreciate this time.


On that day, I couldn't handle the feeling of being ignored by her. I couldn't handle the feeling of being the only one who appreciates. I wanted her to care enough. And she didn't. And that was it. That was when It was proved that her words she kept deceiving me with, the words she kept me blindly believing, are totally wrong. I faced her with this fact. That she doesn't love me as I do truly love her. And, as expected, she didn't act. She never acts! Just words I have to believe and that's it. 


Enough is enough. Let her learn the responsibility of the feelings she says she has for me!"


She, again, says:
"Maybe, he's right. Maybe I don't love him this much. Maybe not as I used to. But hell no. If I don't love him, then why do I still badly need him in my life. Yes, I needed him less lately. But I never needed his love less. His love to me is like the air I breathe. How can I not need air? Doesn't he know this? I believe he knows. I trust him when he tells me that he'll never leave me ever again. I trust his love to surround me wherever I go. That's why it hurts so much when he doubts my love. And he leaves me with thinking, is he right? He makes me go over and assess my acts. I find myself guilty, yes I know. But when questioning my deep emotions, my heart, I find it overwhelmed by love of him! No, he is not right.


Yes, maybe I didn't value that perfect relation I had. Maybe I took it for granted. Maybe I took his love for granted. But not every being taken for granted is bad, sometimes it means that you have become a comfortable, trusted element in someone else's life. I trusted his love too much that I thought he trusted mine as much. I forgot that he's someone who doesn't believe in believing. He's someone who needs acts to support words. And my acts recently have been not that expressing. And it's all because I wanted to preserve a something for me, something to satisfy me, not him, in this relation.


Now, does he has the right not to trust me?"


And he says:
"But I deeply love her. I don't want her to start worrying. She has her life to live, and I want her to live it normally, live it as she likes. I don't want to control her. I'm there to love her. I only needed her to love me back. Although I'm in a deep need to set rules, rules that will keep my dignity.


Now nothing I can do, except giving her a chance to prove me wrong. I'll keep my distance, till she acts. I'll stay acting as I act. I'll only keep my love to myself. I'm done with showing unconditioned love. Not that I can control it but I'm really honest with my feelings and I can't give any now.


Let her act!"


She says:
"He's acting normal, like nothing is there. But I know I can't breathe. It's his love not around me. Does he think I wouldn't recognize? Does he think I would survive?


I'm waiting him to give my life back to me. I'm waiting for his love to come back. Only then I can tell him again and again that I love him so much. He has to know that I'm not breathing. 


Am I selfish?


I think I've got to call him. I've got to act to breathe again, to get my air back."




They never stop telling, nor will they ever...





Tuesday, November 30

Persistence and Procrastination

These are two words I've learned and felt this year.

They are two opposite words.
When one is there, the other disappears.
If you get to start with one, you could never end up with the other.

Each of them kills the other!
You can never tell which is the stronger.

But, they both has to have a motive.
The first is powered by passion and will.
The second is powered by laziness and luxury.

The first is good. The second is evil. They are both inside you.
And there's always a fight between good and evil. Let the Good win.

Only one of them could be the dominant, and the other will need many and many trainings. When it's the second, never rest till you train the first. When it's the first, thank God and take cautions of the second.

The first, because it's good, brings all the good in life with it.
But the second, because it's evil, kills everything in life that faces it, like it likes to be the only thing living.

Fight for the good and kill procrastination before it kills you.

Be in control and start with Persistence. Work on the motives.

May God be with you. :)

Surprizingly

I opened up to the only person I thought I'm not going to trust anymore! And it seemed to be the most right thing that could have been done.


I had amazing moments just after I had my weakest.


I'm already there, without even remembering how did I get there. I got everything I wished for and dreamed about. So, it's my time to shine, my time to live.


I'm truly blessed! 


