Friday, December 3

A story that never ends

She says:
"It was perfect. Everything was exactly as I wanted. I was happy and satisfied with it, the way it was. And I think I was doing great. Because I've been busy, too busy lately, and there still was something. At the end of our day, however our day was, when we go to sleep at night, at least for me, I know there's someone somewhere out there who's loving me, missing me and wishes for just an hour to be spend together. I thought that was something. And something enough to be great, even perfect.

But, it wasn't like this a month ago. A month ago, love for me wasn't being free, love was a commitment. I hated it this way that I started to doubt the love I have for him. I didn't wish to commit to this side of love. Specially because now is not the time for love to be a commitment, now is time for love to be inspiring and an energy source. And, because for a whole month, I've been discovering a new side of the love I have, the side I think is perfect, I've become afraid of how it would turn out? How much will it last? 

Unfortunately, it didn't last, just as I expected! Though he was loving unconditionally, he was always in doubt that I love him back. I kept doing my best to prove him wrong and still preserve the side I love about love. But, it all was in vain, when I did that one thing, just one thing to prove his doubts. One thing I wasn't completely aware of. One thing, because I was a little biased to preserving my loved side of love, being somewhat not committed, being trustful of each other's feelings, however was the case. And that was it, the end of my perfect phase."

He says:
"My passion was high. I loved her like I never did before. I gave her everything. I appreciated, I waited, I showed every compassion I could ever show. She kept my heart and mind haunted by her, everything about her. Missing her was my habit. Loving her was the only thing I'm living for. I never let a chance to pass without telling her how much I love her, how much I miss her, how much I wish to see her, and that just talking to her wasn't enough for me. I would have done anything just to be with her in every minute of her life. I needed her to start living my life. And I kept being beside her. I kept on proving to her all of my true sincere feelings.

But lately, she has been strange. Like she loves me less now. She used to fight for me more. She did more for me before than she does now. I know she has been busy with her own life. I know that for now, each one of us has his own life, we're not sharing our lives yet. And I know we both love each other so much. But I don't know, I keep doubting her feelings for me. Even though every time that I ask her, she proves me wrong, by words! And I believed her. I kept on believing her. But I believe more in acts than in words. And she knows this! I've been trusting her love to the max. I've been believing the words although her acts were proving otherwise. I kept on appreciating. I kept on loving unconditionally. She has always been asking for a total belief in her words. She needed me to trust her. And I did as much as I could. 

I only needed one act to prove the words right. One act of her showing love more than I do. I needed to be felt and loved deeply. I needed to know her love is there and let it recharge my passion. I kept waiting for this act for so long that I couldn't keep on any more. My motive to love unconditionally began to grow less. I didn't appreciate this time.

On that day, I couldn't handle the feeling of being ignored by her. I couldn't handle the feeling of being the only one who appreciates. I wanted her to care enough. And she didn't. And that was it. That was when It was proved that her words she kept deceiving me with, the words she kept me blindly believing, are totally wrong. I faced her with this fact. That she doesn't love me as I do truly love her. And, as expected, she didn't act. She never acts! Just words I have to believe and that's it. 

Enough is enough. Let her learn the responsibility of the feelings she says she has for me!"

She, again, says:
"Maybe, he's right. Maybe I don't love him this much. Maybe not as I used to. But hell no. If I don't love him, then why do I still badly need him in my life. Yes, I needed him less lately. But I never needed his love less. His love to me is like the air I breathe. How can I not need air? Doesn't he know this? I believe he knows. I trust him when he tells me that he'll never leave me ever again. I trust his love to surround me wherever I go. That's why it hurts so much when he doubts my love. And he leaves me with thinking, is he right? He makes me go over and assess my acts. I find myself guilty, yes I know. But when questioning my deep emotions, my heart, I find it overwhelmed by love of him! No, he is not right.

Yes, maybe I didn't value that perfect relation I had. Maybe I took it for granted. Maybe I took his love for granted. But not every being taken for granted is bad, sometimes it means that you have become a comfortable, trusted element in someone else's life. I trusted his love too much that I thought he trusted mine as much. I forgot that he's someone who doesn't believe in believing. He's someone who needs acts to support words. And my acts recently have been not that expressing. And it's all because I wanted to preserve a something for me, something to satisfy me, not him, in this relation.

Now, does he has the right not to trust me?"

And he says:
"But I deeply love her. I don't want her to start worrying. She has her life to live, and I want her to live it normally, live it as she likes. I don't want to control her. I'm there to love her. I only needed her to love me back. Although I'm in a deep need to set rules, rules that will keep my dignity.

Now nothing I can do, except giving her a chance to prove me wrong. I'll keep my distance, till she acts. I'll stay acting as I act. I'll only keep my love to myself. I'm done with showing unconditioned love. Not that I can control it but I'm really honest with my feelings and I can't give any now.

Let her act!"

She says:
"He's acting normal, like nothing is there. But I know I can't breathe. It's his love not around me. Does he think I wouldn't recognize? Does he think I would survive?

I'm waiting him to give my life back to me. I'm waiting for his love to come back. Only then I can tell him again and again that I love him so much. He has to know that I'm not breathing. 

Am I selfish?

I think I've got to call him. I've got to act to breathe again, to get my air back."

They never stop telling, nor will they ever...

1 comment:

Salma said...

Salma !! You amazed me ! YEs ! I can't believe you !!
How toching this is ?! OMG! u reached me deeply indeed :(
Great words...crying mood :(