Saturday, January 22

A heavy heart

I don't know how to start or what to say, but there's something heavy chained to my heart and pulling me downwards. I'm trying to reach in to know what is it that causing me all this burden, but as much as I try to reach I find nothing to put my hands on and remove away. Maybe my hands can't reach enough, maybe I'm searching in the wrong place. But this thing I'm holding is somehow taking over me, it's making me unrecognized by myself. I'm drifting away, taken by this thing I can't define. It's changing me. Let me share with you some of the symptoms I'm having. Maybe you could have an explanation for that thing causing me the pain. This has only been recently, and I need to understand what has infected me.

- I don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore. To be fair, they are so few who I trust, maybe just one, maybe just me. And this one person I'm trusting, I'm only trusting because this one is the closest to me nowadays, if that link between us is cut, I don't think I would link again. There are others who wish to link. But I refuse. I don't want to. Like I really need to be alone. Being alone, solitude actually is the word, is just  what will make me feel safe. I don't hate them, but I don't want to be obligated by their contact. I don't want to contact, simple it is...

- I feel lost inside myself. Even though I'm only living in my head, but I'm lost there. I, sometimes, stand there at the middle of the room for minutes, just trying to figure out what is it that I want to do right now. Like I black out for moments. My thoughts are dispersed. At one moment I'm laughing out loud, the next I'm having tears in my eyes. One minute I'm excited and fully charged, the next I just wish to sleep for years. I'm losing the sense of time. Days pass by me hitting my shoulder, they neither say hi nor sorry!

I thought it's the exams that are making my days run in this haze. But if that was the case and it's working, then I would be happy, not mad, like I am now!

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