Al hamdul-Allah :)


Now, I hope things stay this way a bit longer this time. I'm holding up as much as I can stand. And I'm planning to stand more than before. Inshaa'Allah. :)



Friday, November 26

Memories

Everyday passes is a day to become a memory for the next day.

And today I've been through memories.

Today I called an old friend, a very dear old friend of mine, to wish him a happy birthday. :)
Though we don't talk much, we actually don't talk at all, but we still remember each other on the special occasions. It's such a valuable relation. It's something to be proud of. something that amazes me. For I know him for eight years by now!  He's someone who enriched my life with so many. He is like a brother to me.
One way or another I have to think about it this way, I wouldn't have been who I am right now if he wasn't in my life. Thanks for being part of my life. :)

Today I found my thirteen years old dairy. I had a dairy where I told my stories when I was thirteen! Remembering that made me impressed. For how could I forget the wonderful things I had in my life. Thanks for you, diary, to make me remember, thanks for the thirteen years old me.
My handwriting was a disaster. I couldn't believe! The way I wrote was not bad. I've been having the talent for so long. I think it's the passion that develops the talent.
But comparing the thirteen years old me with who I am right now, that's what I failed to do. It looks like it's the same me, the same person, the same Salma. just a little older but no wiser. :) Well, maybe a little wiser. I've evolved one way or another as everything else does. That's one thing I believe and I'm happy with it. It's natural. :)

And also today, I've been searching through my stuff. Things that trigger the most recent memories. The memories of Today, the memories of this year I'm actually passing through.
I had times when I thought this year wouldn't be a memorable one, bad times. But, having all these memories proved to me that it's a year I'm gonna miss.

Then from now on, I won't dis-value my days, my upcoming memories. I want to remember everything. I wish I could capture every second of my life. That wouldn't happen except when I focus on enjoying each minute I live and make it memorable as much as possible. Maybe, I should start my twentieth diary :)

Thursday, November 25

At least I tried...

"I wanted to help. I tried. But I failed. At least I tried!" 

It's so hurtful to feel helpless, specially when you want to help the most. You want them to know that you would like to share, you want to help. You just don't know how! And whenever you try, you fail to be up to their expectations. Now, their expectations are inverted, you think. They don't expect you to help anymore, neither that they know that you want to. Or you believe they don't trust you to help. That's what YOU think! 


If that is true, then know it's all your fault. For you haven't put the trusting image from the start. You're the one responsible for such a distrust you get. You feel pathetic. But, that is only what YOU think! 

It's all a matter of what you think. And know that you are what you think you are, it's all about your thoughts! 

However you think what you think, just NEVER STOP TRYING. One day, you'll know what was worth it. One day, you'll understand that you haven't failed at all. You were succeeding in every other aspect. You just couldn't get the whole picture at first. 
And if you stopped! Then one day you'll regret that act...


Tuesday, November 23

Obsessed .... again !

There was the first obsessionIt seems like this state has no intentions to leave. 

----

It's not like a love from first sight. It's about being very impressed, being amazed and totally obsessed about someone.

Every time she sees him she gets even more obsessed. He's charming; he takes her soul away. Now she's over that phase of skipping a beat every time she sees him, now she's drown deep into his face as he speaks. She loses time and place whenever she's with him. Nothing seems to attract her more than his voice. He even looks more charming to her every time she sees him. She feels flattered when he smiles back at her and when he addresses words only to her. She's over the moon when she hears him mentioning her name to someone else.


Remembering each detail of how it went keeps her smiling to herself till she get caught. Remembering every incident of being close to him makes her shiver. When it's all over she stays speechless; she keeps living the moments all over again inside her head. And when she's totally not aware of what's happening around, she find herself whispering "Oh, how do I love him this much??!"


She acts as if she knows everything about him, and she really gets down if she found someone else (specially a her) who knows something about him that she didn't know. Or even if she found "her" knowing something she thought she was the only one who knew.
She always seeks to be his favorite, his favorite student if he is a teacher, his favorite employee if he is a boss, even his favorite friend if he is just a friend. She wishes to be his special, no matter who he is.


