Saturday, January 8

Who's to blame?

Today I raised my voice over yours. 
Today I didn't keep the silence, the silence that has always been my shield. 

Someone told me once that I have to speak up, I have to ask for my rights. And I listened, so I raised my voice. Now I regret it, for it's not my way. Now, I don't know what to do, because this isn't how I always deal with it. And I don't know who to blame. Should I blame the one who told me to stand for my rights. Or should I blame myself for listening foolishly. Maybe I should blame the spoiled me, the one inside who never sees how wrong is she. I keep repeating, no one is to be blamed but me! And I still keep the spoiled one inside me take the lead. But I'm stuck between unsolved issues. Things that are major and life damaging, yet they have to be left unsolved. And I never think of any solutions, I just don't know how! I'm totally helpless, I've got no clue to this...All I know is that I'm the one to blame, and nothing more.

And I hate to let you feel the way you do right now. I hate that you're not proud of who I am. I hate that you see me irresponsible and that you're fed up with me. I really hate that I'm letting you down. I hate to know that I'm the one who's making your life a living hell. I hate to give you the feeling that I don't need you, and that I'm better without you. I hate that all is really true. But even though, you'll always be mine, I can't replace you, not even if I wanted and I really don't want to. I have always accepted you the way you are. I have always been given the award that I'm the one who deals with you the best. And beleive it or not I truly do love you so much.

But, today! I made you loose your temper and cross the limits, and I foolishly spoke up and thought I should react differently this time. Here I did, and it's left undone. I have no idea how to get things back. Nor that I know how to deal anymore. I don't want to stay and do things over my will, and at the same time I don't want the spoiled me take over. I'm helpless once again. And I'm in a desprate need to that you forgive me and be proud of me. But even that I can't do, something is preventing me, and that's the only thing I blame you for it not me.

I wonder if you're thinking the same. I wonder if you're worried if I think you don't love me. Because I am worried that you think I don't love you. I'm sure you love me, and I love you too so much. But showing it was never what I got used to. As much as I sometimes wish to give you a big hug and thank you for every thing you have given me is as much as I never did so. You have never showed your love to me, although I know from my deep that it's there. So, no one has the right to ask me to show love to you. I simply don't know how to. And you even never taught me.

You're my only special case. I deal with you differently than anyone else. And because you are you, then this proves to me that I fake all others. Because it's only with you who I should be myself. And comparing myself with you and myself with others, they are totally different, then one of them is sure a fake. Should I blame you for my lack of integrity and schizophrenia? Or do I still have to blame myself all the time?

Now, this thing too will pass, just like evey other thing. And time will come to hide the scars. But deep inside the wounds never really heal and the cut gets wider. And I'll be left once agian with all the unsolved. And one question I'll keep on asking, who's to blame?

No comments: