Tuesday, March 15

Scars. Or let's say a wrong condition.

I had many, so many thoughts to speak about. Then something happened blocked every thought I was having. Things like these always happen to blow my mood off, then things get back to normal again waiting me to go normal back too. But I never do; it's never this easy!

I wonder how they manage it. How they manage to scream at one another this loud and carry this much hatred and frustration from one another and then, just after few minutes, they talk again normally like they never said anything that hurt any of them! Maybe it's their way to apologize. But I don't truly feel that they forgive each other this way, or even do they forget! Maybe it's just because life has to go on whether they, or anyone else, liked it or not. Maybe it's because they have to communicate eventually. But still there are so many deep, huge and dreadful scars that resulted due to all these unsolved issues. And these scars don't only hurt those who are cut, they hurt everyone who was there watching the cut too. And those who are hurt always tend to hurt and cut others, usually those who watched them getting hurt. It's a kind of putting the blame on others. It's a kind of trying to look strong enough hiding all the scars deep down.

And I wonder too how do they ever manage to move on and ignore all these scars. How could they easily switch back to being normal in such a very small time? Thinking about it right now makes me feel how strong they truly are. You might say they are unwise because they don't resolve the problems they face. But it's how they have been holding on for so long and how they are still willing to hold on for more. Specially her, she's always the one who starts to lighten up the air, she's one who masters the act of hiding her scars perfectly and she's the one who holds the most scars ever. Even though sometimes I disagree with her, I treat her badly, not the way she deserves to, and think that she's the one who has put herself in that place in the first place, but I always, specially now, regret all this and feel like I truly have hurt her too by the way I thought of her and treated her accordingly. You know what I feel right now? I feel like I miss her so much and that it's been too long since I last felt her, talked with her and actually understood her feelings and appreciated her thoughts. She truly does deserve an award of greatness. But I can never say sorry or set it right again, I'm not used to do so. My stupid ego once again.

Then despite all of these thoughts in my head right now. They never leave my head. Like these are the most sacred thoughts that my mind hold in a vault and never reveal them. And then too these thoughts never pass the phase of just being thoughts, they never enter that phase where thoughts are processed and translated into actions, actions that set things straight. Though I learn to become a woman of act, I learn how to set things perfectly right, but not this act, not these thoughts, not these things. I hate it when I feel so helpless, or that I can't do anything especially after that they did all by coming back to normal. It's like it's not a wrong condition, like it's something so normal, like it isn't a problem at all. And how could I consider it so, when they themselves never admit that it's a problem and a wrong condition that should be set right. Maybe they have their reasons, maybe this's the way they agreed on resolving, maybe because when they thought about it they found it better be a leftover. And I trust them, or maybe I just have nothing to do to resolve.

But I wish one day God gives me the chance and the way to do things that please them, things that could somehow heal the wounds, the scars, or set what's wrong right. And only then I could say I knew how to let go my stupid ego.

1 comment:

Menna said...

Take the action ya salmaaaaaaaa .. take a deep breath and do it .. and remember how relieving it will be for you and them .. and if you needed a push ana mawgoodaaaa <3