She wants to impress him by every act she does, every word she says. She wants to get all his attention towards her, only her. And after every thing she does or says, she keeps watching him attentively like she's trying to read his mind just to know how she has affected him and what he thinks of her at this exact moment. She could do anything just for the sake to know how he thinks about her, like she's dying to find out that he's impressed too. She would die to be his special. She envies the girl he'll fall for one day, the girl he'll choose to be his special. But at the end, she knows, it's not her call.


After all of this, she still convinces herself that this is not love, that she's just obsessed. She has just have found the man of her dreams and she only wants to prove that the man of her dreams is someone real. She's amazed and impressed that she has found him for real and that she's that close to him. 


But is it reasonable to find the man of your dreams and let him go away? Is it reasonable to just get satisfied by the proof that he exists? Shouldn't you do whatever it takes to make your man of your dreams become your reality? 


If only she gets the chance...


Maybe it's true. Maybe it's not love, it's just an obsession. I believe this could happen. But despite all of this, she's still sure that if she gets the chance she'll fall deeply, deeply for him.

Now, I'm left with a wonder. The wonder of what is love? For love at this moment seems to me like something controllable, something that could change from one form into another as you demand. It feels strong that you know how to define your feelings. But still, there's something big and huge that I am about to discover right now. That that kind of love and obsession doesn't last for ever. That was only what it takes to fall in love. The motive to be in love, is that you like someone so much. So, if for any reason the interest, the obsession, is lost, then naturally the love is also lost. It's normal to like someone you don't love, but it's never reasonable to love someone you don't like, for the like is the motive of the love. It's so true, so reasonable. Then, maybe there's another motive for love that has to be found, another reason to keep the love going, for being obsessed is never enough. It's just a beautiful state to live for some moments. A beautiful dream. But never more!

--

Monday, November 22

Character of the week: Confucius « Paulo Coelho's Blog

Character of the week: Confucius « Paulo Coelho's Blog


  • By three methods we may learn wisdom:First, by reflection, which is noblest;Second, by imitation, which is easiest;and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
  • Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
  • Do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire.
    Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.
  • Faced with what is right, to leave it undone shows a lack of courage.
  • He who learns but does not think, is lost! He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger.
  • I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.
  • If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself.
  • It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.
  • It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get.
  • It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them.
  • Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
  • Look at the means which a man employs, consider his motives, observe his pleasures. A man simply cannot conceal himself!
  • Never contract friendship with a man that is not better than thyself.
  • Never give a sword to a man who can’t dance.
  • Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.

Confucius
(born around 551 B.C.) was a Chinese thinker and philosopher.


A fact to deal with...

However you're attached to someone, at the end of the day you are detached when you go to sleep, you are alone.
So, whatever you do, you have to learn how to live on your own.
At the end it's you're life that you're living, not someone else's life. How much you love to live someone else's life, you have to live your own life.
You have to be you, not someone else. Because simply you're counted as an individual human being who has an individual life, with an individual character and an individual self.
There's no escape from living your own life. There's no escape from being you. There's no escape from having the feeling that you're on your own, because, it's true, you're by yourself.
No one will ever know how perfectly to help you go on with your own life, but yourself. Deal with that...

This never fails to describe my state perfectly... It's my best!

