Sunday, October 10

The tears of my heart

They are not tears of sadness...They come deep from the heart. My heart is bearing more than it can hold, and it can bear no more. So, it's letting my eyes share the feelings, and the eyes can't speak except through tears.

They are because I love so much; my life is so amazingly filled with love. I truly mean it when I tell someone 'I Love You'. And a lot of true deep love, the kind of love that is towards Allah, sob7anoh w ta3alla, the love that is for Allah, is so worth the tears. Loving things and people 'f Allah'!! That's truly something I couldn't explain, nor I can now. But, I never felt it before like I'm feeling it now.

They are because I'm so much blessed, blessed by amazing people around me, blessed by discovering a whole new world, blessed by knowing things I never knew before, blessed by viewing the world from a whole different perspective. I'm blessed with life, and specifically the kind of life I'm living. And this just makes me wonder, now what is it that is asked from me in return to all these blessings. How can I pay for these blessings that I can't afford, nor can I reject. But I know that Allah won't leave me till I find my Why and How.
It's like I'm on the first step starting my life, starting to know where am I heading to, or at least where I want to head to. I just wish I never get lost. I wish I could tape every second of my life now, just to watch this tape every time I get lost again and remember what I'm for. And sometimes I just wish to take a very long pause!
At the same time, even though I'm not done yet, I still fear what's coming and I wish my life could end now before I make more mistakes.

They are because I can't stand being something that is less than the perfect I see in my head, and I know I'm way too far away from such a place. I truly do wish everything around me was just perfect.....No, I wish I'm and my life are perfect. It's not because I'm selfish, it's only because I know I can only change me and everything that is about me. And if I'm perfect, just everything else will fit into place and be perfect too. There are just too many parameters in my perfection equation, and whenever I solve a side, the other side falls down. It's an equation that is never meant to be solved, I know...But I think I'll just live my whole life trying to solve this equation, and I'm not giving up! I know I can get there, very easily actually. All it needs is a little persistence and the spirit of challenge!

They are also because I'm so happy for being who I am. Actually as I get to know me, I like me more. It's good to like yourself, it's the first step of Inner Peace and self satisfaction. I think they are because I'm amazed to know that myself is actually worth liking and loving at least by me. I'm someone who's truly good, and truly amazing! I like who I am, and I am who I am, I wish not to change, I only wish to be better.
I just still couldn't believe that is true about me. Hell NO, I'm not amazing nor that I rock. I'm just normal! It's because everyone is just like me, and actually there are people who are way better than I am. But, I don't seek being better than anyone, I only want to be better than my self! I think I'll never get satisfied, because I'll always be looking for the perfect version of me.

They are the tears of learning, experiencing, living the way it should be lived. They are healthy tears. They are tears of an awake. And, I'm not sleeping again. Inshaa'Allah ta3alla =)

Sorry, for letting the thought take more than its time...but it was a speechless thought that found its way through the words. =))

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