Monday, April 11


When the time comes to walk away you find yourself attached with every way there is and you can't move no matter how hard you tried. And other times when you feel like you really want to stay and you miss the place you find yourself pushed away with every mean, nothing moves you to stay and everything else just grabs you away.

There are things that you can never trust anyone to share them with. Things that are very special and mean the world to you. And how much you sometimes think there's someone out there who you'd like to share this with, you just then doubt if they truly deserve to know those very special private things about you. And this makes you feel like you're holding on a secret only to yourself but then you think again, is it right to hold a secret just to myself? Or should I have someone who always knows everything about me?

You're hurt when you lose something you had. And when you're hurt you need to show it, and to show it you must tell what was it that you had lost and made you hurt. But what if that thing you've lost you have been keeping it a secret? What if you never said that you posses such a thing? So, when it gets lost you can't tell that you've lost it, for you actually never had it, and so you're not allowed by any means to get hurt. And that's the consequences of keeping things as secrets!

Memories please stay away, and mind please don't think too much! I promised myself not to think for the current months. Because I know, when I think I mess up and I don't focus. But I can't hold on to that promise and when people ask me to talk or say anything, I directly think and that hurts me so I keep the silence.

Oh, about silence! Have I told you that silence is my best self-shield? It is! And I really don't get it how others manage to speak. People always ask me to talk and speak, they actually push me to talk, but I sincerely can't, I don't know how to, I just don't! And until I find the one who understands my silence the best, respects it and knows how to respond to it, I'm not talking!

Sometimes I feel it was a very wrong decision to take, but I took it and I really don't want to take my word back. But every time I get stuck with the fact that I've made such a commitment I feel like an untruthful deceitful person. And when it goes wrong I feel like I'm the one who's to carry all the burden alone. You got to be responsible for your own decisions, and that's what I always do! So please don't make me feel like I've taken a wrong decision, or else help me set it right!

I really just need to understand what it truly is? I need to know the truth! I need to find out how and what do I actually feel and what do I actually want. I need no more dreams, no more fancies, no more pushing, no more lies, no more deceits! I need to understand it all, figure it out, be sure of it and never have any doubts.
Because the things I do are always the opposite of the things I think I should do! And when I do the things I do I really amaze myself, surprise it and sometimes disappoint it. It's I who I don't understand, and no one can explain me but I.

Thinking I shouldn't be posting this, but I will. Because it's something that been bothering my head lately!

1 comment:

Yasmina said...

I understand this to some extent,that's one more thing we might be sharing and btw,you do have the right to get hurt for losing something you never had because it hurts more when you realize the "never had it" part.
Any way,shut the memories up and stay happy,definitely there is someone in love with your smile =))