حاله كده


معرفش ليه تنّحت للدنيا كده

فجأة لقيتني مسكون بالملل

لا عندي رغبة في البكا

ولا في الكلام

ولا عايز أنام

ولا حتى بسأل إيه ده ليه

و أخرتها إيه و إيه العمل

و أخاف أقول لأي حد

أحسن يقوم يقلبها جد

حد صاحبي ينزعج

يمد إيده في قلبه من باب الكرم

عشان يشاركني الألم

أو يستلفلي من لئيم حبّة أمل

حالة كده .. معرفش إيه

ملهاش معاد

ساعات تزورني في الربيع ..في الحر ..و في عز الشتا

و تجيب حاجات لا فيها روح ولا ميتة

حاله كده

..لا معاها تنفع كلمتين

ولا غنوتين

..ولا لقطه من ألبوم صور

..ألاقى قلبى ف الهوا ويا الكور

..أخاف اقول لأى حد

..أحسن يقوم يقلبها جد

..حاله كدة

.معرفش إيه

لكنى بطلع منها بعد السكات

..فاهم شوية في اللي فات

حاسس أوي بحضن الصحاب

..محظوظ أنا ساعات أشاور ينفتحلي ألف باب

لكنّي بغلط في الحساب

ومعرفش ليه تنحت للدنيا كدة



على سلامة

Take some rest..


Life, you and I are not on the same pace. You're moving in a different path than the path I'm loving to walk through. Please stop moving against me, or at lease wait till I catch you and then we can move together. Stop moving faster than me. We're not getting along this way. Why are you tough on me this way? Shouldn't we both be supporting each other? This way you're totally not helping.

Life, take some rest. Let me take the charge now, on my own terms. Let me move like how I wish to, not like how you're pushing me to move!

To my dream...

Dear dream,

Last night you came. You was beautiful as always. You seemed so real that I couldn't stand waking up and leaving you. But it's always your call, to come or to go.

And even when you decide to go and let me wake up to face my reality, you make my reality bearable. You give me the hope that it will be as beautiful as you were. Like you only come to inspire me and give me the energy to go on. However my life is frustrating or devastating, I know I'll find you at the end of the day when I go to sleep, to let me enjoy how beautiful you are, to spend some time with me. You're the only place I love to escape to. But again, it's not my call.

You come to me on my darkest nights to make my most beautiful days.

But what if one day you didn't come? I can't rely on you. It's either you become real or you just stop haunting my dreams, for you see, you can't stay except in my dreams. I mean you can never never be real. This just can't ever happen, I know, for if it happened, you won't be the beautiful dream anymore.
But you make my dreams look so real that I wish they really do come real and this hurts, even though being in my dreams makes my reality. Maybe you shouldn't stop haunting my dreams, but I just can't live on a dream or let my reality be based on a dream.

It's now hard to ask. Should I ask you to leave my dreams? Or should I ask you to stay? Maybe, I should ask you to become real!
At the end, it's not my call... I can't ask you nor you will ever listen? So, I'll leave it up to you and I know for sure that in my darkest nights, you'll come to make my brightest days.

But next time, please stay longer.

yours,
one of your dreamers...

Thursday, November 18

Signs...

Sometimes, it's all clear. Signs are everywhere. Signs are the things that come to you without the intention to face them; like for example reading a text that you wasn't meant to read or something that was sent to you by mistake. But you keep convincing yourself that this is not a sign, if it was then it would have been meant to come, and since it wasn't meant to come so it shouldn't be given any attention. Just a weak excuse to not see the truth and keep living in the lie that you think is beautiful. Actually what's more beautiful is trying to achieve this lie through the truth. And that's the challenge you should really face.


We sometimes settle for what's not so perfect, not so right, just because we get afraid of losing what we have. We forget that we can't lose what we don't have; and what makes you so sure that this what you don't want to lose is already yours?! 
We never get the motive that if we waited or sacrificed for what's almost perfect, what's so right, we'll have the most beautiful replacement. We sometimes lose the belief that Allah will give us what's perfect for us if we just did what's so perfect; it's the same equation I keep looping around.

It's true that Allah puts all the signs in front of us because He wants the best for us. Then please don't ignore the signs. Everything you see, everything you observe, just think if it could add something to you, if it could solve a mystery you was trying to figure out, if it was opening a window to something that you do wrong. And don't ever ignore a sign, just because you don't want to lose the moment you think is beautiful that you're living right now.


