Tuesday, March 1

A shift and a change

Sometimes you don't understand, is it the sky you're flying through? Or, is it the sea you're drowning in?!

I've been through the most strange and weird thing I've ever seen till now in personal relationships. Over a night, my feelings changed 180 degrees, a total shift. It was like I woke up one day hating instead of loving as I used to.

Feeling strange and wondering how could feelings change tremendously like this over a night, I kept asking myself and searching in my memory for one reason, a reason that I could say  yes that's why I've changed, but I found nothing. Like as much as I try to search and go back by my memory as much as I find it blank and erased. Trying to figure out is it possible or hasn't it been over a night? But nothing I could find. I tried even to re-feel the feelings I used to feel, still nothing stimulates my feelings to change back. I started to feel like a reckless young girl who goes by as she feels and has no responsibility over any of that she feels.

Then I thought maybe that's it, that's how it's meant to be and I have to respond and accept. I felt happy for being strong and knowing what I want strongly this way. I asked God to keep me strong. And I did I was so strong that I was truly amazed, astonished actually, by how strong I was. Though all the attempts to change my feelings back to fall again, I didn't and I stayed as I am, forgetting. I was asked to forgive and give second chances, but it really was beyond forgiving. Forgiving is something that I usually do. I'm not the kind of persons to be asked to forgive because I forgive without asking. It was like there's nothing wrong that happened that I should forgive and let go. It was simply how I felt, rejection, never understanding why.

Trying to put a reason for how I've changed, I thought I have lost trust. And trying to put a reason for losing trust, I said it was because of all the hurt in my heart, scars in my heart that have been reopened and deepened many times before. And as my heart gets cut as I forgive and ignore. And I kept ignoring my hurts and I kept being strong and holding on. But my heart kept taking more than it could hold. And I still kept ignoring and holding onto the knife. Till my heart couldn't take it anymore that it decided to take the lead. My heart needed to heal itself up. And as much as it waited for me to heal my heart as much as it never found me taking an action. So, it simply took over me and over my feelings and it overwhelmed me by these feelings of repletion, denial and hatred. It made me reject and throw away the knife. And I did, never understanding why I did. Never thinking I was hurting myself.

And my heart felt strong and right once again. My heart became happy and healing. But my mind was very confused. Things weren't going as my mind was programmed. Things were trying to get in and confuse my mind more and more. But my heart was strong trying to heal itself and take it's time. And as my heart began to heal as my mind began to think much better. And I started to figure out all that was going on. I started to understand where I'm and where I want to be. I started to understand my heart better and better.

And now that my heart is healed, not totally maybe but at least it could love again now, and that my mind learned to listen carefully to my heart and give it the lead sometimes, I can say that I'm back. My feelings are re-changed, they are not the same as they were before, nothing comes back exactly how it was, but they have re-changed to be more mature, clear and strong. And I just love how they have re-changed.

By the way, the re-change in feelings has also come over a night! But maybe because this time I understand more why I have changed and then re-changed again, maybe because I now believe in my heart and mind to work well together, I don't feel it a strange shift in feelings, I see it as a natural beautiful change. Yes, I'm afraid; I'm taking a risk as I always did before. But there's one rule that I will always seek to retain: To be right and honest with yourself, your heart, first then with others.

I don't regret a feeling I felt. I'm actually grateful for what has this weird and un-understandable experience gave me. Thanks heart. I believe in you now more than ever. 

"The heart has reasons that reason cannot reason."

No comments: