Something is wrong. Something isn't in its right place. Something is lost. Something is forgotten. Something is definition-less. It's like it has been a phase in life that has ended suddenly and another total different phase has started at once. It's like I badly want to go back to that phase that has ended although I'm now back to an older phase that I had thought I had quitted long ago. Shifting between two phases is the case; I really wonder why can't I maintain both phases at a time? Because missing my life a couple of months earlier doesn't mean that I hate how things are going right now, but it's because both are good to have and great to live simultaneously.
I can no longer remember what I used to do and how I do it. I wish I could remember easily so that I could define that thing that has been lost through the days and maybe I could retrieve it and put it in its right place once again. I just can't remember nor have that will again, besides I don't want to skip the life I'm living right now. Can't I just have both lives, both phases?
And the reason why I can't remember is because I'm so distracted by a lot of things. There's so much going on in life, too much to do and I don't get but to miss on some things. I'm feeling the state of mess, an indescribable state that comes to stress and worry me. I'm too tired and I don't have the time to think, feel and act, to actually do these three together. But I shouldn't let it win, I should challenge it instead. I should know how to organize the mess and find my way out of this state. It's a state that I have been living for a while now, let's say a week. And that week has just passed so quickly, same as I expect for my next weeks.
I'll be living for the sake of now on the coming next weeks. I sincerely can't imagine how they will pass, thinking they would be the hardest days ever to live. It's just that everything is going to happen on the coming months, everything that I care about, everything that I have to do and work hard for, everything that just has to happen. And so I just don't think I'm going to have time to think or consider what is going to happen next in my life, like my life is going to end after these coming couple of months.
A scene from the future
So maybe now that I'm thinking about it, then I should stop and look for the big picture, imagine it and draw it. But here's what I get when I think of my dream, the how-I-see-myself-in-10-years vision, I get nothing but an outline, maybe just a scene where I'm happy and satisfied with how my life goes, a scene where I do the things my heart has always dreamed of doing. I know who I want to be, but it's just a figure with no details; I haven't got the map to where I want to go, but I can see how the place looks like. That reminds me of something, 10 years ago I used to have these same fickle visions and scenes about the person I should be today and fortunately I became the same person I used to see and think of, off course some things are not exactly the same, but it's the same figure. You might now think that I have succeeded, but hell no I haven't. I'm thinking that maybe if I had a more clear vision about how I would be today I would have known exactly how to tell the difference. But never mind now, this is not what I came to say. I need to have a dream and stick to it, never let it go or let it down and do whatever I need to see it fulfilled. The easy part of this is that I know exactly what my dream is, at least its title, but that's all that I know. And the annoying part is that what I'll be doing on the coming weeks has nothing to do with what my dream has to offer. And that's why on the coming weeks I'll only have the ability to focus on the time being, on the what-I-should-be-doing-now and that's it. Now that will always make me feel worried about something or that I'm living with no aim at all. That's why I'm just going to pass the time that I'll be living the coming days till it's over, till I feel that I'm free of everything except thinking and considering what should I do next.
Dance in the rain
The past statement is a completely wrong motto to live with. Yes I'm aware of this. One should use every minute he lives for the sake of his dream, his bigger picture. There's no moment that's to pass with no aim or no effect at all. Every minute of life, every act you do counts to you, to your future and to the people around you. So you can't just be living with the state of mind that you're just passing the time, pausing life, as you're waiting for something to happen when only then you think your life will begin. This isn't the way life works. It's as this quote says "Life's not about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." You can't just wait for the storm to pass, what if it never had, what if you died before it does? It's unreasonable to waste the time waiting until the storm passes; this is inefficient and useless too. So you've got to do it even if it's raining, and to do it right while it's actually raining then you have to be dancing, don't you? And I think it's actually pretty easy, it's just switching your mind state from waiting the storm to pass to step outside and dance in the rain. It's a one step move that could change your whole life, at least how you perceive your life.
There's something else that I have been opened to by the same way I've been opened to the previous quote mentioned. It is "Winning in here means winning out there." If I could do it now, then I absolutely will know how to do it later. If I tried now then I'll sure know how to succeed later. Maybe this should be my motto, my reason of how I'm going to pass the coming days; I'll test myself, challenge it and let it amaze me. I'm setting my mind's state to be open to the coming experience; I'll do all that I could do just to see how much I could actually do. I'm setting myself to a test and I'm training myself on the dance in the rain. It's going to be hard, one of the hardest times to live, that's the same as I was thinking up there in the beginning of this post, but now it's with a different attitude, now it's worth it, now I have a hidden reason for myself for why I do what I do. And I'm going to have many down moments, but at every down moment I'll just remember the words, maybe read this post, and I'll know how to keep my self running. Never had I thought of how much important is the why-I-do-this as I do it, but it truly changes everything.
I will start something and let it last for long, make a promise and keep it till the end, take a challenge and beat it up. Challenges, I dare you!