I once said: "It's as long as you're living according to your own standards of what's right as long as you'll be satisfied. No one is feeling safe, happy and satisfied knowing that there's something wrong he's doing, or that he's not doing all that he has to be doing. Since, these two feelings get inside one's self, nothing could bring him happiness or self satisfaction." And that's exactly why signs are there to lead you to the right way towards happiness and satisfaction. That's why you shouldn't ignore the signs. So, don't lose the signs and believe that if you followed the signs with a deep and right understanding from you, you'll reach the most beautiful and amazing peak you could ever reach.


Keep following and understanding the signs... :)



Wednesday, November 10

All over again...

I wish I'm 5 years old again just to have the chance once more to play with my mum and feel that bond with her once again. I miss her playing with me. Although I have no memories about us playing together, but I'm in need of this feeling!

I also wish to be through all that I've been through once more. Not because they were so beautiful and right, but to set the last years straight and to postpone the future as much as I can. :)

And I wonder why is it easier to recall the memories of the past than to enjoy the present moment?

I feared...

"You can't underestimate the power of fear." - Patricia Nixon

True??!!

I became my worst fears, just because I feared so much to become them.

How the hell could this happen??!! Shouldn't I when I fear something the most do my best and more than my best to prevent it from happening? Or was I too weak to be taken by my fears?!

And have they really happened or this is too an illusion I made also because I feared?!

Wednesday, November 3

Dignity of Love

--Love without dignity loses all its meanings.--


Dignity... Something that I've been thinking about lately. What it means? What are the ways one can save his dignity? And there came my conclusion: Dignity means showing objection about something that you don't think is right and appropriate for your image. Dignity means keeping your image, whatever your image is.


It's how you do dignity that differs from one person to another. Some people tend to take sever revenge; they show objection by the hardest of ways. And it doesn't matter with them what kind of relation they share with others. All they think about is that their dignity has been badly hurt - although it may hasn't been that badly injured. Others are polite; smart actually. They never argue or make big scenes when they feel their dignity has been insulted. They just do smart acts that prove they are of strong characters and acquire high self confidence. And they do take it into consideration the kind of relation they share with others. They value the relation, and for them it's not easy to let go of a friend or even an acquaintance.


The reason why I thought about this is because of that common belief among people, which is: "If you're in love, you should let go your dignity.It's not true, I say you should let go your ego, but never your dignity. For your dignity is your only self shield you have.


When you're in love, you give your partner everything you have, you give him your life and everything that is valuable to you. Your mate becomes the person who presents your life, your saviour, the only one who you'll first think of when you're in danger, the one you're willing to share your whole life with - it's such a huge responsibility. When such a person does something that you just sensed it's hurting your dignity or even close, then I don't ever think it's right to let go your dignity, and by that I mean letting go the right you have of showing objection. If not for your sake, then it should be for the sake of your partner, or for the sake of the relationship. Don't you think it's not good to keep something inside? Maybe you would say, I keep such things so as not to cause hurts or build any walls. But actually it's a matter of honesty and integrity. Keeping a small fact like that you have been wronged by him one way or another, for me, this is not being honest to your partner. And the fact that you didn't work out this small insignificant matter, as you might see, may end in having it repeated many more times, and in each time you're being wronged again by the only person in the whole world that you should put up with for your whole life. After all you'll find out that you can't stand it anymore and that you're deeply hurt and broken. You would then just explode in frustration and rage that has no point at all, and that could have been prevented by a simple act of dignity that you might have done a long time ago. See, then preserving your dignity actually keeps the love going.


But again it's how you preserve your dignity that changes everything. In case of being in love, you truly have to consider the kind of relationship you're sharing. I think it's one of the most valuable relationships one could ever possess. Then it's just important to be smart while preserving and showing your dignity, taking into consideration that you're dealing with someone you could never live without.You just felt wrong and you're honest about the way you feel all along the way. All is for the sake of keeping the love.


