Wednesday, September 14

Confessions of a protected heart

Unlike all girls I know, and even those who I don't, I have this dream of marrying a man who I never knew before. And if I would know him, then I would only know him because he asked to marry me. Yes this is my dream, since I was a little girl; and my opinion whenever anyone asks for it. It has always made me feel strong; it made me feel good and wise. And as I got older my dream got even stronger, it became like a principle or a promise that I work hard not to break. And this has caused me a lot of pain and confusion. It prevented me from recognizing the opportunity of meeting a possible future husband. It sealed my heart away from falling for any man. I always thought that was my own self protection for my pure and innocent heart. And I still think so. Yet though all these thoughts and dreams, though all the pain and confusion, I've fallen many times and I have hurt my heart badly many times . 
And lately I'm still confused as I wonder, should I hold on to my principle, my dream? Or Should I let it pass and break it? I'm starting to doubt my principle, and the fact that I've already broken it many times before makes it a weak principle to my mind, but to my heart it's still the strongest principle I've ever had. Thinking of it still makes my heart feel strong, protected maybe. And here's the thing, what guarantees my heart's safety and innocence? Marrying a man who I used to love before marriage? Or taking the risk of loving the man I'll be marrying? Or is that taking the safe side actually?
I know all of that talk about love, that it isn't the most important factor for happiness, but why wouldn't it exist? I know the answer which says that love is a feeling that can come easily if everything else that really matters is already there in the first place. I know that the love that leads to happiness is the love that has a good base to settle on. I know that love is so pure and innocent that it can't lead itself, and thus the emotions surrounding love are those who lead it, whether they lead it to heaven or to hell. I know. I still get confused. Maybe I get confused because I simply couldn't hold onto my childhood dream, the dream that made me feel strong. I get confused because as I think of loosing that dream I understand that this makes me weak and unwise.
And it suddenly hits me, I'm just like any other girl I know, and even those who I don't, I get confused between my principles and my fantasies of a happy life full of love. It is okay to wonder and get lost and drifted away by the truth, the truth that no matter your feelings are and how much you tried to express them in words, it remains the same. The truth is that I can have them both if I only choose the right choice; I can hold onto that dream of having a strong heart and at the same time I can have the love I fantasize.
 My heart knows it all well; all I've to do is just follow it.

September, 2

1 comment:

Nariman said...

Amazing post, beautifully written as well. We've all been there once, between our judgmental and cruel society and the criticism of others, you're stuck. Trust someone who once believed in keeping the innocence of your heart to the one you'll be married to, it doesn't always end with a happy ending like fairytale. Yet there's hope that you'll me rewarded for it, cause it'll suck if otherwise. I just know this -allow me to share my insight- that you get married to a man, not to feelings, and it's very different than the romantic novels we love so much.