Monday, December 13

The game of life

No one will ever know what he has been through...

  No one will know how the pain was or how had he struggled to keep that smile, the smile that everyone wished to have, for he didn't tell anyone about all that has been going on back in his own lonely life. He never let anyone recognize that there was something wrong, something hidden. And although he always needed a support, he never asked for help. He knew that this would only add to their pains and never cure his. For him, that was wasting energy and hurting others, that wasn't what he wanted.

 So, he made it short. He kept that smile on. He preserved that shine in the way he looks and smiles to everyone. He kept loving and giving like a river that never dries. He was the kindest. His heart was open to everyone. He was the most forgiving person anyone could have known. He knew that nothing else mattered than people's love. Everyone loved him, everyone needed him and everyone used his support. And the strangest is that his heart was never tight to bear anyone's sadness, like anything could fit in. What was stranger is that whenever he felt weak, nothing gets him stronger except a call of help from a friend, like he takes his energy only because others needed him badly. He was the candle that lights better when it gets darker. He was everyone's candle.

 It was like he was the happiest person on earth, to them. They saw him the most optimistic, hopeful and strongest person they have ever seen. They never thought of him as a man with a deep sadness within. But no one was ever courageous enough to get deep inside of him and know what it that he's keeping and bearing in his heart is. No one tried to know what does his life misses. They thought there was nothing. Nor that he opened the door for anyone to get in and discover. He never showed a weakness. He didn't know how to be weak.

 At his hardest times, he used to run away from everyone, before anyone could notice that the candle's light he was holding was fading away. And he had times when he wondered why there isn't anyone beside him to support him. He wondered why life has put him in this situation alone. Times when he wished someone would light for him the way to his own candle that was at that moment a little far away. But he believed in not taking from anyone's light, he didn't want to share the light of others, he didn't want to seem selfish or hopeless. That's how he healed himself, healing others was his way. That was what motivates him to find his candle, or even go and buy a new one, a new larger and more living candle that could give a brighter light to all who are around him, and even to him.

 But definitely, that wasn't easy. His feelings were always confusing. At times he felt lost. He missed living a normal life. His life was either at its happiest peaks where he's around people having fun and spreading the hope or at its most painful peaks alone struggling and couldn't move a finger. He had times where he thought he was all fake, times when he thought he doesn't have the hopes he gives others. And others when he felt he was a disappointment only because he was a little late searching for the candle that lights the world.

But he really wasn't faking any of that happiness and strength. He was fighting really strong. He was fighting alone in a battle where there's no one by his side and his enemies were all different, strong and fighting against him. Even his own self was an enemy. It was a battle that no one would ever dare to get in. But he won! The battle was his to win worthily, for he planned to win from the start. He recognized that if he had failed this battle, then it could have been the worst failure anyone could ever fail. And if he won, then that would be a victory everyone dreams to have. So, he valued the opportunity he was given. He thanked God for it, and promised not to lose it. Yes, he didn't win against his illness, he didn't win against death. But he won living the life everyone was wishing for. He won being the smile in everyone's life. He didn't win anything for his own, but he won everything for his existing.

He believed he was dying already, so he lived each day as his last. And only by that did he manage to actually live forever. He lived in everyone else's life, stories and memories, the things that never die or fade away. For everyone, he never really died, in their hearts he remained, in their stories he lived forever. And no one will ever know or tell the struggling part of his life, the part that truly has no reason to live any longer.

Yes he lost life. But he won the game of life!

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