Tuesday, January 18
A Hard moment......faced with EGO!
When you wish to quit what you are doing at the most time everyone else is working hard to get there.
When you decide that there's nothing you can do but to quit because you haven't done all that makes you continue. When there's no option but to quit.
This is not the hard moment I'm talking about. Because you are aware of that decision, you're taking it fully aware of its consequences and you're ready for it. It's too late now to save yourself and find other alternatives, because you lost all your options. And it's you who made yourself lose your options. So, this is not the moment you are afraid to face.
The moment is that when you walk out of that hall in front of everyone else, who are working very hard and so busy to care to notice you quitting. But, still your quit would let them down. Your quit would be questioned. And only at this moment you wish you disappear in silence. You don't want to talk about why you had made such a decision or what made you lose all your options. You don't want to feel the pity in others' eyes, or the request to try harder and keep on moving. Because you already did your best, as you think, and there's nothing left for you to take. And all you really want to do is to QUIT.
You decide to wait for a while, maybe something happens that makes your quitting a little easier. But nothing happens and you keep waiting and feeling the pain much painful. So, that's it. You decide to leave and quit in silence as much as you can. What a corageous step to take!
But after you leave. You have nowhere to go to. No one to talk to. You feel alone and homeless. Even your closest people, you don't want to see them. You don't want anyone to talk with you neither in a bad way or in a good way. All you want is to be left alone. And you are already alone. With no one but yourself to listen to you, scream at you, cheer you up or just stay silent. And you even refuse to go to the only one who you know for sure that He can help you in the perfect way you wish to be helped. Just because you feel like you don't even deserve His help. What a hard heart you have! What a losing weak ego that you hold!
But you need a place to stay in. So you decide to go to where you'll eventually go. That's another courageous step you're taking. And you start facing all the questions, which are just to make sure that you're okay and nothing is wrong with you. But you still refuse to listen to these questions, not to mention that you refuse answering them at the first place. So, you blame yourself for going there. You say to yourself: "Why did the hell I came here? Shouldn't I have just stayed outside alone in the crowd where no one cares?"
And to make something clear, deep inside you're longing for them to care and ask you all kind of questions. Deep inside you'll get even more mad if no one asked you what went wrong and made you quit this way.
As they keep on asking as your frustration evolves to a limit that makes you wish to die and makes them lose hope in you and hate you more. Now, you forget everything else and just put a big fake spot on the 'Why don't I get what I need, to do what I have to do? And what is it that I need? And what is it that I have to do?' region.
You think you have to do something. Go away, start a revolution, raise your voice. But nothing you can do. Not because you can't, but because you deep inside know that you don't deserve to act this way, it's not your right. Actually, at this moment you know you don't deserve any of that you already have. So, you stay silent. Everyone now is fed up with you. You don't want help, you don't want to help yourself either. And you arrogantly refuse the care others try to give you. So, just stay where you are. Hope your ego helps you with what you're going through.
And even though you really don't deserve at all...May God guide you to the light and help you pass through every hard.