So, I say: If you're in love never let go your dignity, but show it to preserve your love and let it live longer. Dignity is never against love. Dignity is what keeps love going. Dignity is a part of being honest about how you feel. Dignity is valuing yourself too much to be able to value your partner and your relation. Dignity is respecting yourself, and you should know, everyone should know, if you don't respect yourself, you wouldn't respect anyone. So, don't ever let go of your dignity, specially when it comes to save a love.



"I Love you with dignity!" :)


Sunday, October 24

29 Basic Rules!

Rule #0: Trust yourself.
Rule #1: Be honest. Don't fake!
Rule #2: Believe in fairy tales.
Rule #3: Approve that time is your friend, not your enemy.
Rule #4: Think by your heart and feel with your mind.
Rule #5: Abandon the pursuit of happiness. Happiness comes to you, not you go for it!
Rule #6: Watch your language!
Rule #7: Be open hearted, more than open minded.
Rule #8: Show compassion.
Rule #9: Admit it when you're mistaken.
Rule #10: Don't lock yourself inside. Live for others.
Rule #11: Hold on people, not things.
Rule #12: Keep Smiling. You never know how much you affect someone else's life by a simple smile.
Rule #13: Do your thing and keep it up.
Rule #14: Wherever you go, go with all your heart. Or else, Don't go.
Rule #15: Take care of everything that concerns you, because everything starts from You.
Rule #16: Know that this moment will pass. So don't worry about it.
Rule #17: Be true to your word, your act and your friend.
Rule #18: Believe in your dreams.
Rule #19: Have faith.
Rule #20: Value relationships.
Rule #21: Listen before you speak.
Rule #22: Don't keep it inside. Let them know how you feel.
Rule #23: Don't judge people, judge the acts.
Rule #24: Hope for the best, but consider the worst.
Rule #25: Never start an argument.
Rule #26: Be Patient.
Rule #27: Every now and then go where you have never been.
Rule #27: And most importantly, Believe that what happens to you is the best that could ever happen.
...........

Tuesday, October 12

Tears

It's NOT mine. But, I truly wish it was because it's more than beautiful. And I can't but love it. So, at least it has to be posted here. =)

"My Tears …. Some stay back, some roll down

Some I am ashamed of, some are my crown.

Some curse me, some bless me

Some are my protector, some undress me.


Some make me silly, some make me proud.

Some make me realize I am alone in the crowd.

Some wander around b’coz they feel lonely in the eye,

Some free themselves, just to ask me the question WHY


My Tears …. I once tasted them, they were bit salty,

On the way down they said that I am faulty.

Many times they make me realize my mistake,

They are the first to tell me – ‘Give life a second Take’.


My tears are my mirror to this counterfeit world

They reflect the image of the society still unheard.

They show me a true path and work as a Myth- breaker,

They have their own manipulated mind, they work as a story creator.


My Tears …. I take them positively and see them as a weight loss

I cut short their journey and show them Who’s the Boss.

They sarcastically tell me that Life can take a Toss

They simply don’t leave ur eye, they come out for a cause.


Some say that the tear is the best armour of a woman

Some say that the tear is an indication of a bad Omen.

But I feel that the tear is a Blessing in disguise,

They also force you to compromise with Life.


My Tears …. Even they cry … They request me to atleast Try

When I start sobbing, even they run dry.

Sometimes Life take its toll, I cry for no reason at all

I pity my tears as they have to bear the burden of my

Down fall


See … they have started coming out again

They are the first one to realize my Pain.

They console me, they don’t let my sacrifices go in Vain

They die for me without having any personal gain.


Now I have started fearing when I see my tear,

I can’t see myself in pain, I simply can’t bear.

I am proud of my tears, they are my pearl

My mom says I cry like a Little girl.


My tears keep me grounded, it retains my sanity,

I cry for others, it proves my humanity.

My tears are my teachers, they give me a silent explanation

My tears are my friends, they are my own ’soul search engine’. "


~ Unknown Writer !