Monday, May 2

Restless heart

When there's this urge to write but words are not found.
It's like the words refuse to be let out.
Or is it my heart that has captivated my tongue and mind.
Maybe because it's confused with those too many emotions around.
And maybe it's my mind that has taken all the words left out.
To try to understand the barrier that has been built inside.

But I try as I might.
And I find some guide.
To what's behind my heart and mind.
And here I'll start.
You said you'll shine like you always do. And you did shine my life too. You gave me the light I love to live in. The shine was so strong that my eyes blinked at first, but then came the smile that never left. Suddenly you shined away. You didn't stay for long, you shined out taking the lights away from me. This time it hurt because you gave me the happiness that I couldn't enjoy for long. But then comes... 
Are you back there? There to where I can't find you. And I think I should get you back here. But I have to find you first. It's like you run away! And I think, is it something I did? Or did I have already used up my turns? Thinking like that hurts, both you and I. It's a fact you're there, and it feels like my duty to get you here. But it's also a fact that you don't let me in and I can't find you if you kept running. I blame myself for how weak I try, but actually I'm killing myself just by thinking of how much I should try. And then a step like saying 'Hi' seems like the gun that aims up high, at me! 
The lie I'm living! I admit that I don't! I just do because I promised I would! Then you come and tell me how much you did and how much you'll do. You're too sweet I couldn't repel. And only then I figure that I missed. But you weren't what was worrying me, or what was confusing me. You weren't in me!
Is it because we're not connected? Is it because of the uneasiness I feel when I get to talk? But you're too sweet to be true. I can't believe you're already there. It's your sweetness that keeps me attached. If ever you got sour you should be aware that I'll never try to re-attach. That's why it's a lie.
You're supposed to be my best friend. We have this unique kind of blend. But recently I don't feel the harmony of our minds. I'm finding you acting like you don't know me at all. Or you do, but you just don't do it right. Maybe because I know that you know me the best then I expect you do what I expect you to do, but you don't. And I feel like we're detaching in every way. It isn't like any of that I used to say.
And it hurts as much as it does to think you're not trying enough, or that you can't feel the detachment that I feel. I don't believe you're not thinking that something is wrong, and that's why I'm waiting you come back strong. Strange as it may be, but I miss you my best self! :) Yes, that's how I describe you, please be back to this same description, I can't nor that I want to find a replacement!
Me. I disappoint me! But then comes hope that tells me: be patient and wait, for I promise I'll keep my faith. My faith in me that I can be who I want to be. My faith in my heart for how strong it stands against all that breaks me. And my faith in my mind that it will work right when the moment is tight. But I still can't trust me on the promise I made to myself! And I simply don't trust me for the many times that I disappointed me. It's a kind of a loop that has to be broken with a decision of trust that I should make to myself! So I'll decide to give myself one last chance to prove me wrong. Or I won't be able to forgive myself any next.
Isn't it enough? Or is there more.

Because this moment shall pass in a blink of an eye like any other moment.
And my heart's state will turn as the clock ticks.
Then will come other emotions to confuse my heart,
or another block to complete the barrier.
Maybe someone will come to break the walls and fix the links inside,
or maybe my heart and mind will cooperate to defeat all enemies.

And it will all go well and perfectly fine.
The light will shine back to let me breathe,
or maybe I'll understand that the light is not necessary for me to breathe.
I'll manage to get you back here, or maybe you'll come all by yourself.
And the sweetness might turn even sweeter and fill my life with all the happiness I wish for,
or maybe it would suddenly turn sour and I give up.
And finally I think the harmony will soon be back too quickly, for the beats won't sound right if they beat differently.

That's life and that's how it keeps my heart restless. Thank God it is, for if it hasn't, that would have meant that I died. And I'm still alive! =)

1 comment:

Yasmina said...

That's too noble :) I love the way u express ur feelings