Saturday, December 25

I was blind one day...

I had my eyes covered, I was blindly driven...

It's true that feelings change and perspectives differ by time. Today I look at my past and I laugh...I laugh at how I used to see things. I laugh at how I was so blind and so driven towards a fake reality. I couldn't believe I have let go my principles for something that truly wasn't right at all. I laugh at how fearless and stubborn I was to walk through this deadly path. I laugh at how I thought it was a challenge doing it the wrong way and waiting for miracles at the same time. Was I this naive to be driven to such a loosing risk?

Strange that right now I can't remember how I was feeling. I remember I was overwhelmed. I remember I was motivated on doing something completely wrong. But honestly I totally can't see why. I can't remember what was making me keep on moving through that dead ended path. I could say at least I was happy and that's one point in favor of my past, but that's not the case. The happiness of lust I had was something that never last for long. It's gone now and I'm left by nothing. So, what was in it for me? Nothing, just a couple of years I've missed living right! And that's the only thing I regret. How much I missed just because I was afraid of missing. I didn't play the game right. I took the wrong risk. I held on to the card I thought was magical, the card I'd  lose everything without it. Although the winning risk was letting it go. The truth is I've lost everything by holding on to it.

Yes, I sometimes do regret how I was for the past couple of years. I sometimes just wish if I have never been through any of what I've been through. Yes I think I've lost myself there. But, now that I'm getting myself back. I think I would have never felt grateful for who I am right now and who I was except by losing myself and finding it again. It's the same like you never know what you have got till you lose it! I lost myself once and now I'm searching for me. I was this close to the biggest loss. I know I've lost a lot. But the loss could have been more. I have been being driven badly to the darkest of places. And no one is to be blamed but me. Now I thank God for giving me the guide to truth, for giving me the chance to observe this different perspective. Maybe this time I would even find a better version of me.

I just wish I learn. I wish I never go back there ever again! I don't need it, I know this very well. I deserve something much better, for there is what's truly perfect. Funny how I let go my perfectionism for something that isn't perfect at all. That's not happening again. Now I see, I'm no longer blind and I trust myself. Thank God for how strong I am right now. And I pray I keep this strength for long.

الحمد لله

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